In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

In process of divorcing. STBXH moving out in next few weeks. It’s been months of us in the same house but separated.

I have continued (happily) to do the lions share of childcare for DC 2 & 5. The plan is DH will have them around 6 out of 14 days. I’m so sad about this and the prospect of it is breaking my heart.

In laws mentioned to STBXH at the weekend they would happily have our DC for a few days or even a week over the summer so we could both have a break. They mentioned this to DH who said it to me. I said, well if we were still a couple, great, but we don’t need a break at the same time. I’m just not up for being without them any longer than need be.

MIL & I have a good relationship and I want to nurture it. But today she messaged me with same idea.

I seriously don’t get what everybody else is not getting? Why would I want them to go away for a week without seeing them half the time anyway??

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Do other people see it differently?

OP is upset that she won't be spending as much time with her children when they go to their fathers, she doesn't want to lose even more time with them sending them to grandparents...so it makes sense for the GPs to have them during their father's time.

OP is being perfectly reasonable here and what you don't see as a massive deal might be for OP, and it's not like she's saying the GPs can't spend time with the kids. OP also doesn't want to not see her kids for potentially 10 days in row and that's far too long for the kids to not see their mum too

Possibly yes because my children aren’t a battleground

😒

Another plant from HQ to keep the thread going? What part of op wants to spend time with her children during her separation, so they can see GPs with their father, are you not getting?

WTF? A plant?

I’m answering people asking ME a question.

I’m not saying the OP SHOULD do anything, she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to.

I’m saying that in her position my decision would be around what my children would enjoy and benefit from, not a ‘my time/his time’ assessment.

well when its your kids, you can decide

Yanbu

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine!

This is fine to say. You can add that it's already heartbreaking for you to be without your kids for the 6 days in 14 they will be with EXDH and you will be treasuring every single moment with them and not sending them elsewhere. If DH feels differently and wants to share the load of his 6/14 days with them, that's not your concern.

Don’t message them, phone them or meet them for a coffee!

I think it is really important that you maintain a good relationship with them and so many misunderstandings happen over text.

And when you do thank them kindly for a lovely offer but say that it is still early days and both you and the children will need time to adjust to the new reality.

In 5 years time, if you are in a new relationship, and the children are much older, you may jump at an offer like that, so keep them onside whilst retaining clear boundaries.

RTFT, she’s already messaged MIL.

@countcalculia ,

Apologies, I skimmed it, but didn’t read carefully.

Doesn’t mean she can’t follow up with a call or suggest meeting for a coffee.

I actually don’t think they are trying to be helpful. Who does it help? They know we both have a lot of childfree time ahead of us. The fact that they want them for a week is understandable, but I wish they hadn’t phrased it ‘to give us a break’. I will never need a break from them.

Unfortunately they don’t live close by so it’s more of a sleepover, big day trip to drive both ways or meet in city between us which is exhausting for everyone.

Our arrangement is every other weekend and different days in the week so they won’t get a long visit in DH’s time alone. I just think they & DH haven’t thought this through. If I suggested same to DH about my parents it would be WW3. Interesting that significant amount of people think it should be ok so see GPs perspective. But it’s a firm no.

FYI my family live just as far away but not same place

I understand they are only 2 and 5 right now but as they get older I think keeping the same pattern through the summer and term time will become unworkable. I'm sure you'll want to take them away on holiday for more than a couple of days, and so will your Ex. The vast majority of blended families separate the 6 week break differently to the term, usually in a week long or even 2 week blocks.

Also, just to add that my daughter has been away with my parents for a few days a couple of times and she's absolutely loved it. I missed her like crazy but she got so much out of it and the cuddles when we saw each other again were wonderful. It would have been a shame if she'd missed out on that because DH and I had split up.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, just that in the long term it might be worth reassessing whether the plan can become a bit more flexible to accommodate things like this, once you and the children have got more used to the situation.

Absolutely not looking for advice around the way we split our time.

You missed your kids like crazy even though you live with them full time. For gods sake get a grip. How on earth do you think it’s the same thing?

I didn't mean to upset you, I'm talking from the perspective of being part of a blended family for 10 years and just letting you know that things are likely to get more complicated if you're rigid about your time split.

There's no need to be rude. You literally asked if you were being unreasonable, and I gently told you that you probably were being, or at least, will be, if you aren't flexible going forward.

Have a great summer.

How is letting me know you missed your DD like crazy when she was gone for a few days, even though you see here every other day, helpful? Like suggesting it’s the same thing?

And I am not suggesting I am going to be rigid either. You’ve added that context from you somewhere. I’ve said right now, how could I bear to spend even less time with them

You have a great summer too 🙄

Op, no one with an ounce of sense would think you're being unreasonable. You want to be with your dc and they are now with you less than you'd ever choose so wouldn't ever choose to spend even less time with them. It's not remotely difficult to understand

I hope your mil realises what she asked you and sends a normal response

You've said you couldn't bear to spend any less time with them and that you're not willing to consider altering the time split over summer so they could potentially have a week with their grandparents. That's quite rigid. And the point was that sometimes your children benefit from being away from you even though you might miss them a lot.

Clearly your post wasn't "Am I being unreasonable," but "I've decided I'm being reasonable, validate me." So we'll leave it there and I'll wish you the best of luck on your coparenting journey.

Have said on previous post - I see GPs perspective. That’s why I asked, to try and see POV, which I have. And have said it is still a hard no.

Wish you the best of luck with your passive aggressive trolling

They are trying to - give you both a break -together!

Spot on !

I also have a 60/40 split with my XH - we share 3 DC. It is hard splitting time but we have managed well so far (5 years). One thing that has never happened is my XIL offering to have the kids for a week, however they used to before we split. I would have to ask them now (as theyre older than yours) but if they didn’t want to go my response would be thank you, it’s such a nice offer, however I plan my week and activities around them being here so I wouldn’t want too long without them!

Nope, your husband has to arrange for visits during his time.

I'm married but MIL has been offering to take the children to "give me a break" for the past nearly 17 years. I love my children and enjoy spending time with them. I always have and I've never once felt I've "needed a break"... Even during the first 3 years when DS didn't sleep!
I work full time and that's already too much time missed in my opinion.
I only ever allow the kids to go to the in-laws during school holidays when I have to work or occasional weekends if there's something special on or I have to do something else. Now that they're older occasionally they will ask to go and stay, which of course I allow but I hate them being away. I'm dreading DD going to uni!

I feel the phrase "to give me a break" probably explains a lot about DH's upbringing and how MIL felt as a parent.

I hate the expression "give me a break" too. My Mum is always offering to have DS for a weekend to give me a break. I don't need or want a break!