In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

In process of divorcing. STBXH moving out in next few weeks. It’s been months of us in the same house but separated.

I have continued (happily) to do the lions share of childcare for DC 2 & 5. The plan is DH will have them around 6 out of 14 days. I’m so sad about this and the prospect of it is breaking my heart.

In laws mentioned to STBXH at the weekend they would happily have our DC for a few days or even a week over the summer so we could both have a break. They mentioned this to DH who said it to me. I said, well if we were still a couple, great, but we don’t need a break at the same time. I’m just not up for being without them any longer than need be.

MIL & I have a good relationship and I want to nurture it. But today she messaged me with same idea.

I seriously don’t get what everybody else is not getting? Why would I want them to go away for a week without seeing them half the time anyway??

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Do other people see it differently?

She was, last night.

It isn't, but it is up to her not to be bitter and to stop them seeing the kids (like many scorned ex-wives do).

It sounds like you sent them a good message. Crazy idea from them.

Yes & they can spend time with their paternal grandparents on their Dad's time!

mum doesn't want to see her children even less!

Yes, find great. They can do that on Dad's time. It's no less lovely for them then

It's not rude!

the children can go & stay with them on Dad's time, she's not stopping them going, just not on her time which she wants to spend with her children

FFS it's not a difficult concept

@Merryoldgoat

theyre 2&5. You'd be happy not to see them for 3 weeks??

50/50?

That's a heck no for me.

2 is far too young to not see your Mum for 6 days.

You need to think of this from a 2 and 5 yr olds perspective.

Ridiculous overreach. Where has OP said a) she's bitter, b) that she's going to stop her ex-in laws seeing them and c) that she's scorned? She's made it clear throughout that her in-laws are very welcome to see the DC – just not during her precious 50%. I loathe the mentality that it is up to women to relationships going with the ex's family after the divorce. No, it's not.

This is exactly what I thought.

They think they are helping you and your husband to mend your marriage.

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester

I would have gone to court. I doubt they'd make you do 50/50 for 2 & 5 year olds when you have been doing the majority of the childcare. Especially if his 50% will mean a change to their usual childcare routine on top of the divorce. It"ll be interesting to see how long he wants to keep doing 50/50. A lot of men only want it to save on CMS, but quickly wake up to the reality.

obviously some Dad's are brilliant & are also good full time Dad'd, it's just not so common!

best wishes

Your children are very very young. Children under the age of seven or eight would rarely be away from their mums overnight in any other circumstance.

I would keep in mind that they are dependent on you for anything, have also been exposed to all the changes that go with mum and dad separating and channel that frustration into changing 50/50 to full custody until the children are emotionally developed enough to be without you.

It would be very different if they were teenagers but they're not. These are their infant and young childhood that moulds a huge amount of their future.

Grandparents can visit for a few hours a month until your children are secure in a new set up.

It's a risk when you start hearing "what do the children want?". They are 2 & 5. Small children should want, but more than this, small children need their mum. They need two parents, also true.

In my case, my children were subjected to extreme brutal parental alienation from an abusive narcissistic ex who took revenge on me for divorcing him, by taking every single action he could to wipe me from my kids life, using delay, court action, false claims. All of them have been disproven. A supervision order was ultimately put in place to get my children contact with me. I have joint custody (50/50). Now he has refused to work with the child protection people- on the day child protection went to court to extend the order he phoned in sick so the order lapsed. Now waiting for a child protection board to investigate again - 6 years this has been going on. After all this time my children do not want to see me, because he has done a number on them - and yes, at the start they did want me. I tried contact centres (two) and both times he was identified as the abuser.

The kids can see their GP on the dad's time. And you cannot and should not stop that. Protect your space and parenting. It's likely it is very amicable now, but that can change.
I notice his parents are financially supporting their son in a new home too. My ex is like this, and he has refused to sell our family home or honor any aspect of the divorce settlement for over half a decade.

At the start of this, you have no idea how toxic and cruel people can be. You're divorcing.

The OP says for a few days or even a week…

My PIL have been a very regular fixture in my sons’ lives since birth so having them for a week would be something THEY (the children) would love.

Three weeks seems like a lot but that’s not what the OP said.

Some single parents, or even those in partnerships like the break to sort out the house/garden, deep clean, decorate etc. I was taken on holiday by my GPs and my GC have good relationships with wider family. I'd just say that not at the moment, you all need routine to adjust to the change. In the future you don't know how life changes. You might have poor health, or want to date again etc. When the children are at school childcare so you don't have to take time off wirk during illness is a godsend. Don't underestimate a change in your ex once you are enjoying life, or dating. So I'd keep your options open.

She's not stopping them seeing the kids, she's saying they can see the kids during her ex's time with them.

Well considering they have split and ex has bought a new house, and his parents are helping him, I doubt they are helping to try and get them back together

If you get on with PIL, I'd just respond to MIL saying you don't need a break at this time and you want to be with dc to help them adjust to their dad moving out. You never know, you may welcome a week's holiday in a year or two.

If you don't get on with them tell MIL it's a wrench not to have dc 6 days out of every 14 as it is, you don't need any further time away from them.

On what planet is this reply rude?! It thanks them for their kind offer and they are welcome to have the GCs on the Dad’s time not the mum’s.

It’s perfectly reasonable and what I would send too.

Firm no from me. They can have dc when it's your ex's turn just as if your family wanted them it'd be in your time.

You need to make it clear that any time they now spend with your kids needs to be when their son has them. Your time is focussed on you.

OP, we get it.
Nothing transactional about not wanting to be away from your very children any longer than necessary.
Of course this is a huge scary change.
Lots of parents never spend a night away from their young children. To then go to 6 nights away will be a huge shock for you and them.
2 and 5 are very young, especially the 2 year old whom will have little comprehension.
What is it about MN that some posters need to put the boot in to a young mother struggling with her marriage breakdown and drastically reduced time with the children she carried and birthed.
So unnecessarily unkind.
Mind yourself OP.

OP can have a break when the kids are with their dad, his parents can see the kids during that time, not OP's.

Wtf is with people saying ‘what do the kids want’? They’re 2 and 5!! If you don’t want it to chip into your time, decline politely; I’m sure they mean well but right now it’s hard for you (and reasonably so)