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Original poster

In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

209 replies

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 19/06/2024 21:29

In process of divorcing. STBXH moving out in next few weeks. It’s been months of us in the same house but separated.

I have continued (happily) to do the lions share of childcare for DC 2 & 5. The plan is DH will have them around 6 out of 14 days. I’m so sad about this and the prospect of it is breaking my heart.

In laws mentioned to STBXH at the weekend they would happily have our DC for a few days or even a week over the summer so we could both have a break. They mentioned this to DH who said it to me. I said, well if we were still a couple, great, but we don’t need a break at the same time. I’m just not up for being without them any longer than need be.

MIL & I have a good relationship and I want to nurture it. But today she messaged me with same idea.

I seriously don’t get what everybody else is not getting? Why would I want them to go away for a week without seeing them half the time anyway??

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Do other people see it differently?

OP posts:
Shudahaddogs · 22/06/2024 18:55

The soon to be ex in laws need to catch on quick. Please remember they will always take his side from now on, its the only side they will listen to, however much you think you have a good relationship with them. Set boundaries early

Original poster
RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 22/06/2024 19:09

EnglishBluebell · 21/06/2024 21:11

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester I think it's incredibly cruel for children to be relayed back & forth in 50:50 arrangements and them no longer having a main 'base' as it were, that they can call home. No matter what each parent does, they'll never feel 100% at home at either house. Not properly.

Even 60:40 would be better and would enable them to feel more settled at at least one of their parent's homes.

Thanks for selling me cruel while I’m feeling like this.

Please see prior posts - definately not looking for advice around how we arrange our time.

And for the record, 6 out of 14 (our arrangement) is more like 40/60 than 50/50 so please do one

OP posts:
Original poster
RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 22/06/2024 19:12

Nottodaythankyou123 · 21/06/2024 20:34

I think his time is for seeing his family, like they’d see your family in your time.

It must be really daunting OP, and you’ll get your “break” when they’re at their dad’s. You’ve said you’ve sent them an honest message and I think that’s the best way to approach it - irrespective of their intentions you’re getting used to your new normal and don’t want to see them for even less than you have to. If you’ve always done the lions share of parenting I’m willing to bet they’ll see plenty of the kids on your ex husbands time when the reality of looking after 2 young children sinks in!

Thank you. I bloody hope so!

OP posts:
Keepthosenamesgoing · 22/06/2024 19:18

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 22/06/2024 19:09

Thanks for selling me cruel while I’m feeling like this.

Please see prior posts - definately not looking for advice around how we arrange our time.

And for the record, 6 out of 14 (our arrangement) is more like 40/60 than 50/50 so please do one

Show quote history

I do 50 50 and my kids are not axe murderers (so far) and they are actually decent humans! We've been 50 50 for 8 years!

You sound lovely OP and please ignore them

Original poster
RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 22/06/2024 19:26

Genevieva · 21/06/2024 22:50

If you are the main cater then you should continue to be. A 2 year old needs continuity and, ideal, they need Mum. There is no way for agree to in laws having my kids for a week at that age, even without divorce. And there’s no way I’d let my husband having them so much if the time when he isn’t used to doing everything for them. Give him every other weekend. Start with one night away from you snd see how it goes.

Please try to understand I’m not letting him do anything.

Were getting divorced so it’s not like he needs to listen to what I say. We are both equal, on birth certificate, child has two equal parents. Yes I feel like I am the major carer but that makes no difference to him.

If we go to court he will be granted 50/50 rather than the 40/60 we currently have arranged. And he will rigidly stick to it if it’s a court order.

OP posts:
OKMom4 · 22/06/2024 22:09

Both of my adult sons have had recent breakups, which has vastly reduced the time I get to spend with my four grandchildren. Since they never need a break or couple time together, they just don't need me like they did before. It really sucks, but it is totally understandable. It is what it is. I spend more time traveling to their city to visit them at their homes. I also take them out to a shop or to lunch and then return them. It isn't as much as the week-long visits to my house, but everyone has to adjust to a new normal.

Genevieva · 22/06/2024 22:54

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 22/06/2024 19:26

Please try to understand I’m not letting him do anything.

Were getting divorced so it’s not like he needs to listen to what I say. We are both equal, on birth certificate, child has two equal parents. Yes I feel like I am the major carer but that makes no difference to him.

If we go to court he will be granted 50/50 rather than the 40/60 we currently have arranged. And he will rigidly stick to it if it’s a court order.

Show quote history

I feel for you. He does not sound caring or accommodating. It is not in a 2 year old’s best interest to have this arrangement. But time passes quickly and by 4 or 5 it would be fine.

GrannyRose15 · 23/06/2024 00:06

If I were you I’d be nurturing a good relationship between your children and their grandparents. You never know when you might be grateful for it. Grandparents can often provide stability when parents split.

Letsbe · 23/06/2024 11:00

It must be very hard for you. I know you were not asking but i think your arrangement can work well.

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