In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

In process of divorcing. STBXH moving out in next few weeks. It’s been months of us in the same house but separated.

I have continued (happily) to do the lions share of childcare for DC 2 & 5. The plan is DH will have them around 6 out of 14 days. I’m so sad about this and the prospect of it is breaking my heart.

In laws mentioned to STBXH at the weekend they would happily have our DC for a few days or even a week over the summer so we could both have a break. They mentioned this to DH who said it to me. I said, well if we were still a couple, great, but we don’t need a break at the same time. I’m just not up for being without them any longer than need be.

MIL & I have a good relationship and I want to nurture it. But today she messaged me with same idea.

I seriously don’t get what everybody else is not getting? Why would I want them to go away for a week without seeing them half the time anyway??

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Do other people see it differently?

She won't be doing 'all the care' when they're with their father. There seems to be an attitude on here that only mothers should have their children, fathers just used for money!

"that's a very kind offer thank you. I am concerned of seeing my children less as their dad will have them 50%. As a mum yourself I hope you can understand how that may feel. However I'm happy to work with you to come to some sort of compromise so that everyone is happy"

You've not dismissed her i.e keeping the relationship but stated your feelings. I'd imagine she is coming from a kind place and wants to be seen as helpful. You can then negotiate with her if need be. Instead of a week she might compromise to a day earlier before going to their dads perhaps on a once off in the holidays or whatever. I understand you don't want to see your children any less than you will have them for. At the same time I'd personally want to keep the grandparents on side. Especially if you think exDH may become a knob at some point and you need emergency childcare or whatever.

Absolutely what I'd do.
On MN all you are going to get are the MIL {Mother in law} haters.

I think it sounds like they just want to support you both. I'm a single mum and have been since my dd was born, and I can honestly say that my ILs help is invaluable. Things are still very raw for you, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face. When they're older and you have 6 weeks summer holidays to cover you might think differently. My dd is spending 2 weeks with me, 2 weeks with her dad and a week with each of his parents.....I'm really looking forward to the quiet time and being able to go for dinner on a week night with friends! Having help available when one of them is poorly or an inset day is worth sucking it up for. Sending big hugs, and reassurance that it gets easier to let them go, you're teaching them how to be resilient, self reliant and independent - these are all great life skills x

I think they were just trying to be kind but missed the mark on this occasion. Probably better to speak to them about it if you can and explain that while it was a kind thought, you won't be needing them to look after the children in the summer if your Ex is looking after them part of the time anyway.

But try to stay on good terms with them. It's not their fault the marriage has broken down and it's good for your children if even split families can get along. Plus at some stage in the future you may actually like the idea of having possible childcare from them if you need it.

I wished we'd lived nearer to in laws after divorce.

Children can really benefit from a few days with Granny and Grandad.

If they are local, all the better as it isn't then such a palaver.

I didn't say OP need a break, I said the opposite

I agree OP if they want to have them overnight it is not in any way unreasonable for that to be during your ex’s time with them.

I would still do what you can to maintain a good relationship with them as it sounds like you’ve got on well over the years but I’m sure they will understand where you are coming from with overnight stays.

Has she responded @RedLeicesterRedLeicester

Tell MIL that you will already be seeing less of them, so it’s a no from you, but she is welcome to have them for 6 days when it is the ex’s slot.

Really?! I think the op sounds very much like she is planning to be a constant in her kids life, so this could be pretty insulting to a mum feeling sensitive about divorce and the impact on her kids!!

It's a strange shift when it goes from childcare or a few nights off being a rare and precious thing, to time with your kids being the thing you miss. I'd probably try to be flexible and suggest that the grandparents have a few days on "your" time and the rest on ExH's. You will miss them but they will remember that you helped them keep positive relationships with all of their family. If ExH is a reasonable sort of person, hopefully he will remember that you were flexible when it comes to you wanting a 2 week holiday with DCs or needing to change weekends. And in years to come you might find that even 3 weeks of the summer is hard/expensive to cover and be grateful to still have grandparents that can step in.

Had they ever taken the DCs for a week in summer while you were still together? I do think this is a lovely idea either way, my mum takes my DCs for a week every summer and they go to my DPs parents for a week also and I've never questioned this - facetime and phonecalls everyday. Do they live far away? Could you still see them while they are with the Grandparents?

They are panicking they will see their grandchildren less and they want to maintain a good relationship with you. Unfortunately you and your ex are unlikely to ever want them to go away for a week, adding to the half of their lives you will miss so they will just have to suck that one up. It’s up to your ex to reassure them that they’ll still see the kids when with him. From experience it’s really best to distance yourself from them now to avoid awkwardness in the future when you or your ex have a new partner.

MIlL it is a wonderful idea for the DC to spend some time with you in the holidays. I’m struggling with the idea of not having them at home with me everyday due to the separation so can we arrange for you to have them for a few days on ExH time and we can play the rest by ear?

Completely understandable, op. It's your dh's responsibility to manage that relationship now (between his kids and pils).
I have a 4 year old and a 17 month old and I'd feel exactly the same as you if I suddenly went 6 days without seeing them.

Op you just need time.

you’re grieving and going through a major life change. You’re extra sensitive right now too and that’s very normal.

be kind to the in-laws. Thank them and suggest they have them next year perhaps when you are settled with your new routine and they can go for a weekend especially as they be a little older.

you may feel differently then you might not. But you need time.

I wouldn’t want to be apart from my children and they are alot older. They see their grandparents lots with us (we’re married) and occasional one night sleepover but wouldn’t want more than that. It is ok to be a parent that loves spending time with your kids. Life is busy and I dont want mine apart from me anymore than they already are (school/work etc). Mine see friends and family lots, are very confident children but I dont like the idea of a week away. Other people may think differently, other parents may struggle more and really need the time and space - we’re all different.

You are being completely fair and have said you have no issue with them spending as much time with grandparents as they want when its your ex-DH’s time to have them. Just be honest and say you dont want the time away from them. Its your decision when they are with you.

I think just thank them directly and say you’re keen to spend as much time with the children as possible especially as you adjust to the new normal but you’re sure H would appreciate it when it’s his time with them, or something,
so you’re politely saying they can see them on his time

They would surely go to ex-in laws for a weekend in her DH’s time though otherwise she loses even more weekends with them?

I would keep the boundaries very strong and fair. I can see from my friends who are divorced that the ones with good boundaries have had the least problems.

I wonder if they are struggling to accept the new reality so as others have said, I would keep communication limited with them till you are in the swing of things with your new routine.

I wouldn't close the door to it for good because you don't know that you won't need them onside for childcare at some point. As others have suggested, I think I'd say that it's really kind, that at the moment you're getting used to the new normal and you would rather have all of your 50% with them, that of course if your STBX wants them to go to grandparents for some of his time you would have no problem with that at all, and you really appreciate the offer and will let them know if you do need a break in the future.

YANBU. Unless they made their offer hoping you and their DS would get back together, what they’re asking is unreasonable. They can see the children during the time they’re with their DF. That’s how it works. Grandparents aren’t included in contact arrangements usually. Those are between parents.

Personally I think the GPS are trying to get extra time, not liking the fact the DCs will be with you slightly more. Whether your STBX is involved in this or not, doesn’t matter. Just say No. Say you’re managing fine and enjoy the time with your DC, but they are, of course, welcome to make arrangements with their DS during his contact time.

Why are people telling op to be nice to GPs?

She's not dim, clearly OP is mature enough to accept them going to dad half the time, no complaints there. She's friendly with the in laws and has explained she doesn't want a break, that's all!

This

I don't understand your problem. They want to have the dc over for a few days or even a week.
So, they can do this during his contact time. I won't affect you at all