In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

In process of divorcing. STBXH moving out in next few weeks. It’s been months of us in the same house but separated.

I have continued (happily) to do the lions share of childcare for DC 2 & 5. The plan is DH will have them around 6 out of 14 days. I’m so sad about this and the prospect of it is breaking my heart.

In laws mentioned to STBXH at the weekend they would happily have our DC for a few days or even a week over the summer so we could both have a break. They mentioned this to DH who said it to me. I said, well if we were still a couple, great, but we don’t need a break at the same time. I’m just not up for being without them any longer than need be.

MIL & I have a good relationship and I want to nurture it. But today she messaged me with same idea.

I seriously don’t get what everybody else is not getting? Why would I want them to go away for a week without seeing them half the time anyway??

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Do other people see it differently?

Ynbu to decline, if it doesn't suit you it's not really a favour or a break.

An honest and kind response was a good idea, you never know if you might have something come up down the line where you take them up on their offer but for now and whilst everyone gets used to their new routine I can see why it's not in the best interests of you or your children.

I wouldn’t worry about it too much as when it comes down to it he’ll probably have them a lot less than this arrangement. But for now say MIL can see them whenever but only overnights in their Dad’s time.

She said they are more than welcome to see them whenever they want, how is that rude?

Perhaps grandparents want to spend time with them too, so perhaps EX-H could stay over with the children at his parents' house for a week or weekend during the summer holidays so that neither of you miss out on any of your time with them, because he will be with them while grandparents get to see them too?
Do they live nearby? Or if they live far away, maybe Ex-H could take them to his parents' when he has a holiday from work too ... ?
hope that you can find a solution where the children can spend time with all immediate family members 🍀👍💕
xx

All the sensible Mumsnetters agree with you OP!

STBXH can organise time with his parents of course but given the HUGE upheaval the kids are facing surely it would be better if his parents came to stay with him in his new house and saw them there until the kids settle down.

My heart would break if I could not see my little ones for days at a time. I wish you every strength as you figure out how to come to terms with it.

I read it as his parents are perhaps in denial you’re separated and trying to suggest things that may bring you back together

Unfair and judgemental comments. Totally unreasonable to blame DH's upbringing and how Mil felt as a parent?????

But that is up to HIM

As I doubt you know my MIL or DH I don't think you're very able to judge whether it's unfair or not.

Exactly this 👆

A few alarm bells. DCs are v small. You're currentkt doing lion's share but he is about to get a chunk of contact time which he doesn't currently use/have. This may (?) be making you a bit nervous. If your relationship with MIL is really good I would just tell her upfront that you absolutely don't want/need her to take your children off your hands but that you'd be happy if she wants to arrange something with her own son on the days he has your DCs.

Even without the issue of the parents separating a whole week with GPs seems a hell of a long time for a 2 and 5 year old to be away from their parents. I'm saying that as a mum who actually could do with a break, a week would be too much for those ages.

I think his time is for seeing his family, like they’d see your family in your time.

It must be really daunting OP, and you’ll get your “break” when they’re at their dad’s. You’ve said you’ve sent them an honest message and I think that’s the best way to approach it - irrespective of their intentions you’re getting used to your new normal and don’t want to see them for even less than you have to. If you’ve always done the lions share of parenting I’m willing to bet they’ll see plenty of the kids on your ex husbands time when the reality of looking after 2 young children sinks in!

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester I think it's incredibly cruel for children to be relayed back & forth in 50:50 arrangements and them no longer having a main 'base' as it were, that they can call home. No matter what each parent does, they'll never feel 100% at home at either house. Not properly.

Even 60:40 would be better and would enable them to feel more settled at at least one of their parent's homes.

Feel for you. You sound like a lovely mother x

A 2 and 5 year old whose parents are recently divorced are not going to benefit from a whole week separated from both parents.

Especially as they presumably don't see their grandparents that often due to distance.

If grandparents have any sense they would be suggesting coming over to help their son with the children during his time. They sound quite selfish really and clearly not thinking of anyone's best interests except their own.

A week with grandparents is something to be considered when the children are settled into the new routine and are a bit older. Probably in a couple of years.

The situation with a child of non divorced parents going for a few days is obviously different to a week right after a divorce

Yes, no way mine would be happy with that. A single night maybe. Obviously would be different if grandparents very local and are seeing children several times a week, providing childcare etc.

If you are the main cater then you should continue to be. A 2 year old needs continuity and, ideal, they need Mum. There is no way for agree to in laws having my kids for a week at that age, even without divorce. And there’s no way I’d let my husband having them so much if the time when he isn’t used to doing everything for them. Give him every other weekend. Start with one night away from you snd see how it goes.

I totally understand how you feel but things will change as they get older and one day you may need them so don’t alienate you

Well, that's just fabby for you. Not everyone is as lucky.

You wouldn't want your co-parenting to be so transactional? Oh boy. It's very clear that you have never been divorced!

Which is what I said, that the reasonable thing would be to consider it for future years. But even in the fairly short term, keeping a few days in the week + EOW split through the holidays means neither parent is able to have a family holiday or settle in to family time, and the kids are going to be to and fro every couple of days. We tried something like that with my SD one year because her Mum was trying to structure it around her work (fair enough) but it was a disaster, she was unsettled all summer and got sick of it within about 2 weeks.

Op I am a child of divorced parents. My parents did many things wrong in their divorce but one thing they did right was they BOTH fostered a relationship with the grandparents. As a result I grew up feeling loved and cared for by my grandparents whom I adored. I can recall both my father and mother dropping me off at their x In laws and it always being a nice experience.

So while I get that the "to give you a break" comment may grate and that right now the idea of being away from your children feels horrid. Then consider what mil could have said? She is hoping to get to keep a close relationship with her grandchildren and there is noway she can say that without it will encroach on your (and stbx) parenting time so she tried a softer approach. Right now it may not be good for you but in 5 years you may love the idea.

I'm not saying take her up on this. However telling her you will keep supporting a good and close relationship with the grandchildren and actually supporting this (I know many here will say that's your stbx job I disagree I think its BOTH your jobs for BOTH grandparents) can have so many benefits on your children.

When my dad dropped me off at my maternal grandma's often loud and chaotic house (she had 7 children and 16 grandchildren) he was always invited in for coffee. My mother the same at Paternal grandparents house. Neither parent were pushed away they were still a welcome part of their family. That is important to remember to foster. (Doesn't have to be via a weeks holiday though)

I think they meant that a) they'd still like to have the kids over occasionally and that b) they'd be happy to cover any situations where you need support for whatever reason. I can think of things like one of you being rushed to hospital but the other is on a work trip for example. Or you're going to a concert and your Ex has the flu.

The only alarm bells that ring is that Ex might have plans to give the lion's share of his six days of childcare to his parents. Or for them to manage nursery and school drop-offs.

yup, its fascinating on MN the number of people who give opinions of things where they have zero experience

These tiny children haven't even had the chance to adjust to being without their parents every day, so it's a bit too soon to expect them to cope with being without any parents. Grandparents can wait.