In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

In process of divorcing. STBXH moving out in next few weeks. It’s been months of us in the same house but separated.

I have continued (happily) to do the lions share of childcare for DC 2 & 5. The plan is DH will have them around 6 out of 14 days. I’m so sad about this and the prospect of it is breaking my heart.

In laws mentioned to STBXH at the weekend they would happily have our DC for a few days or even a week over the summer so we could both have a break. They mentioned this to DH who said it to me. I said, well if we were still a couple, great, but we don’t need a break at the same time. I’m just not up for being without them any longer than need be.

MIL & I have a good relationship and I want to nurture it. But today she messaged me with same idea.

I seriously don’t get what everybody else is not getting? Why would I want them to go away for a week without seeing them half the time anyway??

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Do other people see it differently?

They sound wonderful GPs and my thoughts are that they are doing this in the best interests of all. Yes, you will already have cf time when your STBXH has your children but I am unsure why the GPs should specifically arrange the holiday for your STBXH's 'time'. Perhaps you could use the free time for some additional 'me' time? To recharge your batteries and relax. Your children will benefit greatly from their GP's intervention in their lives. Believe me, that cannot be assumed or taken for granted. Take care of yourself at this difficult time

This is a good approach.

Do you trust MIL? Is she trying to get her own access time under court orders?

Why is DH getting almost 50/50 when they are so little and you are the primary caregiver?

Because they aren't a couple anymore, the parents should be asking their son if they can have their grandkids for a weekend during his time, it isn't for OP to facilitate.

I am unsure why the GPs should specifically arrange the holiday for your STBXH's 'time'.

Because they’re his side of the family. He can use his time facilitating time with his parents, nieces, nephews, etc for his DC. In her time, OP can do the same with her family. Why on earth should OP lose some of her precious time with her children so that his parents can have a week with them?? Nobody separated that I know does that. It’s daft, quite apart from being unfair.

They are probably wanting to do something to help, it is misplaced but I think well meant. I'd just say thanks but at the moment you want the time with them but maybe useful in the future.

My exDIL decided to go back to uni and I always had the GC at the drop of a hat, needed picking up sick from school/mum struggling with a deadline/inset day at school. We aren't particularly close but she did get to a point where she was grateful for the support and with GC grown up we are still in touch.

Whose time should it be arranged in then?

The general approach is each parent arranges for their parents to see their DGC in their own time, not their ex's time.

But she is about to get 6 days a fortnight ‘free’ time, if by ‘free’ you mean with no children, and she’s devastated about that. How would MORE days without her children help in any way??

Do you think the ops ex will be facilitating days out for the kids with the ops parents on his time? As someone who’s barely parented he presumably will be desperate for the ‘free’ time, but it’s still so so so unlikely he maintains the children in regular contact with the ops parents.

The time split 6/14 is 6 days over a fortnight but not 6 days in a row btw

That is true for GPs having contact with the children, it doesn't mean the GPs can't offer support if either parent needs it. If someone came on here and said they were a single parent, had no family and needed urgent care for the children (maybe mum needs an operation or something) and the exILs said no they'd only do it on the other parents time people would be calling them unreasonable.

Of course the GPs can offer support, but if it's not helpful to OP at this time then there's no point.

I was responding to the poster who was saying it's fine for GP's to arrange the holiday in OP's time.

There is a point to offering, it means she knows that support is there for her. Obviously if she doesn't need it she can thank them for the offer and let them know if she needs it she will call them.

It's nice they have offered to have your children to give you a break - they are probably thinking more about how you are feeling emotionally about the split rather than how you are feeling about not seeing your children 100% of the time.

It's a tough situation but I would burn bridges at the moment if I were you x

Totally agree - at 2 and 5, our kids had never had a night away from us and would never have wanted it (regardless of being married, divorced etc).

I think making clear boundaries is extremely important - she is already dealing with losing time with her kids when they are with their Dad, so ill judged of grandparents to suggest having even more time away from them (even if it came from a good place and they meant well).

1 his week
2 grandparents take her week
3 his week

thats 3 weeks not with their Mum.

already unsettled, very small children do not benefit being apart from their Mum, not even to bond with grandparents.

They are offering "to give them BOTH a break" the key word is BOTH I'm 100% convinced the DGP are hoping that some alone time they might help Op and DH rekindle their marriage.

DH might be in the process of buying a house. House can easily be sold again.

Op you sound like your trying for an amicable split. Is it worth having a bit of time together, counselling see if you can save your marriage?

I work with two divorcees who go out to dinner, date nights, with their ex. An old friend split with her child's father when the child was a baby. The child had a step dad for most of their childhood, only for the parents to get back together when they were late teens.

I obviously misunderstood as that’s not what I imagined

The OP said the GPs said a few days or even a week so they don't seem to be angling for her full week. I think they are trying to be helpful and to show DiL they are offering the same as their son. Honestly you can't be nice without it being twisted.

This is how I’d read it too.

As I said I’m happily married with lovely in-laws so appreciate it’s different but they’ve seen the kids at least weekly since they were born (holidays/covid/sickness etc excepted) and if my husband and I split I wouldn’t want to change that as the children love them and they are wonderful grandparents.

kindly meant maybe...and most people have said this but not well thought through and definitely badly timed.

but would you give up your time with them (and also potentially) their other GP's time to facilitate this? What's so wrong with the father's parents seeing the kids during their fathers 50%?

Because that isn't offering support to their mother. I have always supported my exDIL with the GC. Her family aren't local and if she needed help and their dad couldn't have them due to his work (he worked long shifts in a job that wasn't flexible) I always had them. She had no concerns about asking me, even when it was her first holiday with a new boyfriend, as I had told her I would always have them if she needed me to.

I wasn't trying to stop her seeing them, I wasn't trying to steal her time with them, it wasn't always convenient for me but I wanted to help. So shoot me!

Possibly yes because my children aren’t a battleground.

The more people who love my children the better.

They can love them just the same on the father's time can't they?

I just don’t see this as a massive deal
if the grandparents are loving, kind, and the children enjoy their time with their grandparents

Hi OP, your PIL sound like they want to be helpful so I'm sure they will be agreeable to helping you out if needed kn your terms. Day trips, helping out on inset days etc would be more helpful over the coming year(s). I'm not sure how it's going with you and your exh but if you possibly can, I would talk to him about being really flexible. Especially during the adjustment period, it's really helpful if you can keep the arrangements fluid. I am 7 years on from where you are and with older kids now but no two weeks are the same and based around the needs of the kids. We live close by so it really helps. If there's an activity on on some sports training or a party, we decide who will do it. Often I will have one kid here while the other stays at their dad's - this is especially useful when secondary school age hits and activities etc become a bit more random.

Of course, this may take a while to establish and means both being on the same page in terms of acknowledging that there will be challenges, miscommunication to overcome etc.