In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

In process of divorcing. STBXH moving out in next few weeks. It’s been months of us in the same house but separated.

I have continued (happily) to do the lions share of childcare for DC 2 & 5. The plan is DH will have them around 6 out of 14 days. I’m so sad about this and the prospect of it is breaking my heart.

In laws mentioned to STBXH at the weekend they would happily have our DC for a few days or even a week over the summer so we could both have a break. They mentioned this to DH who said it to me. I said, well if we were still a couple, great, but we don’t need a break at the same time. I’m just not up for being without them any longer than need be.

MIL & I have a good relationship and I want to nurture it. But today she messaged me with same idea.

I seriously don’t get what everybody else is not getting? Why would I want them to go away for a week without seeing them half the time anyway??

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Do other people see it differently?

Or, bite their hand off for some summer holiday childcare. Not overnights but lots of lovely DGP time during the long summer holidays. Unless you have enough holiday to cover all your weeks with them?

Your H might become less keen on the whole idea of GP giving you a break if you’ve already booked them for ‘your’ weeks and he has to sort paid childcare.

Just say thanks, but no thanks, as you'll get all the break you need, and don't want whilst the dc are with your ex.

I feel the same way, share 50/50 with my ex, any holidays or days out I want to take without my dc, I take when they are with my ex. My time with my dc is precious so I choose to do child free stuff in the week or weekend they are with my ex.

Firstly would your children like to go and stay?

that should be the first consideration not your feelings of not wanting to be away from them. They deserve healthy relationships with family members other than you and it’s great for their independence and confidence.

I’m another one who thinks they are hoping some child free time for both of you might help to save the marriage.

This works well !

So say that, then? Don’t see the issue.

Just be honest with them OP.

Your ExH can facilitate visits with them when it’s his turn to have the DCs.

As PP said, this doesn’t need to be a big issue. It will be sad for you, obviously. But you’ll adapt, as most separated parents do.

If the children would like to go and stay they can go and stay with dads parents on dads time! Not taken away the precious time with their mum

Just politely say no. If your working in summer though probably a big help

I would hope that it is coming from a good place and that they’re frightened that their relationship with your DC might suffer if you’re not together. Perhaps she’s trying to strengthen the bond between them and the DC while she’s got the opportunity to suggest it. She’s going to be painfully aware that the likelihood is that you’re eventually going to move on and she has no way of knowing what that’s going to mean for her contact with her grandchildren? Suppose her son decides to be an arsehole and not make much of an effort with your DC? Or you meet someone, move to the other end of the country and they only get to see them once a year? She’s got to be considering every scenario. I know I’d be doing the same in her shoes.

I think that a slightly friendlier version of the earlier suggestion might be appropriate, especially if you’ve always got on and you want to maintain that. Maybe something like ‘Hi ex mil, thank you so much for your offer, I really appreciate the thought. I think we’ll be ok for a while; I need to adjust to not having them all the time, so I want to grab every minute with them while they’re still young enough to want to spend time with their mum rather than their mates 😁 I was thinking about a beach picnic in the next few weeks though, and was wondering if you’d like to join us for the afternoon? Obviously things are going to be a bit unsettled for the DC until they get used to their new routines so I want them to know that everyone gets on and nobody is going to be vanishing from their lives! Let me know whether you fancy it and we’ll sort out a date’.

No, facilitating contact with his relatives is not your job and, yes, it is something he could arrange on his time, but you want your DC to be happy and to be surrounded by people who love them. And if his parents get on well with you, you’ve got more of a support network when one child has a school performance and the other child has a sporting event. Or you have an emergency childcare situation. An afternoon on the beach or in the park every now and again will make them happy and feel reassured, it will make your DC happy and you get to keep them in your support network, even if you choose never to use them.

Yes, @girlfriend44 , better check what the toddlers want!

Thanks (most of you) for responses.

Guess I was looking for more of an outlet / handhold than advice. Haven’t spoken to anyone about it IRL today but it has really upset me and blindsided me I guess.

To answer some questions,

In laws 100% aware split is for good. DH has bought a new house. They are helping him with practical aspects.

Why would I agree to 50:50?
Anyone who has written this luckily (for you) has no idea what it means to be separated with children these days. Just look at any threads on here. The courts go for 50:50 starting point unless serious issue with children being cared for. It doesn’t matter if one parent uses a nanny / family support for most of their time, it’s their time. If you think I have just given my children away and rolled over you’ve got no idea. I am not going to drag us all through court to end with a situation where DH has them more than we are currently agreeing. Cheers though @MILTOBE @AnneLovesGilbert 🙄

I am v happy for DC to have relationship with in-laws just not when I’m struggling to adjust to not seeing them everyday. They are more than welcome to sleep over anytime during DHs time. @Merryoldgoat @girlfriend44 would you be happy for DC to stay at your inlaws anytime if you were only seeing them half the time as it was? Meaning you might go 10 days without seeing them for example?

I work in education so luckily holidays are sorted 🙌

Thanks to everyone who has sympathised. Just what I needed.

I have sent MIL an honest message. I’m sure she understands.

I would hope it is well meaning but misplaced. I would thank her but say that, there will be too much disruption for the children at the moment and they need to get a settled routine. When they are much older, that you might consider it then.

i can understand, as my son and his wife are also divorced. I was a no fault situation and I am very fortunate to still see my DiL for days out together during the holidays with the children.

They can take them on his days with his kids

Focus on using the nights they are at dads to take care of yourself and pour love into yourself so that the kids have you super fun and connected and happy when they're with you

Please nurture the relationship with the grandparents. My parents divorced when I was around the same age as your children. My wonderful paternal grandparents and their magical home were the one constant in my life at that time, and we were very close until the day each died.

Nobody is stopping the paternal grandparents having a relationship with the children but quite rightly the OP wants the grandparents access to be when their son has his custody not on her time .
You are being perfectly reasonable @RedLeicesterRedLeicester , particularly as you don’t need school holiday care anyway .

This. My DS used to go to his grandmother's (dad's mum) for a week or two most summer holidays. It was great for all concerned. My DS has a.fantastic relationship with his grandmother, it was helpful childcare wise, and I would take DS away for a holiday too in the summer so spent plenty of time with him. Perhaps revisit the offer when things are.settled and you are less panicked by the change to 50/50.

No, it can chip into your DHs time instead

They've just misunderstood/underestimated things

I would simply reply “Thanks for the offer, but kids are adjusting to their new reality atm. I don’t want to disrupt them any more than necessary.”

My daughter is older now. But I used to hate when my ex MIL used to say I could send her to stay with her so I could "have a break". I worked long hours in term time and relished every moment with my daughter in the school hols. I never felt I needed a break.

For some, probably irrational reason it irritated me that mil didn't say "would DD like to stay with me for a bit?" Or "I'd love for DD to stay with me" instead it was framed as doing me a favour. Which it wasn't

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Then just say that? Why on earth wouldn’t you?

’MIL, I’m really devastated that I’m only going to have the kids 50% of the time from now on. You’re welcome to have them during DH’s time, but when it’s my days I will want to spend as much time as possible with them’

This!

This is the perfect message but dont close the door ... my parents split when i was small and some of my happiest memories were when we would go to my dads parents for a couple of weeks in the summer every summer. It helped my parents with childcare so they could work but also I loved it my cousins went too. Im super close with them to this day.

Well my kids adore there grandparents and I never have a problem them going, I get to catch up on housework,sleep, bathing and a film or 2. When it's offered I'm all for it, nothing better than seeing them get on with all ages and having fun with everyone