In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

In process of divorcing. STBXH moving out in next few weeks. It’s been months of us in the same house but separated.

I have continued (happily) to do the lions share of childcare for DC 2 & 5. The plan is DH will have them around 6 out of 14 days. I’m so sad about this and the prospect of it is breaking my heart.

In laws mentioned to STBXH at the weekend they would happily have our DC for a few days or even a week over the summer so we could both have a break. They mentioned this to DH who said it to me. I said, well if we were still a couple, great, but we don’t need a break at the same time. I’m just not up for being without them any longer than need be.

MIL & I have a good relationship and I want to nurture it. But today she messaged me with same idea.

I seriously don’t get what everybody else is not getting? Why would I want them to go away for a week without seeing them half the time anyway??

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Do other people see it differently?

It’s in their interest to be able to have equal time with both parents. Many chi,Daren successfully split their time between 2 homes. Many more children have a shit life because they hardly see one parent.

@Soontobe60 @MILTOBE I agree with both to an extent, I think it depends how consciously 50/50 is arranged. My SIL’s sister is now divorced and her (older) children do a 50/50 split. However she and her ExH have sorted things so that both houses feel like home as much as possible. Their own room in both houses, sets of school uniform at both houses, a PlayStation etc. at both houses. As much as possible the children need only show up at either house as themselves - no bringing suitcases of things between homes and no feeling like your real life is in the other place.

That’s the intention anyway, I do think it must be very unsettling for children to do one week somewhere and one week somewhere else if not done thoughtfully and I certainly wouldn’t like to be swapping homes every week!

This. And please don’t let this happen. GP are important.

YANBU. Spending summer with your dcs while they are going through the unsettling process of a divorce is important.

If your stbx wants to share his time with his parents, that's up to him. Given that he doesn't do much of the childcare now, he will probably appreciate their offer.

A polite no thank you is in order.

Not always. And not where one parent has been the main caregiver for years.

Id be the same as you. Maybe ask if they would like to join you for a day out instead so you all spend time together. If you can manage that. The summer after I left my ex me and the kids spent a lot of time strengthening our bond as a little family of 3 (they were 2 and 4) and it really helped us all feel more secure. I think you've done the right thing by saying no

As others suggest, Ex-H can share his time with his parents, but be clear that it doesn’t encroach on your time. If it’s feasible distance wise, and you feel up to it, perhaps the GP can come for lunch/ tea to yours during the holidays.

It seems to be coming from a kind place, so perhaps just pick up the phone to your MIL, and explain how you feel - you will be without them for long enough going forward and are not ready to give up more time at the moment.

Then they can do it during the father’s time.

Well done OP. Will be great for the kids to see their grandparents ( on DH time not yours)

I don't think you should message these sorts of replies. You say you have a good relationship so I reckon a phone call to explain your reasoning will go down much better. Messages can be misconstrued in so many different ways.

Why are so many posters on here missing the point that the OP is already going to be seeing her DC 50% less & having ‘a break’ then. It’s not about her not wanting DC to have a relationship with the IL’s she just doesn’t want to see her DC any less. Also it’s up to STBXH to facilitate a relationship with his own parents, OP may her own parents who also want to see DC.
Im sorry you are dealing with this OP, it sounds really hard.

This. Just be honest, it’s not difficult m!

It's not up to OP what happens with these GPs. They are her ex's parents – he needs to facilitate contact with them on his time, just as OP will do with her parents during hers.

I used to go to my dad’s parents for a few days every summer and my mum would go abroad 😂. My parents were never stressed about whose day it was. It was just nice to stay with our grandparents. I think you’re absolutely fine to say no thank you though and that they are welcome to plan it with ExH for during his days.

Also my mum often arranged childcare with my dad’s parents directly to cover what she needed (as did my dad). My grandparents wanted to make sure my mum was still supported. Especially as she did the lions share of parenting.

I think they are trying to be nice, and reassuring you of their ongoing support.

I think they are also worried about seeing less of their grandchildren.

Thank them. Politely decline. Reassure them that you will continue to nurture a relationship of your children and their grandparents. It’s really important for kids to have loving close relationships with as many adults as possible.

This I think

I’d give them the most generous interpretation of their offer. I’d assume it’s kindly meant.

Then, I would politely decline explaining that it’s painful and you want to spend every minute with your babies that you can. But I would also add that you have appreciated them for their role in your life and the children’s lives and you hope they will continue to play a close and supportive role in your children’s lives.

You are a single mum now. You can never have too many people in your circle ready to help you in a pinch with the children.

Can I say "well done"? I don't mean that condescendingly or anything. I imagine it would be easy to rip out at an offer which, while well meant, must feel a bit hurtful as things are. I wish you and your family well.

Perfectly understandable OP.
You never know when sickness may strike so having nice in laws that are prepared to help and support you is a blessing.
They are very young so I can well imagine it is going to be a huge change for you.
You MIL probably meant it very kindly, but it is very reasonable for you to thank her but tell her you are struggling with the prospect of not seeing them ad it is, so hope to minimise it.

Stick to your guns, I get it. I’ve been in the same position as you for many years and this would be a hard no from me.

I think you should not agree to this. It is very early in the proceedings of divorce and trying to find a new way of living. Being firm about boundaries and your needs being important.

I would message your STBEXMIL and thank her but establish a pattern that they see their grandchildren during their son's 50%. Be busy, have a plan, don't flat out refuse. You can also just say this to STBEXH - and he can communicate with his family. Be very neutral about it.

Keep your children very close to you during this transition. Guard your role as their mother against potential parental alienation. Perhaps it isn't the case but, from my experience, too much to risk.

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester fair play you are doing your best to be fair while dealing with what is a nightmare. I am 8 years on from marriage break up, I definitely found it took in-laws longer to accept the new reality. When I look back I recognise now it was their fear of loosing our on their grandchildren.

As my children grew older the contact changed between parents and they independently engaged with in-laws so have and sadly had good relationships with them. I hope you and your children experience the same.

I think this is their way of trying to say that they still want to support you despite the divorce. I can see why it's landed badly given the circumstances.

Me and my children's dad are divorced.
His parents enjoy time with them in his watch and mine in mine.
I wouldn't be agreeing to them having them in my time unless it was a special occasion.

I totally understand how difficult this is for you. I could cry on the daily about the time I loose with them whilst they are at their dads. I don't think my heart will ever recover from it.

As time moves on, and so do you both, those boundaries will become more familiar.

Sending you love ❤️