Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

[RunNo]

Looking for others thoughts.
I have 3 children 22, 20 and 18 and my husband has a daughter who is 23. I’ve been divorced from my children’s dad for 8 years and we rarely communicate.

At the weekend my partners sister had come
to visit from France, her 3 children also visited they are 24, 22 and 19.

On Saturday night we all went out for dinner all the “kids” went for drinks after then back to my partners daughters flat. Along with 2 of her friends and her 29 year old boyfriend, this upped the average age quite a bit.

Turns out they all ended up sitting around smoking weed, listening to music etc. On Sunday my 18 year old told me, he’s quite a young 18, only just finished his A-levels etc. He told me it made him uncomfortable and everyone was doing it apart from him and my 20 year old.

I mentioned to my partner and he gave me a look as though to say “and what?”. I’ve noticed this with a lot of things really with him. I suggested he maybe mention to his daughter that some of the younger ones with them weren’t comfortable and maybe in the future if they are there, she shouldn’t engage in the use of illegal drugs! He more or less said “be glad it was only weed” then said he wouldn’t say anything as they were all adults and my kids could have left if they weren’t comfortable. For context she lives in Zone 1 central London, my kids have grown up in rural Berkshire. Yes the night tube was on so they could have easily got to my partners (we don’t live together yet) but I don’t think they knew how or had the confidence to leave. The demographic of my kids vs everyone else is quite different. He is incredibly well off , his daughter was gifted several properties worth over a million pounds at 18 and could easily live off the rental income of them, she doesn’t she has a job but she absolutely could. I think the use of drugs (especially weed and cocaine) is a lot more common in her well off trust fund babies of central London than in my kids state school rural Berkshire circles!

Either way my kids have now told their dad and he has said to me that the kids have told him they don't want to spend time with partners daughter or niece/nephews again. They are also saying they won’t be coming on holiday to France with us in July. I’ve spoke to my kids and they have said they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable.

Now I feel stuck. I don’t think it’s a massive deal, but I understand my kids were uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to talk to my partners daughter as we aren’t close. My partner refuses to as he thinks my kids are being childish and it’s “just weed”. My kids don’t want to talk to her themselves or hang out with her again.

So AIBU to think

1. Using weed isn’t a big deal and both my ex and my kids are being dramatic
2. Even if it isn’t a big deal my kids feeling uncomfortable needs to be dealt with so we can work as a family
3. To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

Or is it actually a big deal and we are being too relaxed about it, it is illegal after all!

Or not a deal at all and my kids just need to grow up and stop being immature

I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle and between my kids and my partner right now

I think his DD sounds like an irresponsible arsehole and your partner is minimising it.

No none of this is ok in front of adolescents.

Interesting maybe I’m playing it down then. How would you handle it if he refuses to talk to his daughter and just doesn’t think weed is a big deal at all?

I'm surprised that your kids haven't come across it before TBH. Doesn't sound like they were pressed into smoking it themselves so not really a big deal.

It's not a big deal to many people. It is a big deal to your children.

Your children spoke to their father because thy didn't feel you were resolving their problem. Good for them, quite frankly, for not accepting a situation that made them uncomfortable and for not being lead by peer pressure.

I agree they shouldn't have to come to France on holiday to spend time with someone they aren't comfortable spending time around.

Your partner is entitled to be OK with his DD and niece's weed use. That's an issue for him and them. You are entitled to protect your children - even when they are technically adults - from situations they aren't feeling safe with.

Of course it is a big deal. They will all lower their IQs permanently taking that stuff at that age, they are putting themselves (and your children at risk of a police record, which could totally stuff up their careers and future travel plans) they are throwing money at organised crime, and supporting human trafficking and child slavery

as well as forcing your DC into a situation they hate, and are right to hate

Your adult children are being idiots.
Are they not keen on your partner? Perhaps not keen on you moving in?

Demanding someone tell him daughter that they felt "uncomfortable" otherwise they refuse to go on holiday is incredibly precious for some adults, rurally raised or not.

They could have left. They could have used their words and said something - but it would have been less idiotic to just leave.

I suspect they

1. Want to undermine your relationship by pushing a wedge between you and your partner
2. Are overly keen for their parents to see them as very well behaved angels which suggests they might be hiding something else.

Loads of rural kids take drugs. There is nothing else to do. The idea that the Bad City Girl is leading Innocent Rural Youth astray is probably nonsense

Why would they have come across it before? Most people keep away from crap like this

when i started reading this i thought she was going to mention teenagers, 13/14 years old..

i don't agree with drugs, but i'm not so blinkered that i don't know they are out there and weed nowadays seems to be normal.

these are actually adults, making adult decisions.. and it doesnt seem that they pressed any on your younger children.

accept your younger childrens decision that they dont want to spend time with their older brothers and sisters and move on

Have your children led a very sheltered life? We live out in a rural area and weed is very commonplace. As is coke to be honest. I don't smoke it but would not be bothered by anyone else who does.

At 18 and 20 I'm surprised at your kids reaction to be honest.

you are not bothered by people supporting an industry which enslaves thousands across the UK, mostly children?

Oh gosh ok.

I was under the impression from both my eldest and my own uni experience than weed use is pretty standard. Not in that the majority will participate but that the majority will come across it.
While I don’t support it, I’m also not against it (especially considering it’s now legal in many places). Obviously I don’t want my kids to do it or feel forced to.

It does worry me though that my kids didn’t feel able to leave or speak up themselves and have instead ran to their parents (both parents). What will my 18 year old do at uni next year?

My adult kids wouldn’t be around anyone using drugs. They think it’s sad. Yanbu

Before 25 it can be especially harmful to brain development.

My kids aren’t massively social.

22 year old went to uni but lived at home the whole time, didn’t really get out much - though did use weed at the weekend with the others and thinks everyone is being a tad dramatic.

20 year old again has gone to uni but lives at home similarly doesn’t go out much. Happiest at home.

Youngest is definitely a young 18, never drank, never breaks a rule, can come across quite immature (won’t walk to the train alone etc.)

So they have told you and your ex their boundaries now what are you going to do about it?

I mean, it's been pointed out already that they could have left or told them they weren't comfortable, for them to pull out of a planned holiday though is a bit childish.

Whether a person is ok with weed or not is such a personal thing. Your kids are not and that's fine.

But I'm pretty gobsmacked at how much you baby them.

they were all adults and my kids could have left if they weren’t comfortable. For context she lives in Zone 1 central London, my kids have grown up in rural Berkshire. Yes the night tube was on so they could have easily got to my partners (we don’t live together yet) but I don’t think they knew how or had the confidence to leave.

They are adults and they'll have phones that will tell them exactly how to get from A to B.

They needed no 'confidence' to simply stand up, yawn and say 'well we're going to head off now'.

I don't think anyone's really wrong here although some MNetters will insist they are because 'illegal'.

It’s just grim and fucking stinks, you and yours are not unreasonable.

i think they need to work on being able to extricate themselves from situations they feel uncomfortable with. I’ve spoken to mine about code words to text and I will bail them out with a shit excuse to come home and I won’t ask them if it’s used.
it’s never been tested yet though.
i can see with yours though it’s more complicated as it’s family, it’s a really blurred line where you can’t just cut those people off easily like you would friendships. I think they are entirely reasonable not wanting to be around someone who makes them feel uncomfortable.

Well I could tell them to be adults and handle this one on their own frankly, instead I’ve tried to encourage my partner to speak to his daughter, he thinks all of this is not our problem.
They have her number and can tell her themselves or they could have left.

I see both points. I won’t speak to his daughter, that just seems wrong to me. My youngests first choice for uni is away from home so I think some growing up has to happen. Equally I do wish my partner would just say something to keep the peace.

There are long term mental health problems which are linked to smoking weed, particularly in young people. I’d be unhappy about it, but essentially if everyone is an adult they can make their own decisions. You can choose not to be happy with those decisions but you can’t control them.

Google “County Lines”, educate yourself and then come back and tell us it’s harmless.

Grim.

Why is it childish?
as adults you wouldn’t want to be somewhere you feel uncomfortable, so they are removing themselves from that situation.

What will my 18 year old do at uni next year?

Exactly this. Surely he isn’t planning on demanding you talk to the parents of the majority of university students because whilst not all of them will take drugs, it’s more likely than not that he will find something about the majority that makes him feel uncomfortable. Take this as a good opportunity to teach him how to deal with situations where he isn’t confident or happy, and wants to leave.

I also think many rural children have far more drugs than those in the cities due to less to do as entertainment.