Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

[RunNo]

Looking for others thoughts.
I have 3 children 22, 20 and 18 and my husband has a daughter who is 23. I’ve been divorced from my children’s dad for 8 years and we rarely communicate.

At the weekend my partners sister had come
to visit from France, her 3 children also visited they are 24, 22 and 19.

On Saturday night we all went out for dinner all the “kids” went for drinks after then back to my partners daughters flat. Along with 2 of her friends and her 29 year old boyfriend, this upped the average age quite a bit.

Turns out they all ended up sitting around smoking weed, listening to music etc. On Sunday my 18 year old told me, he’s quite a young 18, only just finished his A-levels etc. He told me it made him uncomfortable and everyone was doing it apart from him and my 20 year old.

I mentioned to my partner and he gave me a look as though to say “and what?”. I’ve noticed this with a lot of things really with him. I suggested he maybe mention to his daughter that some of the younger ones with them weren’t comfortable and maybe in the future if they are there, she shouldn’t engage in the use of illegal drugs! He more or less said “be glad it was only weed” then said he wouldn’t say anything as they were all adults and my kids could have left if they weren’t comfortable. For context she lives in Zone 1 central London, my kids have grown up in rural Berkshire. Yes the night tube was on so they could have easily got to my partners (we don’t live together yet) but I don’t think they knew how or had the confidence to leave. The demographic of my kids vs everyone else is quite different. He is incredibly well off , his daughter was gifted several properties worth over a million pounds at 18 and could easily live off the rental income of them, she doesn’t she has a job but she absolutely could. I think the use of drugs (especially weed and cocaine) is a lot more common in her well off trust fund babies of central London than in my kids state school rural Berkshire circles!

Either way my kids have now told their dad and he has said to me that the kids have told him they don't want to spend time with partners daughter or niece/nephews again. They are also saying they won’t be coming on holiday to France with us in July. I’ve spoke to my kids and they have said they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable.

Now I feel stuck. I don’t think it’s a massive deal, but I understand my kids were uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to talk to my partners daughter as we aren’t close. My partner refuses to as he thinks my kids are being childish and it’s “just weed”. My kids don’t want to talk to her themselves or hang out with her again.

So AIBU to think

1. Using weed isn’t a big deal and both my ex and my kids are being dramatic
2. Even if it isn’t a big deal my kids feeling uncomfortable needs to be dealt with so we can work as a family
3. To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

Or is it actually a big deal and we are being too relaxed about it, it is illegal after all!

Or not a deal at all and my kids just need to grow up and stop being immature

I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle and between my kids and my partner right now

They don’t want to be around it for however many weeks so aren’t going. I think it’s sensible.
whilst you can’t avoid it in the street, if they don’t want to be around people that use it they don’t have to be.

But they aren’t comfortable. You were, they weren’t, you aren’t them

There is nothing saying she will smoke weed on holiday. We’ve been on holiday 2 times as a family before and she hasn’t. I’m not sure why they think she will.
Her dad is clear she can’t do it in his house, the house in France is his so she will have to go elsewhere if she wants to and my kids can easily just not go.

They want to come, they just won’t unless someone says something to her.

Honestly? I’d put my kids first. I wouldn’t put them in a situation where they had to spend any time with her - she wouldn’t be in my house or at social events at all and I definitely wouldn’t be going on holiday with her. And I’d ditch my partner for not having the balls to talk to his own child. But that’s just me.

Remember; just because you think she’s nice doesn’t mean she IS nice. You’d kids have likely seen a different side of her if they’re too scared to talk to her.

This isn’t unique to her though my kids are honestly very weak, they get daddy to do everything and frankly I think if they could they’d get him to call her and give her a telling off!!
Part of the reason my ex and I split was because he pandered to our kids.

She smokes weed a few times a year? I won’t end my otherwise happy relationship over that. Sometimes it’s ok to acknowledge that adult children are being unreasonable.
They aren’t forced to be part of it. They have said that themselves.

my kids are honestly very weak,

Gods what a horrible thing to say about your own kids.

Do you always laugh at people who had different experiences than yourself? My experience was of people who dropped out of college and uni because all they wanted to do was smoke weed.

And smoking weed in one’s 50s is childish and pathetic imo. There are people in those types of jobs who are functioning cocaine addicts too.

My initial response is your children are adults and can not control or demand anything of any other adult. This is a life lesson, a learning curve, as the only thing they can do is manage themselves. Good on them for not feeling like they should try it (and I'm glad that they didn't feel pressured by the others that were that, it shows a level of respect from the other adults there). So if they were uncomfortable they should have left. That was the time to call for support from you or their dad to get them safely home, but with phones today I don't understand why they couldn't have made it home safely.

At uni they can't go running to you or dad.

I say this being an art student a long time ago, everyone was taking something. It wasn't for me, but I didn't dictate what other adults did with their time or money. If I felt uncomfortable I left, and kept myself away from anyone that wasn't my scene.

You’re being very passive here. I would have hit the roof. I would not go on holiday with people doing drugs. I refused to go to a party years ago when DH suggested there might be weed. Put your DC first and keep them away from this crap.

A lot of decent people take drugs recreationally.
Just like a lot go down the pub and have a few drinks.

But if I go to a party and I don’t want to drink alcohol I can have a Diet Coke or a glass of water. If I’m indoors with heavy weed smoking I will get stoned whether I want to or not.

We’ve been on holiday as a family several times before - no drugs. Why would I assume this time would be different?

No they don’t.

My glass of doesn’t reach me via the exploitation of vulnerable people and a whole host of criminal activity.

Recreational drug use is incompatible with being a decent person, in my book.

I'm totally against it. I have 17/18 and 29 year old step kids and I would be very vocal about them not doing it. (Touch wood it's not a problem ) my friend has a 17/19 year old and she happily lets them both smoke as long as it's not in the house.

We disagree and can't see each other other view points at all.

Rural life- says it all why your kids are doing coke and you are fine with it!

And it is a lot harder leaving a house with step siblings than it would be walking away from a uni party. They obviously don’t know that you would support them doing so - because you don’t know yourself whether you do or not.

Because now you know that they use drugs and your partner is ok with that.

I think using weed is a big deal.

Funding the lifestyles of criminal gangs and funding criminal activity in my area such as sex slavery and people trafficking is a big deal.

The deaths and misery that result from the drugs trade us a big deal.

Your children's feelings matter.

Your partner is either lacking in empathy or understanding or guts or all of the above.

"Don't smoke weed around the two youngest" isn't a huge ask is it?

They know I’d support them leaving at anytime. In fact I was shocked they wanted to go. Partners daughter said very causally
“We (cousins and her partner) are going back to mine if you want to come with us”
and they all wanted to go. No one made them, I was expecting a message asking for an Uber before 1am.

OK this one really made me laugh 😂

I’ve known she occasionally smokes weed for a while. So does my boss and my neighbour - I haven’t cut them out of my life as I don’t think it’s the end of the world!

That’s not what my kids want though they want her to be “told off” (direct quote I have the text still). Partner thinks they can say to her themselves to not smoke around them as they are adults and while I thinks he should do it to keep the peace I actually agree with him on principle.

Your kids sound like they need a kick up the bum... honestly.

If they don't want to tell her they don't like it, fine, they can choose not to be around her when she smokes weed. I doubt she is following them around, trying to lure them into her 'druggie' lifestyle!

If they are willing to miss out on a nice holiday, because someone on that holiday may do something they do not like, somewhere they do not have to be (ie out of the house)... more fool them!

YANBU - and that comes as a rather tolerant parent (I'd rather I know what DCs are up to and being able to monitor it).

Three, without a doubt, and probably 2 as well.

(Sorry auto formatting messing with numbers)

Your DCs do however need to learn to say "I'm uncomfortable with that" if it is important, just as DNs need to learn to respect the boundaries of others.

It's just weed, not a big deal. Your kids on the other hand need to grow up a bit, if they're not comfortable in a situation they should speak up or leave. Why are they being so dramatic over a bit of weed that they weren't even pressured into trying?