Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

[RunNo]

Looking for others thoughts.
I have 3 children 22, 20 and 18 and my husband has a daughter who is 23. I’ve been divorced from my children’s dad for 8 years and we rarely communicate.

At the weekend my partners sister had come
to visit from France, her 3 children also visited they are 24, 22 and 19.

On Saturday night we all went out for dinner all the “kids” went for drinks after then back to my partners daughters flat. Along with 2 of her friends and her 29 year old boyfriend, this upped the average age quite a bit.

Turns out they all ended up sitting around smoking weed, listening to music etc. On Sunday my 18 year old told me, he’s quite a young 18, only just finished his A-levels etc. He told me it made him uncomfortable and everyone was doing it apart from him and my 20 year old.

I mentioned to my partner and he gave me a look as though to say “and what?”. I’ve noticed this with a lot of things really with him. I suggested he maybe mention to his daughter that some of the younger ones with them weren’t comfortable and maybe in the future if they are there, she shouldn’t engage in the use of illegal drugs! He more or less said “be glad it was only weed” then said he wouldn’t say anything as they were all adults and my kids could have left if they weren’t comfortable. For context she lives in Zone 1 central London, my kids have grown up in rural Berkshire. Yes the night tube was on so they could have easily got to my partners (we don’t live together yet) but I don’t think they knew how or had the confidence to leave. The demographic of my kids vs everyone else is quite different. He is incredibly well off , his daughter was gifted several properties worth over a million pounds at 18 and could easily live off the rental income of them, she doesn’t she has a job but she absolutely could. I think the use of drugs (especially weed and cocaine) is a lot more common in her well off trust fund babies of central London than in my kids state school rural Berkshire circles!

Either way my kids have now told their dad and he has said to me that the kids have told him they don't want to spend time with partners daughter or niece/nephews again. They are also saying they won’t be coming on holiday to France with us in July. I’ve spoke to my kids and they have said they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable.

Now I feel stuck. I don’t think it’s a massive deal, but I understand my kids were uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to talk to my partners daughter as we aren’t close. My partner refuses to as he thinks my kids are being childish and it’s “just weed”. My kids don’t want to talk to her themselves or hang out with her again.

So AIBU to think

1. Using weed isn’t a big deal and both my ex and my kids are being dramatic
2. Even if it isn’t a big deal my kids feeling uncomfortable needs to be dealt with so we can work as a family
3. To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

Or is it actually a big deal and we are being too relaxed about it, it is illegal after all!

Or not a deal at all and my kids just need to grow up and stop being immature

I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle and between my kids and my partner right now

Everyone present was an adult and it was her flat.

However if your son is not comfortable with it he shouldn’t have to be around it either. As an adult he can make that choice too.

It is a big deal. Inciting someone to take weed should have the same criminal consequences as inciting someone to view explicit material. I say this based on my experience of witnessing teenagers degenerate beyond repair and recognition after only a few weeks of weed smoking. The human brain is still developing into the mid to late 20s and weed destroys it. Rather than having future generations that can never legally smoke, weed should be abolished.

What utter rubbish.

You have no idea, do you?

Weed smoking is incredibly popular with younger people, especially since the price of alcohol in pubs is ridiculous.

I’m not saying it’s harmless.

What I am saying is my opinion has no impact on what other adults do. If it were my kids I’d express my concerns but it isn’t my place with someone else’s, especially not as she is an adult.

He’s not unreasonable to not want to talk to a 29 year old about this.

The weed of today is a lot more stronger than the stuff we smoked in our youth. There’s a big correlation between mental health issues and weed use and your kids are not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable when people smoke it in their company. Not all teens are interested in drugs and that’s absolutely fine.

You need a chat on how they can get out of that situation in future. Did they feel awkward about making excuses to leave ? Were they scared to take a train at night ?

I am surprised that your kids have never been exposed to drugs. Have neither been to uni or left rural Berkshire ? IME weed use is far more common in rural places because there’s more places to smoke it in private and there’s less to do instead.

Your kids weren’t unreasonable to involve their dad when they felt that you hadn’t acted in their interest. It’s tricky for you but it is what it is

I believe there’s some evidence to suggest that if you are going to smoke cannabis you should avoid before the age of 25, due to the way it affects the brain. Irrelevant however.

I just think it's a bit childish to not go on holiday because somebody may be smoking weed, even if the others in the group aren't there may still be weed smoking people around - they can't avoid it forever

To answer some questions

• Short of asking my partner to speak to his daughter I’m not sure what my kids expect me to do, partners daughter is 23 her boyfriend is 29 so they dont have to talk to someone a lot older
• I’m not saying I agree with weed use, I don’t but I also know it happens and I can’t control what other adults do
• Partners daughter isn’t someone who uses weed regularly as far as we know, maybe a couple of times a year. She is smart, has a great job in finance etc.
• My kids are sheltered, they aren’t the type to go out with friends none of them have had a girlfriend/boyfriend, eldest 2 stayed home for uni etc.

I’m not saying weed is fine as clearly it has its issues. But saying that, they’re all adults and should be able to say something or leave if they feel uncomfortable.

Absolutely loads of people smoke weed across all ages, classes, geographic areas…. they need to work out how to manage these situations.

tbh I’m quite surprised that adults would expect their parents to get involved in this!

Your kids are gonna have a real hard time going forward with uni, etc if they do continue to snitch, moan and involve their dad in everything.

They went to a party, they didn’t want to smoke weed so they didn’t smoke weed, everyone took part in whatever they wanted and felt comfortable with, surely that’s the end of the story.

Why has your son got to take it further and start trying to impose his values on everyone else? Because it made him uncomfortable? Life is uncomfortable, he will encounter so many uncomfortable situations throughout it, learning to live and let live, while maintaining your own values is a valuable life skill.

If you’d told me they were all smoking crack or heroin I’d feel a bit more sympathetic, but weed, it grows out of the ground, it should have the same status as alcohol in my eyes.

Honestly I’m surprised that your 18 and 20 year olds have reacted this way to weed (you did say it was just weed that night, right, not cocaine too?) as they must know people in their circles who smoke/have smoked. If you’re that rural there’s probably bugger all else to do for some other than to get stoned.

I also think they’re being massively unreasonable to make such a big thing out of this to the point this affects their mother’s relationship. They’re actual adults. They didn’t partake, there’s no mention of anyone pressuring them to and I’ve never met any adult who does smoke peer pressuring others into smoking. I don’t smoke btw never have.

If they had upped and left the flat (either stating why or not) and gone home and then politely stated that they would not be going on holiday to France, then that would be a bit priggish but fine. Their boundaries and drugs certainly aren't a Good Thing.

However these adults have run to their dad, told on the Bad Girl to him, and are playing their parents off each other by now requiring you to make your partner tell her off and tell her they felt "uncomfortable" by using the emotional blackmail of not going on holiday unless you do.

It's pretty childish....

Why have your children failed to fledge and not left home, had relationships or in one case been able to go to the train station independently?

No cocaine, I checked with my kids, just weed.

Neither of my youngest 2 smoked, I asked if they felt pressured to, they said no but still felt uncomfortable.
I told them they should have left, DS said “but we’d have had to go right into central and it was late”. I said if they had messaged I’d have sorted them an Uber.

My kids really never go out with friends, infact I’m not even sure my 18 year old has any. He’s happiest in his own company.

Being a drug addict is not ok. If your partner’s DD is a drug addict then I’d be making efforts to keep her away from your kids. Ditto with the cousins if they’re also druggies.

Your kids can deal with drug addicted peers themselves by avoiding them, but they can’t avoid their cousins and step sister if you invite them to your home. That’s for you to sort out; stop inviting them. Tbh it sounds like the step sister also uses hard drugs as well, and you definitely don’t want your kids exposed to that!

I told them they should have left, DS said “but we’d have had to go right into central and it was late”. I said if they had messaged I’d have sorted them an Uber.

Again with the babying, why couldn't they sort their own Uber? 😳

Oh for goodness sake - she is not a drug addict nor are the cousins!!

Using weed occasionally doesn’t make someone an addict!! How bloody ridiculous!

DS claims they had no money, odd as they always have money, but that’s his claim.

I'm confused.

Where do drug addicts come into this?

It is entirely circumstantial.

are they someplace where it is legal?

are they exposing non-smokers to second hand smoke?

if it’s legal and everyone consuming anything in any way fully consents, then it’s not an issue if it’s occasional and moderate. No different than alcohol. Though smoking isn’t ideal because it can still cause lung issues so other methods of ingestion should be explored.

They are all adults. Not really sure why you are getting involved.

You’ve said she uses illegal drugs. Therefore she is a druggie and so are the cousins. You don’t want your kids around people like that.

Also your partner said you should be grateful it was only weed, which implies she sometimes uses harder drugs.

I don’t want to be!! But they have gone running to my ex which forces me to be involved or lose them effectively.
This happens a lot - they run to their dad and then I have to bend over backwards pleasing them or all I get is “well im just going to move in with dad and never visit then”

Stop being bloody dramatic - she smokes weed a couple of times a year she is absolutely not an addict.
Apparently she used coke a couple of times
at uni.

Stop twisting my words and blowing the situation out of proportion when you know none of the people involved.

Get an actual grip on yourself 🤣

What we know for a fact is that this adult woman smoked some cannabis on one occasion, in her own flat, with her own friends/partner/cousins. She’s hardly a drug addict.

So she has a history of hard drug use and she still uses illegal drugs now. Sorry but this is why your kids dad is upset, because you seem to think it’s ok for them to be around drug users. How often she uses illegal drugs is completely irrelevant - she’s a drug user, and decent people don’t want to be around people like that.