Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

[RunNo]

Looking for others thoughts.
I have 3 children 22, 20 and 18 and my husband has a daughter who is 23. I’ve been divorced from my children’s dad for 8 years and we rarely communicate.

At the weekend my partners sister had come
to visit from France, her 3 children also visited they are 24, 22 and 19.

On Saturday night we all went out for dinner all the “kids” went for drinks after then back to my partners daughters flat. Along with 2 of her friends and her 29 year old boyfriend, this upped the average age quite a bit.

Turns out they all ended up sitting around smoking weed, listening to music etc. On Sunday my 18 year old told me, he’s quite a young 18, only just finished his A-levels etc. He told me it made him uncomfortable and everyone was doing it apart from him and my 20 year old.

I mentioned to my partner and he gave me a look as though to say “and what?”. I’ve noticed this with a lot of things really with him. I suggested he maybe mention to his daughter that some of the younger ones with them weren’t comfortable and maybe in the future if they are there, she shouldn’t engage in the use of illegal drugs! He more or less said “be glad it was only weed” then said he wouldn’t say anything as they were all adults and my kids could have left if they weren’t comfortable. For context she lives in Zone 1 central London, my kids have grown up in rural Berkshire. Yes the night tube was on so they could have easily got to my partners (we don’t live together yet) but I don’t think they knew how or had the confidence to leave. The demographic of my kids vs everyone else is quite different. He is incredibly well off , his daughter was gifted several properties worth over a million pounds at 18 and could easily live off the rental income of them, she doesn’t she has a job but she absolutely could. I think the use of drugs (especially weed and cocaine) is a lot more common in her well off trust fund babies of central London than in my kids state school rural Berkshire circles!

Either way my kids have now told their dad and he has said to me that the kids have told him they don't want to spend time with partners daughter or niece/nephews again. They are also saying they won’t be coming on holiday to France with us in July. I’ve spoke to my kids and they have said they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable.

Now I feel stuck. I don’t think it’s a massive deal, but I understand my kids were uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to talk to my partners daughter as we aren’t close. My partner refuses to as he thinks my kids are being childish and it’s “just weed”. My kids don’t want to talk to her themselves or hang out with her again.

So AIBU to think

1. Using weed isn’t a big deal and both my ex and my kids are being dramatic
2. Even if it isn’t a big deal my kids feeling uncomfortable needs to be dealt with so we can work as a family
3. To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

Or is it actually a big deal and we are being too relaxed about it, it is illegal after all!

Or not a deal at all and my kids just need to grow up and stop being immature

I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle and between my kids and my partner right now

I think I’d consider just not reacting or doing anything, let their outrage fizzle out and I’m sure they’ll forget all about it, and will be coming on holiday no problems.

Comes across as a bit precious and goody two shoes.

Even if they do not want to do drugs themselves it is almost inconceivable that they aren't going to get exposed to them at some point in the future.

They need to be able to handle that other people are going to do stuff they might not like. And if so all they need to do is not partake instead of running back to the parents shocked.

I'd probably let them go off to their Dads and welcome the opportunity to chill.

Mmm..

Biased, I do sometimes use weed (edibles, perhaps once or twice every few months)...

Occasional social use, in the setting you describe ie all chatting, listening to music, relaxing... I think is every bit as acceptable as the same activities whilst drinking alcohol (ie, not entirely problem free but not any sort of major scandal either).

Dependent use, ie people who smoke alone, have to smoke first thing in the morning, have to smoke every day or very regularly, who pressure others into doing same.. thats a problem.

Your kids are pretty much adults now. If they're uncomfortable with what others around them are doing they can speak up, and they can leave. If they can't figure out how to do either, then perhaps you need to offer more guidance, but it is still for them to do, not for you to manage on their behalf.

This is one of the things you learn as a grown-up, being able to say 'no i don't want to get shitfaced on Metaxa and vomit my guts up in your back yard thanks' and 'if you lot are taking coke, I am going home, k bai!'..

Not 'Mummy, will you tell so and so to not do x around me, I don't like it...'

Sorry but … grow up

I work with CEOs, Doctors, Teachers etc. who have used drugs in their past, you can’t avoid them, stop being so silly.

I hate weed - it stinks and it isn't good for you, but I do also think your kids were being a bit precious. No one put pressure on them to do anything they weren't happy with and they weren't forced to stay.
I think I agree with your dh that it would not be right for him to have a word with his daughter. She is also an adult and was in her own home.
They are throwing the baby out with the bath water if they refuse to go on holiday because someone did something they don't like. I'd agree that they shouldn't go out socialising (outside of family occasions) with their step sister and cousin, if they don't enjoy the same recreational activities, but refusing the holiday altogether is a bit silly imo. But it's their decision, obviously, because they are grown ups!

I think I'd have a word with my own kids about resilience in the world - that they have led an unusually sheltered life and they are likely to come across drug use. Weed is legal in lots of places, so it's something that has a level of societal acceptance, which they will have to adjust to realistically.
I do agree with them that it's gross, but in life they have to accept that other adults do things differently and you can't really tell them not to!

It’s easier said than done because obviously you love your children but maybe you need to call their bluff on this one? And your ex’s. “Well you’re adults now so it’s up to you if you want to move in with your dad. Just know you always have a home with me”. And let them decide what they do.

I think you’re being totally reasonable here btw. As is your partner. If my dad had “told me off” about my lifestyle at the age his daughter is, I’d tell him to piss off and stop being daft.

And “druggie” my arse 🤣

I think you’ll find there’s a lot more people who don’t want to be around incredibly naive and sheltered 18 year olds who snitch and manipulate, have no friends and can’t order an Uber.

If you didn’t want an honest answer then why ask? I totally agree with your kids dad - decent people don’t associate with drug users, and you shouldn’t be exposing your kids to that in their home where they can’t choose to avoid the drug user.

The one pointing the finger isn’t always as pure as the driven snow.
Sometimes a “kid” might be trying to cover up a misdeed of their own by getting their own story in first.
Much like in murder investigations when the murderer themselves alerts a crime to the police or pretends to be helping in some way.

Is there any history or tension between the two?

Only you know the previous characters of those involved.
The best predictor of future actions are past actions. Compare the two, that might bring you closer to your answer.

I personally never make decisions, especially important ones, having heard only one side of a story.

Not harmless to smoke it. Not harmless to smoke it in front of people who don’t want to smoke it and are made uncomfortable by the situation. People who are exposed to secondhand marijuana smoke can have detectable levels of THC (tetrahydrocannabinol) in their blood and urine. Marijuana also can be contaminated with mold, insecticides or other chemicals that may be released in secondhand smoke.

YADNBU

I think in some circles drug use is normalised but it is a big thing. Apart from supporting the criminal underworld or murderers, slavers and people traffickers that sustain the trade, the drugs themselves are harmful and addictive and it is a criminal activity.

I would, however, speak to your children about having the confidence to leave any situation they are uncomfortable in. Maybe set them up a Uber account so they can get a taxi to your partners? This won’t be the last time they will find themselves in an uncomfortable situation and they must feel able to leave. One way to help with this is to up an agreed phrase where they can text you and you will call with some story as to why they must come home now! Aunty Betty has been rushed to hospital or whatever, so they feel able to leave.

They weren’t at the OP’s home, they were guests of their stepsister in her own home.

Decent people of all kinds take drugs or associate with people who take drugs.

For the benefit of the thread could you clarify on the other markers of “decency” in your belief system? Do decent people have casual sex? Do decent people have abortions? Do decent people drink alcohol? Do decent people occasionally find a fiver on the floor and decide to keep it?

Totally irresponsible parenting to condone and normalise your adult kids' weed smoking. In my opinion, it's a form of parental neglect.

Just seen your post about them running to their dad and threatening to leave you/move in with him. Honestly, I think you should let them - call their bluff! Dad is Mr Wonderful because he doesn't actually have to do anything (apart from criticise you and enable your kids to be manipulative). Maybe let them see how it is if they live with him full time.
They need to grow up a bit - the poster upthread is right when she says they won't have friends if they think everyone should bend to their will.

You might have a nicer holiday if they don't come

They are adults, how is it parental neglect?

I don’t think weed is the issue here. I’d let them go and live with him.

I wouldn’t want my kids around weed. Some people are quite relaxed about it but ime it causes serious problems and I hate the stuff. Given the ages though, I think your kids should be able to spend time with your partners daughter as long as she doesn’t smoke it around them (or you if you don’t like it). They don’t have to hang out with her as such and now they know in future it’s probably not a good idea.
And they should be able to tell her that themselves really but if not, you or your partner will have to I suppose.
I think it’s great they are the way they are about it. Thankfully you didn’t find out they all got high together instead. It wouldn’t be the end of the world of course if they did (just as it’s not that your partner’s daughter does) but it’s so much better that they don’t and that they felt they could talk to you about it. I’d be really relieved about that. But they’re going to be in these kind of situations sometimes and they really do need to work out how to deal with it themselves.

I think 3. Being around someone smoking weed isn't a neutral thing that people should have to live and let live about. It stinks for one thing and if you have to be in a room with it can make you feel dizzy and ill. If you'd have posted they didn't want to go on holiday with someone who smoked cigarettes around them, then people would probably have been a lot more understanding. Unfortunately there's this conceit that we all have to be ok about weed and anyone who isn't is uptight and judgy. When actually it's pretty anti social if you don't like it, and your DC have a right to their views.

You never been to a social event where people smoke it. My 20 year old isn't into it at all but many of his college and uni friends are.

He's currently in Thailand with me. Weed shops every few yards. He isn't bothered by their presence but doesn't use them

You can still be a neglectful parent to adults. And at 18 you are BARELY an adult. I don't believe for a minute the kid's weed smoking started at precisely 18. It rarely does.

I would be more concerned about your adult children trying to manipulate you via your ex personally.

For me it’s no big deal. They are all over 18. If they are old enough to vote, fight in the army, drink alcohol, get married, and have a credit card then I don’t see why weed when socializing would be an issue. It doesn’t automatically lead to addiction in the same way as a glass of wine when socializing doesn’t automatically lead to alcohol dependency.

I live in the US where recreational weed is legal. Far more damage is caused by alcohol (in terms of health issues, violence, car accidents, etc) than weed has ever caused. I’m not saying it doesn’t do any harm at all, I just don’t understand how people can be so accepting of an occasional drink of wine, but so against the idea of an occasional bit of weed.

Decent people of all kinds take drugs

’Decent people’ don’t prop up murderers, sex traffickers, gangs…. A lot of people might turn a blind eye to what they are financing but they are not decent people for doing so.

Thing is the one who smokes the weed probably isn't going to want to have anything to do with the ones who take massive aversion to it anyway now this has all kicked off.

I mean even if the father did tell her not to do it it on the future holiday would probably go down like a bucket of cold sick and she would probably ignore him anyway.

Clearly if it offends them that much they are better off doing their activities separately.

The “kid” is a 23 year old adult woman with a career in finance and an apartment in Zone 1. Even if she had her first bong age 3 she’s done okay for herself thus far.

The stepsister and cannabis are two great big red herrings here. The real issues is the OP’s kids social incompetence and their fathers weaponisation of normal teenage experiences (not the smoking weed, but being in the presence of people who are, and how to navigate that).