Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

[RunNo]

Looking for others thoughts.
I have 3 children 22, 20 and 18 and my husband has a daughter who is 23. I’ve been divorced from my children’s dad for 8 years and we rarely communicate.

At the weekend my partners sister had come
to visit from France, her 3 children also visited they are 24, 22 and 19.

On Saturday night we all went out for dinner all the “kids” went for drinks after then back to my partners daughters flat. Along with 2 of her friends and her 29 year old boyfriend, this upped the average age quite a bit.

Turns out they all ended up sitting around smoking weed, listening to music etc. On Sunday my 18 year old told me, he’s quite a young 18, only just finished his A-levels etc. He told me it made him uncomfortable and everyone was doing it apart from him and my 20 year old.

I mentioned to my partner and he gave me a look as though to say “and what?”. I’ve noticed this with a lot of things really with him. I suggested he maybe mention to his daughter that some of the younger ones with them weren’t comfortable and maybe in the future if they are there, she shouldn’t engage in the use of illegal drugs! He more or less said “be glad it was only weed” then said he wouldn’t say anything as they were all adults and my kids could have left if they weren’t comfortable. For context she lives in Zone 1 central London, my kids have grown up in rural Berkshire. Yes the night tube was on so they could have easily got to my partners (we don’t live together yet) but I don’t think they knew how or had the confidence to leave. The demographic of my kids vs everyone else is quite different. He is incredibly well off , his daughter was gifted several properties worth over a million pounds at 18 and could easily live off the rental income of them, she doesn’t she has a job but she absolutely could. I think the use of drugs (especially weed and cocaine) is a lot more common in her well off trust fund babies of central London than in my kids state school rural Berkshire circles!

Either way my kids have now told their dad and he has said to me that the kids have told him they don't want to spend time with partners daughter or niece/nephews again. They are also saying they won’t be coming on holiday to France with us in July. I’ve spoke to my kids and they have said they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable.

Now I feel stuck. I don’t think it’s a massive deal, but I understand my kids were uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to talk to my partners daughter as we aren’t close. My partner refuses to as he thinks my kids are being childish and it’s “just weed”. My kids don’t want to talk to her themselves or hang out with her again.

So AIBU to think

1. Using weed isn’t a big deal and both my ex and my kids are being dramatic
2. Even if it isn’t a big deal my kids feeling uncomfortable needs to be dealt with so we can work as a family
3. To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

Or is it actually a big deal and we are being too relaxed about it, it is illegal after all!

Or not a deal at all and my kids just need to grow up and stop being immature

I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle and between my kids and my partner right now

So can alcohol yet there's not such an outcry about that

But of course, as others have said, they are over 18 so not much you can do other than dissuade them.

I’ve spoke to my kids and they have said they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable.

@RunNo I would be very concerned if my adult (albeit young adult) offspring couldn't handle a situation like this themselves. This is an extremely immature reaction. They want a grown woman to be given a telling off and want you to administer it. Can't you see that that is ott?

I don't think that young people should be smoking weed. Heavy usage can cause very serious mental illness. However, I think two grown ups should be able to navigate this themselves. I would explain to my "children" that I was proud of them for not bowing to peer pressure and smoking the weed when offered but both them and partners daughter are adults and they should be able to handle situations like this themselves. If they feel uncomfortable in social situations in the future it's up to them to speak up, leave etc.

As for not going on holiday, again this is a really juvenile reaction. But you can't force them. So I'd say "ok, of course I would absolutely love you both to come but you're adults and the choice is yours".

It opens the gate to other drugs

Ahahaha oh the hysteria..

You’ve said she uses illegal drugs. Therefore she is a druggie...

Absolutely. Of course.

In exactly the same way that someone who has the occasional glass of wine is clearly a raving alcoholic...

Get a grip people. If it is possible for some people to use one potentially addictive, potentially harmful drug and yet not be harmed or addicted, then it is possible for some people to use another in exactly the same way.

But what would I know, as someone who uses opiates every single day, and is therefore clearly a druggie.

‘Why is everyone acting like partners daughter is doing this every other day. It’s occasionally, a few times a year in a social setting in her own home.’

because no one knows whether it’s a few times a year….or every weekend, or every day. We only have the OPs word for the frequency, and she only knows what she is being told - by the drug user ( not always the most reliable witness) or the drug user’s father ( even less likely to be critical in both senses of the word.)

Perhaps the OP’s children have enlisted their father’s support because they know that the OP wants to please her new partner and not offend his sophisticated and wealthy daughter by objecting to their drug usage. Don’t let’s rock the new relationship boat, kids.

They're adults, if your DC are uncomfortable they really need to encouraged to speak for themselves at that age. How would they manage if it was someone unknown to you making them uncomfortable. They need the skills to advocate for themselves or they are open to being taken advantage of. This is regardless of any views around weed.
In terms of the drugs, they are used by people from a variety of backgrounds, I'd be very surprised if your DC haven't come across it before so I find the reaction odd, is there something else they don't like about the people who were using drugs or maybe your partner and they want to stir up trouble?
It's great if they don't want to use drugs. It's also no one else's business if another adult uses drugs (unless they are doing it infront of actual children). I think it's unreasonable to expect your partner to challenge this.

The weed is a complete red herring though. The real issue is your two adult children issuing demands and threatening to remove their affection if you don't follow through. Where does that stop? This incident is the perfect time to have a chat about coercive control.

Oh look an open gate... I am now compelled to hurtle through it without a single thought to the consequences and with zero control over my own actions or decisions...

Said no one. Ever.

There are multiple factors involved in drug abuse (as opposed to 'use') and addiction, of which use of 'softer' drugs is just one. There are other far more major factors.

But lets ignore those, because castigating occasional cannabis users as the root of all evil and labelling them junkies and druggies (what is this, a soap opera in the 90's?) is FAR more fun!

It's concerning that some overly dramatic people, spewing hyperbole may be in a position one day when their child needs a sensible conversation about drugs.

I suspect they'd turn anywhere else to have that conversation rather than at home, and that's really not good.

It sounds like you have an opinion on drugs and your sd drug use so why did you post ? If your kids can’t persuade you otherwise then nobody here will be able to do it.

I think that your children being scared to take the train is a bigger issue and perhaps they should have been encouraged to go out of their comfort zone more considering your relaxed attitude. Being anti-drugs isn’t a problem but most people will have had an experience of excusing themselves from uncomfortable situations which your kids should have the confidence to try.

Your kids use the threat of their dad because there is a history of it working 🤷‍♀️ You know their dad better but is it possible that they will go then change their mind again? My kids tried that threat when they were much younger but thought about it and withdrew the threat quickly.

I think you should respect your children's decision about the drugs... and they should be praised!

However, they are adults and should start dealing with situations like this when they are uncomfortable.

1. They should have spoken to your partners daughter at the time and expressed the discomfort of drugs being smoked.

2. They should have make alternative arrangements to get back home

3. In the future they should take care who's house the go to especially if they if uncomfortable again.

4. If they feel strongly about not going to France ... I think it's better they speak to the daughter

Alla this

That’s a tad dramatic 😂

What about those of us that smoked it throughout uni and our 20s?

Our circle of friends includes former potheads (that are still partial in their 50s) who are now consultant surgeons and a couple of lawyers.

Don’t think it sapped their ambition

Apologies if anyone else has said this, but the drugs aren't the real issue here. Your DC playing their parents off against eachother is the issue.

I dont know if i voted right but to me it is a big deal , my ds was smoking weed as a teen no matter what we did to try and stop him , neither his dad or i even smoke but nothing worked to stop him and now in his 20s has serious mental health issues and sufferes from paranoia, weed is not a harmless drug , especially in people whos brain is still developing

I think it’s really sad that your kids are unhappy and your first response seems to be to defend the drug user, not your kids.

Regardless of what people think on here about drugs, not standing by your kids and minimising their upset (particularly when you admit they’re young for their age) is pretty grim and IMO poor parenting.

TBH they probably don’t want to talk to her because, as this thread demonstrates, drug users and drug-user sympathisers are a pretty nasty bunch. They’re probably worried she’ll turn on them. Be a parent to them.

The kids? they are 18 & 20 and are adults.
You've done a poor job if they can't get themselves home and running to daddy to manipulate you, they sound quite nasty and selfish tbf.
I thought they were going to be 13/14.
The hysterics in this thread over weed is mad.

Ok I’ve spoken to my kids and suggested they talk to her themselves. They have said they are too scared to.

I think people have the wrong idea this girl studied at St Andrews, now works for a prestigious private bank in wealth planning. Her boyfriend is in the same industry also working his arse off. She isn’t a weed smoking lazy lay about (could be though as gets plenty from the properties her dad gifted her and is mortgage free).

I don’t agree with smoking weed, I don’t support it. I also don’t think it’s my business what an adult does. She is a nice girl, definitely has a “work hard, party harder” attitude though.

What do you think I should do then?

Having experienced what weed use has done to family members who use, I abhore it. It's not "cool" like many like to try and advertise. It wrecks lives.

Little snitches. Get them to stand up for themselves instead of running to mummy. I was surrounded by weed and other things growing up. I didn't partake and wasn't uncomfortable. They are trying to make an issue.

Quite a few people are saying my kids were right to run to their parents as adults. Fair enough what do you suppose I do?

Tell off another adult who is nothing to do with me for her lifestyle choices around my adult children?
Leave my partner as my kids won’t stand up for themselves and he doesn’t want to tell off his adult daughter?

I wouldn't see it as a big deal and I certainly wouldn't get involved. It might not be ideal for their health but it is very common, particularly in that age range.

You refer to them as 'the kids' but they are adults making their own decisions. Your 18 and 20 year olds weren't comfortable with it and chose not to participate, so it's great that they were able to say no and didn't succumb to peer pressure. If they don't want to see them again that's also up to them, they are adults and they can go on holiday where and when they like, or not.