Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

[RunNo]

Looking for others thoughts.
I have 3 children 22, 20 and 18 and my husband has a daughter who is 23. I’ve been divorced from my children’s dad for 8 years and we rarely communicate.

At the weekend my partners sister had come
to visit from France, her 3 children also visited they are 24, 22 and 19.

On Saturday night we all went out for dinner all the “kids” went for drinks after then back to my partners daughters flat. Along with 2 of her friends and her 29 year old boyfriend, this upped the average age quite a bit.

Turns out they all ended up sitting around smoking weed, listening to music etc. On Sunday my 18 year old told me, he’s quite a young 18, only just finished his A-levels etc. He told me it made him uncomfortable and everyone was doing it apart from him and my 20 year old.

I mentioned to my partner and he gave me a look as though to say “and what?”. I’ve noticed this with a lot of things really with him. I suggested he maybe mention to his daughter that some of the younger ones with them weren’t comfortable and maybe in the future if they are there, she shouldn’t engage in the use of illegal drugs! He more or less said “be glad it was only weed” then said he wouldn’t say anything as they were all adults and my kids could have left if they weren’t comfortable. For context she lives in Zone 1 central London, my kids have grown up in rural Berkshire. Yes the night tube was on so they could have easily got to my partners (we don’t live together yet) but I don’t think they knew how or had the confidence to leave. The demographic of my kids vs everyone else is quite different. He is incredibly well off , his daughter was gifted several properties worth over a million pounds at 18 and could easily live off the rental income of them, she doesn’t she has a job but she absolutely could. I think the use of drugs (especially weed and cocaine) is a lot more common in her well off trust fund babies of central London than in my kids state school rural Berkshire circles!

Either way my kids have now told their dad and he has said to me that the kids have told him they don't want to spend time with partners daughter or niece/nephews again. They are also saying they won’t be coming on holiday to France with us in July. I’ve spoke to my kids and they have said they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable.

Now I feel stuck. I don’t think it’s a massive deal, but I understand my kids were uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to talk to my partners daughter as we aren’t close. My partner refuses to as he thinks my kids are being childish and it’s “just weed”. My kids don’t want to talk to her themselves or hang out with her again.

So AIBU to think

1. Using weed isn’t a big deal and both my ex and my kids are being dramatic
2. Even if it isn’t a big deal my kids feeling uncomfortable needs to be dealt with so we can work as a family
3. To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

Or is it actually a big deal and we are being too relaxed about it, it is illegal after all!

Or not a deal at all and my kids just need to grow up and stop being immature

I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle and between my kids and my partner right now

That’s not what my kids want though they want her to be “told off” (direct quote I have the text still). Partner thinks they can say to her themselves to not smoke around them as they are adults and while I thinks he should do it to keep the peace I actually agree with him on principle.

So are you both going to abdicate responsibility here?

I wouldn't blame your youngest if they called the police.

You actually think we should tell of another adult??

Please tell me what you think that conversation should look like.

Shows how much we can live in different worlds within the (preumed) same country.

For the last 50 years half my various circles of friends have been recreational drug users - and the other half drug-use 'sympathisers'.

Not one of them has been or is nasty.

No, they aren’t decent people. Because they break the law and take illegal drugs.

"...though my kids are honestly very weak, they get daddy to do everything,"

I'll just leave that there. It speaks volumes.

It’s your home, you make the rules no matter how old your guests are. You say what you would say to any other adult:

You’re not allowed to smoke or take drugs in my home. My family and I don’t want to be around drug users, so please don’t use drugs when we are present otherwise we won’t socialise with you any more.

She didn’t do drugs in my home?
Infact she has never in 5 years been to my home!
My kids could have left HER home.

Jesus OP, the weed is completely irrelevant. It's insane that your adult kids are asking you, your partner and your ex to get involved in this total non-issue.

Just drop the rope. Ignore the whole thing. Let the chips fall where they may when it comes to the holiday and anything else. So what if they move in with their dad?

@RunNo

The last line in my previous post is how I would expect the conversation to go.

(above)

Everyone always says is just weed and it's not addictive until they don't have any and they start spiralling!
But it's super common , I probably know more people who do it then don't but they're all 20s/30s so don't know if it's their social "thing "

County lines, cuckooing, modern slavery, people trafficking, sex slavery, violent crime, child abuse. So much of it is because of the criminals selling drugs I don’t think honestly decent people do give money to the kind of people who frighten kids into drug running for them, or cuckoo old ladies etc. What decent person would contribute to that?

I think your view on this is quite balanced. I would be wary of your kids getting dragged into it and it's good they have vocalised how they feel. You absolutely have to respect that, that's what I feel.

I've got some understanding that this is about being exposed to something beyond what they felt appropriate for them to deal with and they have had a reaction. You've already condemned the behaviour to your partner who wasnt interested so your only option is to speak directly to them and tell them your kids were uncomfortable and in regards to the upcoming holiday they need to go off somewhere else to smoke if that is what they are going to do. I'm not clear why that is difficult for you - do you feel that it is overstepping the mark and your partner should? Why? Is it reasonable that your partner should? Do you feel you don't want to be painted as the bad person? But what is there to gain from letting a situation fester, it will no doubt come out in future anyway. Do you feel you have underlying judgement about how they live their life? Perhaps this is making it difficult to separate out your feelings and speak to them.

At least because this happened you have a chance to tell your kids how to deal with situations like this. Be grateful your kids are so good. As for the step daughter she was sloppy but she was in her house after all. She is not the kids babysitter either and the kids are all adults. I do find YABU to say that rich kids are worse as all I see is road man teens smoking weed all over London. Drugs are a thing that happens in this country specially at university so prepare your kids.

This!

I don’t have a parental role with her.

I wouldn’t say to a random friend or uni mate who had used weed around them not to as it’s not my place. I’m not her mum or step mum so it wouldn’t be appropriate.

Honestly OP I'd leave your kids at home. If they are threatening not to go on holiday over this then fine. Expecting mummy to 'tell off' an adult who did nothing wrong is bratty and quite strange behaviour. I also think going to your ex was really manipulative. They Honestly have some serious growing up to do. I think you and your partner should just completely ignore this manipulation tactic, the offer of a holiday stands they either come or they don't, but I definitely would not be pandering to them or speaking to you're partners daughter

Seems like an over-due opportunity for your kids to learn how to handle situations and problem solve independently. Don’t intervene, let them make their own choice about the holiday. They are adults, treat them like they are.

Some of these comments are scary.

Weed is NOT harmless. It causes anxiety, paranoia, depression, mental health issues.

Through my work I see the lives of so many ruined by this so called “harmless” drug.

I honestly think if your children are uncomfortable, they should speak to them themselves.

There is no wonder your partner responds to you the way he does. Imagine telling someone to tell their adult children who support themselves how to behave on their own home.

It isn't up to anyone to tell them off. Ridiculous. You know it OP. Now have the balls to tell this to your kids.

Your partner is going to leave you if this nit picking carries on

The rights and wrongs of smoking weed are completely irrelevant in this situation.

The question is, is it appropriate for one set of adults, at the behest of a second set of adults, to "tell off" a third set of adults for smoking weed in their own home?

OP needs to get a grip and tell her kids to sort their own shit out.

Yep, the weed is a misdirect here.

If OP's kids were unhappy about alcohol use, or anything going on in the flat, they had the option to say so, or leave.

They chose secret option C - come home, whine to Mummy and demand she or her partner tell off some other adult.

That is not how adults lead their lives, its not the way to deal with situations you're uncomfortable in and if I were their parent, I'd be concerned at their inability to advocate for themselves appropriately!

I think it is a question of personal perspective as I am aware it is not entirely uncommon. However, for me it is a big deal - it is illegal and therefore unacceptable. I have never done it, nor allowed it to be around me, nor would I let kids be around it, doubly so if they said it made them uncomfortable.

Completely agree. Do not allow it in my home.

But they're not kids. They're adults who have the same options you've presented - to not do it and not be around it.

There's no need for any other adults to be involved.

Sounds like they are not keen on going to France to be bored silly by your partners DD getting high (high people don’t tend to be great company). And risking breaking the law by association when they have no interest in it.
They don’t sound like they hit it off and since they are all adults I think it’s perfectly reasonable for them to say - no don’t want to spend my holiday with this person I don’t know and don’t like.