Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

[RunNo]

Looking for others thoughts.
I have 3 children 22, 20 and 18 and my husband has a daughter who is 23. I’ve been divorced from my children’s dad for 8 years and we rarely communicate.

At the weekend my partners sister had come
to visit from France, her 3 children also visited they are 24, 22 and 19.

On Saturday night we all went out for dinner all the “kids” went for drinks after then back to my partners daughters flat. Along with 2 of her friends and her 29 year old boyfriend, this upped the average age quite a bit.

Turns out they all ended up sitting around smoking weed, listening to music etc. On Sunday my 18 year old told me, he’s quite a young 18, only just finished his A-levels etc. He told me it made him uncomfortable and everyone was doing it apart from him and my 20 year old.

I mentioned to my partner and he gave me a look as though to say “and what?”. I’ve noticed this with a lot of things really with him. I suggested he maybe mention to his daughter that some of the younger ones with them weren’t comfortable and maybe in the future if they are there, she shouldn’t engage in the use of illegal drugs! He more or less said “be glad it was only weed” then said he wouldn’t say anything as they were all adults and my kids could have left if they weren’t comfortable. For context she lives in Zone 1 central London, my kids have grown up in rural Berkshire. Yes the night tube was on so they could have easily got to my partners (we don’t live together yet) but I don’t think they knew how or had the confidence to leave. The demographic of my kids vs everyone else is quite different. He is incredibly well off , his daughter was gifted several properties worth over a million pounds at 18 and could easily live off the rental income of them, she doesn’t she has a job but she absolutely could. I think the use of drugs (especially weed and cocaine) is a lot more common in her well off trust fund babies of central London than in my kids state school rural Berkshire circles!

Either way my kids have now told their dad and he has said to me that the kids have told him they don't want to spend time with partners daughter or niece/nephews again. They are also saying they won’t be coming on holiday to France with us in July. I’ve spoke to my kids and they have said they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable.

Now I feel stuck. I don’t think it’s a massive deal, but I understand my kids were uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to talk to my partners daughter as we aren’t close. My partner refuses to as he thinks my kids are being childish and it’s “just weed”. My kids don’t want to talk to her themselves or hang out with her again.

So AIBU to think

1. Using weed isn’t a big deal and both my ex and my kids are being dramatic
2. Even if it isn’t a big deal my kids feeling uncomfortable needs to be dealt with so we can work as a family
3. To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

Or is it actually a big deal and we are being too relaxed about it, it is illegal after all!

Or not a deal at all and my kids just need to grow up and stop being immature

I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle and between my kids and my partner right now

I hate weed.

I think the psychopathological effects of it are downplayed as it is seen as the 'acceptable' face of drug-taking, particularly for the middle classes.

I hate the hypocrisy mentioned above, of those who will turn a blind eye to the issues of the weed supply chain while drinking their single origin fair trade coffee and bemoaning the use of sweat shops by others.

However, I really do think that the biggest problem in this scenario is that a 20 year old and 18 year old can't get themselves out of a situation where they are uncomfortable (and not being pressurised to join in with illegal activity) and make their way safely home.

They then want a 23 yr old who is living independently to be 'told off' before they will agree to go on a family holiday.

OP will obviously know why the first issue has arisen, and can think of strategies to help develop independence in her young adults.
For the second, I would probably simply say that they are welcome to come or stay at home, whichever they wish, but that another adult is not going to be 'told off'.

I think people should cooperate on a family holiday and in this case we are talking about something that is actually illegal, so not sure I agree with you on this one. As I said no-one I associate with does this but for example when there is an occasional smoker in a group I have been in, they don't do it around other people out of consideration for them.

Would it be ok if weed was legal then? Like in many other countries?

So if the issue is weed being bought causing all this stuff surely it would be better to just legalize it. Stops all that if can be bought from a legit shop/pharmacy. And they no " gateway" to the harder drugs

What you are saying is nothing to do with the weed itself but the means of obtaining it

@boombang
you are not bothered by people supporting an industry which enslaves thousands across the UK, mostly children?

They smoked a bit of dope, they didn't go on a primark haul. Jeez.

Why are people discussing rules in the OP's house?

This did not happen in the OP's house. It happened in OP's partners adult daughters flat. A place OP's kids were invited to, but under no obligation to remain in.

It isn't likely to happen on holiday, OP's partner has made it clear its not tolerated in the house, it hasn't happened on previous holidays either which suggests this next one would be no different.

Threads are so much more productive if posters don't go making shit up.

Bit much to expect ds to talk to the woman when he can't even walk to a train station ffs

I agree tbh.

Many substances, or unhealthy things are brushed under the carpet when it suits.

Some people may be fine with weed, but others not so much. Same with alcohol, ect. But we cherry pick what we want to seem acceptable and ignore the high risks.

I think the difference with legalised weed, is it's growth and distribution is monitored and adheres to guidelines. Illegal weed here in the UK, you have no idea what its sprayed with, how it's distributed (child slavery) medical marijuana it's use is monitored, how much on prescription and the people that use it health checked.

They want to come, they just won’t unless someone says something to her.

Your kids are way too judgmental and controlling. Explain to them that on their journey through life they will meet many people whose views and behaviours don’t accord with their own.
If they don’t want to come that’s sad but they are the ones responsible for that decision.

I live in a rural area. The local college is rife with drugs, particularly ketamine. Everywhere we go the smell of weed is prevalent.
rural Berkshire sounds incredibly unusual inasmuch as the 18 year old hasn’t been exposed to weed, maybe he just has very straight friends but it does sound like a mountain out of a molehill.
just do the holiday or not. Op your kids are adults, they don’t have to come and if they do then perhaps you can help with some role play about how and when to leave a situation they are uncomfortable with.
country bumpkins need to learn how to manage all types of scenarios just as much as anyone else

Lots of hysteria on this thread!

Steeping back a bit, it’s not really about the weed, is it? It’s about how your (young, admittedly) adult children cope with situations and how much they expect you to be accountable for their comfort.

And the next genuine question for you is where the line should be about that, and how you can develop that moving into adulthood.

An adult woman and some friends having an occasional smoke in her own home is not really going to affect your family’s day to day life, is it? Her own morals about the drug trade and brain development are her own business. (I am not belittling this in general, by the way)

The issue is how your kids are supposed to act. I think you and ex need to urgently guide them in how to cope with situations they aren’t comfortable in. I don’t take drugs (rural 😜) and on my first night of the ‘big city university experience’ I was invited to a party and offered a joint as it was passed around.

I did not die of moral outrage, I said ‘nah, not my thing, thanks’ and passed it on - as I had been told to do by my parents. I swiftly assessed my safety, the atmosphere, how to leave and worked out it was all ok and stayed. Still friends with all those people now!

I also DID leave, avoid and report different scenarios throughout my 20s when necessary. What I didn’t do was run to my parents and expect them to call the other person’s parents to sort it out.

I definitely turned to my parents for guidance and support and they were brilliant and always put my happiness first, but this kind of neediness isn’t going to do them any favours in making friends and becoming independent.

Put it this way - the girl was nice enough to invite her dad’s partner’s not very sociable kids to hang out with her friends and just acted how she would do normally. She didn’t force them to do drugs or mock them. And as thanks, she got pearl-clutching tattle-taling.

She’ll not make that mistake again!

Why are your grown up children coming to mummy to tell the naughty girl we don’t want to play with her anymore? Have you wrapped them in cottonwool? They could have got up and left at any point but chose to stay. Couldn’t have been that uncomfortable.

So actually the conversation about weed use in France already happened long ago. Your partner told his daughter he doesn’t want it in his house and she has always respected that. Tell your kids this.
They absolutely do need to the limits on their (or their parents’) authority over other adults.

It CAN cause these things but it is often prescribed for these conditions too. I live in a country where it isnt illegal. I also have cancer. I cannot take most pain relief as it counteracts the treatment i am on. My oncologist told me to use weed as its the safest option.
Its also recommended here for ADHD rather than Ritalin etc. Which is far more harmful

It is a drug like any other drug that can cause issues but dont forget the benefits. Its far less detrimental than alcohol

Regardless of if it's a big deal it is illegal and your children were uncomfortable. It's perfectly reasonable for them to not want to be around her anymore.

Smoking it before the age of 25 is associated with all sorts of negative things. It can bring on schizophrenia. Affects brain development and mood even IQ.

I personally think it's no big deal after age 25 but people not wanting to be around it needs to be respected

It must be a very sheltered life you’ve led @JellyWellyBoots if you can’t comprehend the point about County Lines and actually think it’s funny. Would you be happy with your kid being taken away from you, being controlled by a criminal gang, having to deliver drugs to good knows who, shitting themselves they’ll get robbed by rivals? These are someone’s kids, vulnerable and exploited. They should be at home doing their homework or hanging at their mate’s house on the Xbox, not delivering drugs to you.

Whatever anyone's views on the impact or morality of occasional weed use is that is not the issue here.
Adults and you adults all have varying views on drug use.
The issue is how your young adults react when they are bystanders to something that makes them uncomfortable. In the future this could be sexist behaviour, racism, low level financial crimes and yes drug taking.
They seem to want their parents to actively intervene "tell her off". I would suggest some scaffolding type conversations about how to handle uncomfortable situations like this going forward. Google active bystanding as a starter. They need to be able to articulate and decide what they will call out and why. If drug taking is really a moral line for them that's fine, but they need to learn how to handle these differences in views going forward.
As an aside, your ex is being really unhelpful and frankly not doing his kids any favours keeping them stuck in a perpetual childhood and doing too much for them. It may make him feel useful/loved/powerful but their in the phase of learning to adult and sometimes that's hard......

The morality of it is important to some of us. There is another thread on here by a mother whose DS has had his life turned upside down by being involved in County Lines. Why don’t the ‘no big deal/I do it/my kids do it/my high flying friends do it’ people on here go over to that thread and say the same thing to that mother? Course you won’t because you are cowards.

OP didn't allow it in her home

They're a bit old to be running to mummy and grassing up the other lot over a bit of weed.

As other have said, just say it's not for me and either leave or stay and enjoy the evening in a different way.

Berkshire is hardly the arse end of nowhere .... surely they've come across this before.

What a non event.

Snitches get stitches and wind up in ditches.

Not really, they do sound like they lack resilience and need to grow up. The 18 year old sounds particularly wet - I have a 17 and a 19 year old and they’re both perfectly capable of getting a train/bus/uber on their own.

Agree this is about the family dynamics more than the weed itself, your partner’s daughter did nothing wrong and no one should be telling her off!

it sounds like a power play, your kids want to assert their preferences and have them prioritised - assume this is something they’ve come to expect and feel entitled to. This is the discussion that needs to be had imo.

How old are you? Pathetic.

I think your kids are being wet lettuces, tbh!

The legality or morality or whatever else of weed is irrelevant here, if you ask me, and other posters going 'WELL IT'S DISGUSTING COUNTY LINES ETC ETC' are missing the point.

Some adults were in a scenario with other adults where they felt uncomfortable. They had the option to leave, and they didn't - if they really didn't have money and felt so uncomfortable they desperately wanted to go, they could have called you or borrowed some cash off their older sibling who was fine with the situation. Weird lack of initiative.

They're now asking their mum to tell off some other adults for them, which is very strange. You're not in a parental role to your partner's daughter so you have no sway over telling her what to do, nor should you IMO. "they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable" is quite strange to me - they sound very young and/or coddled. I'm not being judgemental about it because it sounds like you're not the one doing the coddling OP, but it's very playground to want to make sure everyone knows they were upset instead of them using their own autonomy to deal with the situation. Can you imagine them asking a parent to ring up their boss and make sure they knew they were upset by something they said?

I think your kids need to grow up a bit, and I mean that nicely. Otherwise they're going to find life very difficult - if I were you OP I'd tell them firmly but kindly that they're adults now and it's on them to navigate social situations they're not comfortable with as you can't expect your mum to step in for you. They're entitled to their feelings on drugs but it could have been something entirely different - her doing a Satantic ritual or being unspeakably rude to all her guests or blasting death metal at the entire party, it's not the actual thing itself that's relevant, it's that two people who are of an age to be independent want their mum to tell off another adult for them.

This practised (and clearly effective) manipulative behaviour is far more alarming to me than some adults smoking weed at a party. Your younger kids may be innocents in terms of recreational drug use but they're obviously very mature when it comes to playing their parents off against each other to get their own way. It's not a great character trait to have as they enter the adult world, and this is evidence of that - instead of making friends and bonding with the other young adults in thier family they've managed to piss everyone off and will likely never have a close relationship with the others.

Of course they could have left the party any time they wanted but I suspect creating this kind of drama was the point of it all.