Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

[RunNo]

Looking for others thoughts.
I have 3 children 22, 20 and 18 and my husband has a daughter who is 23. I’ve been divorced from my children’s dad for 8 years and we rarely communicate.

At the weekend my partners sister had come
to visit from France, her 3 children also visited they are 24, 22 and 19.

On Saturday night we all went out for dinner all the “kids” went for drinks after then back to my partners daughters flat. Along with 2 of her friends and her 29 year old boyfriend, this upped the average age quite a bit.

Turns out they all ended up sitting around smoking weed, listening to music etc. On Sunday my 18 year old told me, he’s quite a young 18, only just finished his A-levels etc. He told me it made him uncomfortable and everyone was doing it apart from him and my 20 year old.

I mentioned to my partner and he gave me a look as though to say “and what?”. I’ve noticed this with a lot of things really with him. I suggested he maybe mention to his daughter that some of the younger ones with them weren’t comfortable and maybe in the future if they are there, she shouldn’t engage in the use of illegal drugs! He more or less said “be glad it was only weed” then said he wouldn’t say anything as they were all adults and my kids could have left if they weren’t comfortable. For context she lives in Zone 1 central London, my kids have grown up in rural Berkshire. Yes the night tube was on so they could have easily got to my partners (we don’t live together yet) but I don’t think they knew how or had the confidence to leave. The demographic of my kids vs everyone else is quite different. He is incredibly well off , his daughter was gifted several properties worth over a million pounds at 18 and could easily live off the rental income of them, she doesn’t she has a job but she absolutely could. I think the use of drugs (especially weed and cocaine) is a lot more common in her well off trust fund babies of central London than in my kids state school rural Berkshire circles!

Either way my kids have now told their dad and he has said to me that the kids have told him they don't want to spend time with partners daughter or niece/nephews again. They are also saying they won’t be coming on holiday to France with us in July. I’ve spoke to my kids and they have said they just want someone to tell his daughter they were uncomfortable.

Now I feel stuck. I don’t think it’s a massive deal, but I understand my kids were uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to talk to my partners daughter as we aren’t close. My partner refuses to as he thinks my kids are being childish and it’s “just weed”. My kids don’t want to talk to her themselves or hang out with her again.

So AIBU to think

1. Using weed isn’t a big deal and both my ex and my kids are being dramatic
2. Even if it isn’t a big deal my kids feeling uncomfortable needs to be dealt with so we can work as a family
3. To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

Or is it actually a big deal and we are being too relaxed about it, it is illegal after all!

Or not a deal at all and my kids just need to grow up and stop being immature

I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle and between my kids and my partner right now

Just because it's "pretty commonplace" doesn't make it OK in my opinion.

Yes it is! If your children are uncomfortable around it, it needs dealing with within the family setup. Just like anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. They will need to learn strategies etc to deal with it in everyday life but need to feel safe with close friends and family.

I love drug related threads, they always bring the frothing loons out.

So what? Her current age, job and location make no difference as far as the harmful effects of smoking weed goes. Weed smokers always have something wrong with them, and they often end up zombie-like.

But they could've just left. No one forced them to stay

I'd say it's very common among young people, but noone should be encouraging others to smoke. Not just weed but anything really.
I personally smoke weed and have done since my teens, but most tend to grow out of it, or just have it occasionally to relax or with mates.
I'd never encourage anyone to start doing it if they didn't already though.

Why is everyone acting like partners daughter is doing this every other day. It’s occasionally, a few times a year in a social setting in her own home.

Similar happened in my family, the one who snitched had in fact been privately asked to leave and not come back again, and snitched as a form of tit for tat, it was all very ugly and they are still never in the same room at once many years later. I would expect more of someone who is no longer a child. All very schoolyard antics.

And not having money for an Uber? I’m sure the father would have transferred a bit of money or booked the Uber himself if asked, unless all concerned are especially reluctant about spending, and you said it yourself you would have booked an Uber, so why were you not informed by a simple discreet text asking at the time? What happened between then and when you were told?

A few things do not add up. Especially if the situation was so serious as to want to leave.

Why are you justifying it to me? If you are so happy and unconcerned about the weed smoking, what do you care what everyone else thinks? You asked for our opinions so I shared mine. I think parents who are 'relaxed' about kids smoking weed - whether it's once a year or 100 - are neglectful. That's my opinion.

If you are in rural Berkshire the weed will be supplied by County Lines kids. Unless you would be happy with your own DC being taken out of school, groomed and made to work for a drug dealer, then don’t be a hypocrite and expect someone else’s kids to do it. I’m not a frothing loon. Just someone who is realistic about what happens in the drugs trade. No doubt the ‘no big deal’ types on here are reading this thread while drinking fair trade coffee in a £££ house and claiming to be liberal.

1. Using weed isn’t a big deal and both my ex and my kids are being dramatic
2. Even if it isn’t a big deal my kids feeling uncomfortable needs to be dealt with so we can work as a family
3. To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

yes I agree with all of the above. It’s not a big deal, but if some people aren’t comfortable with it they should be given an easy option to leave the situation before the rest start smoking.

Ummmm so it sounds like your kids have got very used to throwing their weight around and getting everyone else to do what they want. So they want “someone” to tell them that the weed smoking makes them uncomfortable. I have so many issues with this it’s hard to know where to start.

1. To what end? Why do they think that them being uncomfortable should mean that other people need to change their behaviour when it’s not directly affecting them?
2. No-one was pushing smoking weed into them so really not sure why them were so “uncomfortable” in the first place.
3. Why don’t they feel comfortable addressing this themselves if they want to? They are adults. Why are they still running mummy and daddy and getting them to resolve their problems?
4. Why aren’t they confident enough to walk away? That’s concerning and slightly odd tbh. It makes it all sound very attention seeking. They should feel confident walk away from any situation where they feel uncomfortable by the age of 18! It’s worrying if they genuinely don’t as they could get themselves into all sorts of dangerous situations.

I can understand why you are worried about losing them but I think your children seem to have got very used to using this against you to get you all running about after them and changing your and others behaviours from what you have said.

Personally, I would say to them, you are 18/20. If you are in a situation where you are not comfortable you need to leave. This is not my responsibility to sort out. My partner’s children are adults and we can’t tell them what to do. And neither can you.

“To help with this my partner should just have a quiet word with his daughter before the family holiday, even just to say “if you plan to smoke in France just let X and Y know so they don’t have to be part of it”

Yes agree this is a good compromise.

What about if you grow your own? Not " propping" up all those people then

The thread isn't about what they could have done that evening. Thats history and irrelevant to the dilemma of the thread. They have decided what they intend to do in the future, which is not go on holiday if the other woman will be smoking weed around them, which they have every right to do.

How many people actually grow their own @Gogogo12345 In my city, teachers and football coaches are trained to spot kids being used in county lines, but crack on you edgy Berkshire folk.

Illegal drugs are a big deal for society and health wise.

Only used, condoned and impacts minimised by losers.

This is absolutely right. Lots of evidence also linking weed to mental health problems. Tbh I think an 18 year socialising in a group with a 29 year throws up this kind of issues. Your partners daughter’s behaviour is very stereotypical of her privilege (not working, privately wealthy, drug taking) and not something you can control or change.

Dunno in total but my friend does in London. Sure others do also

I was going to write the same. Your kids need to understand that you can't police the world for them.
They really should have the skills to manage uncomfortable situations.

Meh. They’re all adults. Doesn’t sound like your children were put under any pressure. They must come across people smoking weed at parties etc?

I would not be remotely bothered about a bit of recreational weed use. Lord knows I did a fair bit back in the day. I have however warned my sons about skunk and the impact on a young brain, no idea if they have heeded my warning.

Sounds like your kids have the courage of their own convictions (possibly a tad ott, but there we are). This is not your issue.

Weed isnt anything to overly worry about about. Its better than drinking. It isn't illegal in the country i live in

I would be a bit eye rolly if someone judged my adult children for smoking weed while not judging drinking etc

Your children feel uncomfortable thats fine. However it could just be that they are so much younger than the others and not in the same vibe. They are perfectly entitled to not want to spend time with them. They are all adults and can make adult decisions

Totally agree. Of course it was just OP's two not smoking. And of course they had to tell mum about how they were good and didn't try any.

Come on, you're 18 and 20. Don't smoke if you don't want to.

Weed is common. Not to be encouraged but seriously, mum doesn't need to be informed.

Not a big deal

I know this forum is anonymous but still, how are you not embarrassed?

In my experience of weed smokers, it tends not to be a good thing. It can cause mental health problems, paranoia and seems to sap people's ambitions in life.