.... to not be that fussed about FIL being "absolutely devastated" because I didn't tell DP about fathers day?

[SecretDeidre]

Neither me nor DP registered that yesterday was fathers day.

Ergo, DP's dad didn't get the usual perfunctory phone call.

At midnight, DP received a text from his mum saying "Thanks for taking the time to call dad on fathers day".

This morning DP replied saying he hadn't realized but will call later this week.

An exchange ensued where the upshot is that DP's dad is "absolutely devastated" and DP should've known it was fathers day because I should've told him so

I'm disproportionately pissed off.

For context:
> I don't have a dad, ergo fathers day has never remotely been on my radar.
> I don't do wife work and PILs are fully aware of this.
> DP doesn't do cards, gifts or similar so wouldn't have actually sent anything to FIL - he'd have just called him.
> DP has been working 7-day weeks and in/out of the country for the last month or so which is why fathers day didn't register.
> DP and FIL aren't particularly close. We see them once or twice a year, DP speaks to them once a month or so.

AIBU to not give a shit because its not my circus, not my monkeys?

100% YANBU

I'm angry on your bhalf about the whole thing but especially that this is somehow your fault.

Are they normally this batshit?

You are right it’s not your fault. Unless there is a backstory where your FIL is a complete prick you DH is being unreasonable not to apologise and call him today

Of course you’re not unreasonable. It’s literally nothing to do with you.

I mean, I actually have a father I see fairly regularly, but because I’m snowed under at work, WFH at the moment, don’t watch tv or go online much, I haven’t seen a single ad, and would have had no idea if my sister didn’t message to ask if I wanted to coordinate dropping by our parents.

You are not your DHs manager - and I would relay this to FIL.

They're not batshit as a general rule, but they have very strange ideas about women's roles in society.

@iamtheblcksheep FIL was a bit of a prick when DP was growing up (very strict, shouting, sulky) but they've not had a big fall-out over this at all. As I said in the OP, they're not close though.

Given that you don’t have to see them often I’d roll my eyes and forget about this. Leave them to their opinions, they won’t change. YANBU but don’t let it ruin your week.

Of course you are right, DP's relationship with his Dad is down to the two of them, AND DP's relationship with his Mum is also down to him and her, so there's no need for you to get involved in her getting involved, either.

The only question is, is DP agreeing with their blaming you?

It's not your job to remind him, mil could have if she's that bothered. Is he really going to be devastated or is it all a bit of a drama. Just get him to ring, say he forgot but hoped they had a lovely day. Life's too bloody short for this sort of nonsense,

Of course it isn't your fault!

I think the reply you are looking for is "FIL is not my father and I am not DH's secretary."

Unless your head was firmly in the sand you wouldn't know about father's day.
It's everywhere!
Your partner should call his father. It's nothing to do with you.
When/if you have children of your own you may feel differently about these occasions.

What a total wanker. What's more important to me, is has your DH suggested that it is your fault? As long as he agrees his dad is being a twat, you're good.

DH very very briefly had a moment yesterday where he blamed me for not telling him it was fathers day South Africa, which is where both our dads are. The conversation went something like this:

DH: Did you know it's fathers day in SA today as well?
Me: Yes, I sent my dad a message earlier. Have you spoken to your dad?
DH (irritably): Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know it was fathers day there too.
Me (incredulous): What? I didn't think you needed to be reminded of FATHER's Day as we've spent the whole day celebrating you?
DH (slightly less irritable but a bit whingey): But Mothers day is different [SA celebrates at same time as US] so I thought fathers day was too.
Me: No, it's not. And why is it MY problem to tell you this?
DH: Sorry.

I still feel slightly irritated and he backtracked super fast.

@SecondRow Oh absolutely not, DP's not blaming me at all. Well, yes, light-heartedly he is. But not really at all.

@TheCompactPussycat @Roundeartheratchriatmas I'm not replying. The texts were between DP and his mum - absolutely fuck all to do with me.

YANBU as he's not your father and it's absolutely not your fault! But I can completely understand his dad being hurt at not even getting a phone call.

@ZekeZeke It maybe "everywhere" (though I WFH, I don't watch TV, not on social media) but if its not remotely on your radar then you wouldn't notice. I don't have a dad and I don't have children so fathers day just never registers with me - why would it?

As a teenager I never bought df a card. He mentioned it once. I said when he acted like a df he would get a card... Never really had any sort of relationship. Haven't seen him in over 25 years. Didn't even register I had a df yesterday. Dc went and bought their won things. Ds made a card at school..
Maybe your dp hasn't registered due to lack of any real relationship..

Of course YANBU.

I'd be vaguely tempted to get your DH to tell them off for being so insensitive towards you as you don't have a dad ... but probably best not.

@ErrolTheDragon Oh, I'm sure he will when they speak!

Christ what a fucking baby FIL sounds and a bitch MIL sounds.

FIL: could have picked up the phone himslef to your DP and had a nice chat. But he didn’t want a chat, he wanted to have his feet kissed. Being devastated? Get a fucking grip. Prick.

MIL: could have texted saying hey do you know it’s Father’s Day, give your dad a call. Instead the manipulative bitch sent an aggressive text at midnight.

What a pair of childish, spoilt, manipulative weirdos they sound

YANBU.

Awful of them to blame you when you don’t have a dad yourself (or to blame you at all, regardless, but particularly tactless of them in your case).
Its one day, and in my mind it’s more for young children and their fathers really. If all your partner does is call usually anyway I really don’t understand their problem. Do they have other DC?

My thoughts exactly. Thank you.

@SomewhereOverTheHill Yes - they have two other adult children

am also a bit surprised that neither of you realised - don't you get loads of emails from anywhere you've ever bought something from referring to father's day gifts/asking if you don't want to be reminded. Plus it's been automatically on the calendar of every phone I've ever had.

Obviously that's still irrelevant and it is nothing at all to do with you and it's ridiculous of them to think it is.

I would say that it sounds like DH's apology wasn't particularly apologetic and telling them he'll call sometime in the week does sound quite dismissive, tbh and I can see why that escalated it. Ringing the next morning rather than just sending a text and at least pretending to be sorry would be the usual way someone who actually felt bad would react. But then if he doesn't have a great relationship with his father, fair enough if he doesn't want to fake it.

YANBU, not your job. There was no expectation of my taking on reminding my DH about his family birthdays but I used to do it and then I stopped as it's one bit of 'wife work' that is perfectly easily avoided so I decided not to bother.

I’d be quite hurt if my child forgot me on Mother’s Day, as would many people. Going by the threads on here. However I’d hold my child accountable not their partner.

I don’t think it’s everywhere. I have barely noticed it this year myself.