.... to not be that fussed about FIL being "absolutely devastated" because I didn't tell DP about fathers day?

[SecretDeidre]

Neither me nor DP registered that yesterday was fathers day.

Ergo, DP's dad didn't get the usual perfunctory phone call.

At midnight, DP received a text from his mum saying "Thanks for taking the time to call dad on fathers day".

This morning DP replied saying he hadn't realized but will call later this week.

An exchange ensued where the upshot is that DP's dad is "absolutely devastated" and DP should've known it was fathers day because I should've told him so

I'm disproportionately pissed off.

For context:
> I don't have a dad, ergo fathers day has never remotely been on my radar.
> I don't do wife work and PILs are fully aware of this.
> DP doesn't do cards, gifts or similar so wouldn't have actually sent anything to FIL - he'd have just called him.
> DP has been working 7-day weeks and in/out of the country for the last month or so which is why fathers day didn't register.
> DP and FIL aren't particularly close. We see them once or twice a year, DP speaks to them once a month or so.

AIBU to not give a shit because its not my circus, not my monkeys?

Has he never had much of a relationship with them?

Had he wanted to, however busy he's been and with whatever time distance, he could have sent a text.

Clearly he doesn't want to. So why doesn't he totally disengage?

If anyone thinks their parents are 'extended family' there's not much relationship to worry about at all

YANBU. If MIL thinks women have a duty to remind men about this type of thing then why didn't she remind her precious son?

😂

The two kittens crowned it.

I'd be disappointed if my child whether working or not couldn't remember mothers day but I'd hope to see them.more often than twice a year. The blame should never be placed at your feet. It's easier to blame you than recognise they have a crap relationship with their own child and perhaps need to look at what went wrong and how they could improve things. To make effort is a two way street.

Continue not giving a shit!

but shitty of your husband. And shitty of your MIL to not have sent that text secretly at 9pm instead of midnight. Sorry you have to deal with her

I'm more shocked about your DP not 'doing' cards or gifts!? Bloody tight bugger!

How the bloody hell are his own parents extended family?! WTH They produced him! They are his immediate family ffs

Quite right. And it’s not been as front and centre as some other things IMO - I didn’t really see much about it in the places I go so very dependent on that.

But regardless of whether it’s visible or not, it is STILL not your responsibility to remind your partner. These expectations on women are exhausting and why so many of us are burnt out carrying the mental load.

As long as DP isn’t blaming you OP try to forget it. It would be good if he can clear the air by apologising to his dad, but low key don’t raise the drama level.

Totally agree, not your circus not your monkeys. Dp probably should've remembered, and he's upset his dad, that's his issue. Women always get lumbered with this stuff and its mad. No way on earth someone would message my husband and suggest he should remind me/prompt me/sort a card or gift out for me. It's 100% everyday sexism, and I utterly refuse to do it. Every Christmas and birthday SiL sends me (she's my husbands sister) her present list and I immediately have to tell her that she needs to contact her actual brother. She would also ask me about their dad's birthdays/fathers day and what should she buy for the kids. I refuse to deal with it all. Not my family (they don't buy gifts for my birthday). Support your dp as he sorts things out with his parents but otherwise they can jog on!

Father's Day is bullshit

Yanbu

I think they’re right to be angry at your son. Not at you.
I am that organising wife - unfortunately nothing would get done otherwise and I would never allow him to forget Father’s Day but it’s not your fault that he did.

The blame here lies with your DP and then some of MIL for blaming you but that’s out of misplaced anger due to your DPs negligence. This is on him, esp if he cba with a card or gift, a phone call wouldn’t be amiss!

My partner wouldn't forget fathers day no matter how busy he was because he loves his dad.

My dad died 17 years ago and I also don't do wife duties but I would definitely remind my partner if I thought he'd forgotten fathers day because I love his dad and I wouldn't want him to be forgotten about.

Maybe PILs need to have a long, hard think about why it is that Father's Day wasn't important enough for either of you to remember or why their son only speaks to them once a month.

Lots of people on here are presuming the parents have done something wrong ( apart from send a text saying they were hurt,) but sometimes people are just more centered on their own lives and not that interested in or attentive to their parents surely ? It doesn’t make it the parents fault,

I couldn’t have done this to my Dad or not tell my DH if he’d forgotten his Dad. It’s a phone call . It’s not that hard.

Completely agree. Everyone in this story, the OP, the DH and the MIL, sound dysfunctional though so I doubt the behaviour is in the context of 'normal' family relationships

What, the OP is dysfunctional because her father died many years ago so doesn't pay attention to Father's Day? That's a very dysfunctional take on it.

Push it back on MIL for not reminding her kid that she birthed. Ask her to remind her kids a week before and they can put it in calendar. To avoid drama next year, check the date and put a calendar notification. And to be extra petty put in all the dates of Father’s Day around the world and call on those days just in case they get upset that it’s Father’s Day on some random island and so you have called

It's not your fault, it's his Dad but it's hard to believe you were both oblivious and it's a bit rubbish that neither of you is thoughtful enough to make the effort for the person who raised your DH. My FiL isn't my Dad but he's a good man and a fatherly figure in my life and he raised my DH so I make sure he's thought of. I feel sorry for FIL.

he raised my DH so I make sure he's thought of

But as he raised your DH, why doesn't he feel the gratitude and need to make sure his dad is thought of?

Love this montage of terrible treats. The Rennie Mackintosh Hotel has deceived many a tourist. There are two in Glasgow, one near Central Station (which I believe has closed now, after use as a Council homeless hostel) and one near the Art School. Both notoriously sketchy.

He does, but I was speaking from my perspective as his Daughter in Law, which the OP is. DH wishes my Dad a Happy Father's Day as well. They raised us, cared for us and supported us as children and now adults, if you have a father or FiL that does this why would you treat them like an after thought?

For clarity my husband has never forgotten his Dad on father's day, but I was speaking from a daughter in laws perspective when I said "I'd make sure he's thought of" and I do, in addition to my DH's efforts, myself and the kids always make a deal of all of the dads and grandparents on fathers day, as we do with our mothers and grandmother's on mother's day.

If my DH forgot, I would remind him but it wouldn't happen as he loves and respects his Dad. I'm not saying this is OP's fault but if you're married, you're family, it's not something that' should be a chore, unless FiL is an awful person and not a good parent. Personally, i'd see my DH saying he forgot fathers day but would call later that week as a huge red flag and if that's how he treats the people who raised him, he doesn't sound too much about other people.