.... to not be that fussed about FIL being "absolutely devastated" because I didn't tell DP about fathers day?

[SecretDeidre]

Neither me nor DP registered that yesterday was fathers day.

Ergo, DP's dad didn't get the usual perfunctory phone call.

At midnight, DP received a text from his mum saying "Thanks for taking the time to call dad on fathers day".

This morning DP replied saying he hadn't realized but will call later this week.

An exchange ensued where the upshot is that DP's dad is "absolutely devastated" and DP should've known it was fathers day because I should've told him so

I'm disproportionately pissed off.

For context:
> I don't have a dad, ergo fathers day has never remotely been on my radar.
> I don't do wife work and PILs are fully aware of this.
> DP doesn't do cards, gifts or similar so wouldn't have actually sent anything to FIL - he'd have just called him.
> DP has been working 7-day weeks and in/out of the country for the last month or so which is why fathers day didn't register.
> DP and FIL aren't particularly close. We see them once or twice a year, DP speaks to them once a month or so.

AIBU to not give a shit because its not my circus, not my monkeys?

Why is it really shitty? DP's going to call them as soon as he can

Don’t worry about it.

My FIL is a bit of a prick. I was v unreasonable as I aherm, forgot to remind DH to call him ( DH is away). I sent him a card last week though.
Don’t feel bad - I should but I don’t. What ye sow so ye reap ( or however it goes)..

FIL gives no fucks about DH, me , the children and he was emotionally abusive to me ( and still is on occasion). His Persona is that butter wouldn’t melt. He doesn’t fool me.

Sorry to derail op. YANBU.

In what world would this be your fault?! Totally, totally unreasonable of them. Why are women still seen as the keepers of all emotional labour?

Yes. They may want to reflect on why this has happened and perhaps link it to their behaviour. Obviously they won’t.

I noticed it.

Mostly I noticed that for the first time in my life I didn't send a card.

These occasions come up on the phone and are marked on calendars. But DP was snowed under and OP was treating him like an adult. His circus, his monkey unless hevadked gor help, dhich appears not to be the case.

PILs are acting up. A child who works every day and does serious travel should be given a little leeway.

This.

I know you don't do his wife work and applaud you for that.

However given the amount of grief you're getting over this nonsense and to try to avoid it in future, would you consider persuading him to add some recurring calendar appointments into his own calendar for fathers day, birthdays and all the other shit he can't be arsed to remember each time, so an automatic reminder comes up every year?

Why on Earth didn't HIS mother remind him if it was so important to them?

You applaud her for not doing wife work then immediately suggest she do wife work. Why should she persuade her husband to do anything, let alone make a calendar notification for something he clearly isn't arsed over? If he really wants to remember Father's Day or any other day, he'll figure something out. This is all on him.

I think it’s perfectly understandable that FIL is upset. If contact is fairly infrequent then Fathers Day probably is even more important because there’s not the usual frequent displays of affection that are more meaningful.

Look at MN on Mothers Day. Tons of posts with women upset about being ignored or what they consider subpar effort. And usually tons of support from MN posters. So if Mothers Day is valid then so is Father’s Day and if we’re only talking about a poxy phone call then yes, I think it’s very shitty to have missed it.

Also it sounds as if the response wasn’t particularly apologetic and was quite casual, which is doubly shitty.

Not your job though OP. And unreasonable for them to blame you.

I lost my beloved dad 10 yrs ago and it’s a tough day for me. I think we’re all a long time gone and if you know a small gesture is important to a parent, then it takes nothing to make sure it happens. You might not have a close relationship but close enough for these types of gestures, clearly. But that’s on your DH to make it happen OP, not you.

Because this has clearly affected the OP, and she doesn't want the crazy in-laws getting to her or for this ridiculous situation to happen again, so an adult would take steps to ensure that it won't happen again, therefore a push by OP to encourage her husband to take steps to try and avoid all this shit next year and the year after and for ever more, seems like a small price to pay to get them all off her back.

or she can do nothing as usual and get more grief from third parties next time the husband can't be arsed to remember to do something.

Most marriages are team work. It's not compulsory to lend a helping hand or suggest something that might help, but christ it makes life a lot more pleasant.

Is it wife work? team work? self preservation?

They're clearly bonkers.

If I was your DH I'd be saying "Mum, this is in no way @SecretDeidre 's fault - you do remember she doesn't have a father don't you? Why on earth would she know when Father's Day is, and why is it her responsibility to tell me? The person that DOES have a father?? I'm sorry I forgot, but that's on me, not Deidre!"

Honestly, I can imagine missing Father's Day. I do all my supermarket shopping online and this part of the year is when I have no other birthdays to buy cards for, so I would not easily be exposed to all the father's day advertising. The only reason I did remember was because DH needed some birthday cards and we happened to be together when he bought them and I saw them in the shop.

I do own calendars but we don't have kids of our own, so I only really use them to find out what's going on in the middle of the week for work and to compare use by dates in the fridge!

Doesn't mean I don't love my Dad any less!

Definitely this

These are brilliant.

His parents sound incredibly emotional immature, what a childish thing to do to wait until midnight. I imagine this behaviour is a reflection of their typical behaviours and accounts at least in part for his low contact with them.

My DH has (young) adult children, yesterday two of his children called, his youngest had forgotten, instead of being an arse, my DH just gave him a bell and they have a lovely catch up - that's the way functional grown ups behave.

Completely understand not noticing father's day when you don't have a father/kids.
In fact, it was my DMs birthday yesterday and when trying to book a family brunch we were all really surprised that there were no availabilities - my entire family had forgotten father's day! Realized then that there are literally no fathers in our family - DF passed years ago so myself and my siblings have no father, DBIL passed as well, so nieces and nephews have no father, neither myself or my other sis have kids and our husbands fathers have passed as well!

And also - YANBU! Don't remember wife and admin management being synonyms.

Yup, this.

Well, for all we know, FiL isn't bothered. This all seems like MiL shit stirring.

If it means that much to her, your dp could ask why she didn't invite you over for a meal or something ?

@SecretSoul my sympathies for your loss but you are ascribing your feelings around your parents on to the OP's DP - it sounds that you had a loving relationship with your father and that he warranted care and attention on father's day. Many parents do not behave in this way meaning father/mothers day can be a day which brings up very conflicting emotions for people or a day they don't put value on. From the snapshot of behaviour we have seen from his parents and the history shared by OP it would perfectly reasonable for DP to not celebrate his father on father's day. To me it sounds like he has reasonable boundaries in place to keep himself safe from his parents batshittery!
Oh and OP of course you did nothing wrong!

Yes, they are very emotionally immature. But we don't usually bear the brunt because we're quite low contact, and we're totally independent from them.

There are some horrible posts on this thread.

My dad died many years ago but I do still remember him on Father's Day- just in my head.

I don't think reminding DH is my responsibility as a woman and I have never had to remind him, but I know he would be devastated if he forgot and hadn't done something nice for his dad, so I would remind him if he hadn't mentioned it. I wouldn't want him or FIL to be upset- his dad is a nice person and a good dad and grandad.

I'd hate to think either of my two DSs ended up with some of you, who seem to have no humanity or kindness about you.

I used to say something in the fortnight leading up to birthdays, fathers day etc and ask if we needed to get a card etc but if I wasn't asked explicitly to purchase said item didn't do. I did my folks when they were alive, other half still has living relatives so does theirs. If they remember!

I never said it was 'normal' but just because PIL are a bit bonkers doesn't mean you behave the way some on here suggest.

It’ll be easier for your FIL to believe that you forgot Father’s Day rather than face up to the fact his son didn’t remember.

Of course it wasn’t your place to remind him.