.... to not be that fussed about FIL being "absolutely devastated" because I didn't tell DP about fathers day?

[SecretDeidre]

Neither me nor DP registered that yesterday was fathers day.

Ergo, DP's dad didn't get the usual perfunctory phone call.

At midnight, DP received a text from his mum saying "Thanks for taking the time to call dad on fathers day".

This morning DP replied saying he hadn't realized but will call later this week.

An exchange ensued where the upshot is that DP's dad is "absolutely devastated" and DP should've known it was fathers day because I should've told him so

I'm disproportionately pissed off.

For context:
> I don't have a dad, ergo fathers day has never remotely been on my radar.
> I don't do wife work and PILs are fully aware of this.
> DP doesn't do cards, gifts or similar so wouldn't have actually sent anything to FIL - he'd have just called him.
> DP has been working 7-day weeks and in/out of the country for the last month or so which is why fathers day didn't register.
> DP and FIL aren't particularly close. We see them once or twice a year, DP speaks to them once a month or so.

AIBU to not give a shit because its not my circus, not my monkeys?

They sound absolutely insane, surely by the time you have adult chidren you stop caring? Especially as they don't seem involved day-to-day in your life?

You two sound like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. Nice parents would appreciate how tired your husband must be travelling and working all the time and realise the reason behind why he didn't call.

Them causing a drama seems OTT as it is but making it out it is your fault - absolutely YANBU. Since when was it your job on behalf of another perfectly capable adult to manage matters for his parents?! 🤯 If they should be upset with anyone it should be their adult child, not you, they are not your parents!

I think your partner sounds like a bit of a shit and I'd watch that as time goes on.
If he sees his parents as "extended family" what does that make you? You're not even married to him!

You don't need to be married to someone to be family.

Also, sorry OP I wrongly assumed "husbad" and now can't edit. Apologies.

@ChurchCats Watch what exactly?
If he sees his parents as "extended family" what does that make you? You're not even married to him!
Err, his chosen life partner. We are married.
"Extended" seems pretty fair - we see them once or twice a year, and he speaks to them once a month-ish. So not exactly close. Far more "extended" than me 😅

@Greenlittecat

That's true but as his parents are connected to him by blood and law and the OP by neither, I think she should be wary.
Not that it's anyone's business but I wonder who is the one dragging their feet about getting married. It's usually, if not always, one or the other.

@SecretDeidre

Oh, Ok. Rightio.
Most people say wife or husband when they are married, as partner means something else.

Clearly, having a chat on Fathers Day was not what was important to FIL/MIL.

Catching your DP out in having forgotten, scoring a point, was important. Getting to play the hurt victim was important.

Otherwise one of them would have texted and asked if he'd remembered, and had a chat/catch up with him.

Waiting until midnight in order to be able to say 'you forgot, you bad people' and cast blame... thats very petty, shitty behaviour.

I'm actually with PIL on not reminding offspring about occasions. If they can't be bothered to remember then it doesn't mean anything anyway.

However, they were unreasonable for the midnight text and for blaming OP.

This is the relationship they have built with their son, no point crying about it now.

Shouldn't expect you to. However, DC (2 of whom are legal adults) forgot father's day and it's really rather hurtful. He took them away at the weekend (something he was doing for them and many men wouldn't have done). He does so much for them. They just don't realise and take it for granted. It maybe that your DH feels not close to his father, but it may also be that his father made choices and did things for him that he did not realise. It's only in recent years that DH sees some of the things his dad did for him (though he would never have forgotten Father's Day).

That's a really interesting perspective, thanks for sharing!

I love my dad and I enjoy spending time with him so it wouldn't cross my mind not to make a fuss on fathers day (and every other week when i see him) but I've never considered it from his point of view before.

I suppose what it comes down to is you get out of your relationship what you put in. Ops FIL only sees his son a couple of times a year and they chat montly so mahbe they have different expectations (?)

@Greenlittecat DH and oldest DC only talk on phone every few weeks when latter away at university and they are not close the way I was with my dad but DH has done SO much for him. I'm upset at myself for not reminding them, but I had discussed with them a couple of weeks ago. Also hurtful when I know of people missing their dads, including myself and DH.

I should have clarified not that most men wouldn't taken DC away for the weekend, but for that reason (I didn't want to give the full story as it is outing).

There is such a thing as Google calendar reminders, busy or not he should have made the call

In one house we each take car of our famiky’s
side of things for birthdays etc so your DH probably should have contacted his dad but that’s not down to you…

Thats ridiculous. Not your fault or problem. My view is its no more important than the other 364 days in the year. If mil was so concerned why didnt she prempt it with a quick msg to her son a couple of days before. We are of course talking about adults here arn't we ? A bit of sensitivity from the elders here wouldnt go amiss either.(mil speaking here)

Believe it or not, not everyone uses their phone calendars. Just because you and your husband sit down every Sunday morning to go through yours doesn't mean that other people are idiots.

Other people can have different systems you know 😂

Bonkers!
I reminded my DS (20), in fact he mentioned it as his friend was going to get present for his dad so when we went out I reminded him to get a card. That was it! I stopped buying cards for dh’s family bdays a long time ago. I don’t want any truck with that these days.

Well obviously not fathers day at least. I guess you don't have kids so it flew over your head. SOrry NRTFT

Unless they were awful parents I feel sorry for them but I’m a bit surprised that they have any expectations at all as by the sound of it your DH hasn’t really bothered much for years. I’m just wondering why you are giving this so much space in your head as they seem completely unimportant to you generally?

‘Oops. Sorry. Forgot… I’ll call him now’

There you go, no drama, no mud slinging, no saying things that didn’t need to be said. You wouldn’t have been involved or upset. A quiet, simple, easy solution for your DP.

Instead he decided to enter an exchange ladened with excuses which dragged you into his misdemeanour with his mother and father.

Maybe a suggestion to his mother… that she should have nudged him a little earlier than midnight.

Agreed. Not your circus, not your monkies.

Agree! If SIL is doing this deliberately, I am slightly in awe of her.

The gift from SIL are amazing.
It takes some effort to gift such bad gifts.
She is doing it on purpose.....
I love her.

“Two kittens” 😂😂😂😂

you hit the nail on the head - not your circus not your monkeys.

Your DP is I assume capable of reading a calendar. Not on you to remind him in the slightest