.... to not be that fussed about FIL being "absolutely devastated" because I didn't tell DP about fathers day?

[SecretDeidre]

Neither me nor DP registered that yesterday was fathers day.

Ergo, DP's dad didn't get the usual perfunctory phone call.

At midnight, DP received a text from his mum saying "Thanks for taking the time to call dad on fathers day".

This morning DP replied saying he hadn't realized but will call later this week.

An exchange ensued where the upshot is that DP's dad is "absolutely devastated" and DP should've known it was fathers day because I should've told him so

I'm disproportionately pissed off.

For context:
> I don't have a dad, ergo fathers day has never remotely been on my radar.
> I don't do wife work and PILs are fully aware of this.
> DP doesn't do cards, gifts or similar so wouldn't have actually sent anything to FIL - he'd have just called him.
> DP has been working 7-day weeks and in/out of the country for the last month or so which is why fathers day didn't register.
> DP and FIL aren't particularly close. We see them once or twice a year, DP speaks to them once a month or so.

AIBU to not give a shit because its not my circus, not my monkeys?

Yes, exactly. How pass-agg of the MIL not to just send a jokey text saying ‘you haven’t forgotten have you?’
I hate this shit where someone leaves you to mess up or ‘fail’ and then criticises you for it. It was the dynamic in my family too and it’s really unsupportive and damaging.

Fuck em, OP.

It would seem that MIL ceded the role of 'chief reminder' to me once I became the main female human in DP's life 😳

No idea.

BIL usually sends a generic gift in the post.
SIL usually organizes a grand gesture for them but does it on the cheap so its quite shit and/or only organizes half of it so it actually saddles PIL with more work. That's a whole other thread.

Your OP said you were feeling disproportionately annoyed. I don't think it's disproportionate at all. It's fucked up of them to blame you for this at all- but when you've lost your own dad it's just horrible. As a pp said - fuck them! I would be making sure your DH tells them off for this though

How the heck am I in the wrong here? 🙄

Thank you. I think what I meant by "disproportionately annoyed" is that its annoyed me at all. I'd have liked to just shrug and laugh it off but its lodged in my head and I can't get rid.

Yanbu. Not your responsibility. People have phone calendars and he can set himself an alarm for next year

Yes, but when your father has died you opt out of those emails, they can be quite a hurtful reminder

Please start a new thread with this story, sounds entertaining 😃

They are CF's...fortunately you see little of them.
As to Fathers day being everywhere, I missed it but my children knew and mentioned it to me.
I listen to the radio, no tv and missed it.

yes, that's why I also referred to 'or the emails...asking if you don't want to be reminded.' Personally I don't find them helpful, as most shops only send 1 email about father's day anyway, so either way it's 1 email reminding you about it. I appreciate if you opt out of that specific shop you then won't get reminded next year, but you'll still get something from places that don't offer the opt-out option, or another shop or organisation you've somehow been added to the mailing list for in the intervening year, so it's just all a bit of a waste of time.

Another advantage of being single. You don't have idiotic inlaws with unreasonable expectations that require other people to compensate for their inability to build relationships.

Mil's priority was slagging you off. She surely had at least 12 hours she could have prompted dh to save fil's feelings...

Oh God, the list is endless.

> Romantic anniversary night away "in London" that turned out to be the Premier Inn in Slough.
> A golfing lesson for FIL who is definitely not a golf person and has serious knee and back trouble, so he ended up off work for a month and shelling out hundreds for physiotherapy.
> Another romantic anniversary night away inexplicably in Glasgow [which is about 350 miles from where they live and not somewhere they've ever particularly wanted to go] staying at the very classy-sounding "Rennie Mackintosh Hotel" which was actually a homeless hostel.
> A cheap hot air balloon ride a hundred miles away even though MIL is terrified of heights.
> A home-made poster with all pictures of their grandkids which looked like it'd taken about twenty minutes to put together and was half the size of their living room wall.
> Two kittens.

Terrible stuff. I could go on....

Is this the same for birthdays?
I presume that gets remembered.More important in my opinion than fathers day.
Not the right way to go about texting you anyway.
She was obvs upset but her approach was wrong.
People should learn more tact.

Well, as PIL are clearly the sort of people who expect their son to remember Father’s Day, if he wants a relationship with them he should have remembered.

I hope I am never considered ‘extended family’ by my own children to the extent I don’t get a card/present/text on special days.

So actually, his response should have been ‘so sorry, I forgot, I have been so busy and stressed, again, really sorry’ and then to phone them asap and repeat the apology. Which, if it was felt to be genuine (preferably because it was) should have led FIL to calm down and not even mention you.

Obviously, it is nothing to do with you. But I agree with the previous poster that they are blaming you as it is easier than blaming themselves for having brought up an unsatisfactory son.

And if it was my DH, I wouldn’t be terribly impressed with him in this situation. Because whilst I might understand the forgetting (you know his circumstances best) the apology does not sound great.

Tell them real men don't get worked up about Hallmark Holidays.

Why should OP realise? FIL is not her dad.

I get on well with my PIL and I have never got involved with their cards or occasion gifts, DH sorts it all.

I do buy things for them that I think they will like, but those are impromptu gifts given at random times, PIL are grateful and don't expect them.

I also managed to miss that it was Fathers' Day yesterday until DH mentioned something fairly late on.

(Have opted out of emails, noted that Fathers' Day was coming up from shops but didn't register the actual date).

I may be projecting here, but is this a case of the in-laws using you as a convenient scapegoat for their bad relationship with DH? Much easier to blame any relationship issues on you, than admit that they might just actually not get on that much.

If your MIL actually cared about your FIL and it wasn’t about point scoring, she would have reminded him far earlier in the day so he could do something about it.

I may be projecting here, but is this a case of the in-laws using you as a convenient scapegoat for their bad relationship with DH? Much easier to blame any relationship issues on you, than admit that they might just actually not get on that much.

That's what I thought too.

Not your fault. You're not your DP's administrator.

@TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment Well, quite 😉

@PassingStranger He mostly remembers his parents' birthdays but I think that's because him, his mum and his dad have the same birth date three consecutive months running so its quite easy!

@NamechangeMay24 Well that basically was his reply. He said he'd forgot because work had been so manic, he'd been traveling so much, and he'd call once he was back in the UK later this week. He'd assumed that'd get his dad over the "absolutely devastation" but apparently not.

IMO it's your responsibility to be involved in fathers day for:

1. Your own father/father figure/person who you feel is that role to you, IF you want to/IF they exist

2. Your partner/children's father, if your children are young enough to not be able to do that for themselves/with help (and if the father is actually in their lives/a good father)

3. Your partner/a loved one/a friend who you are close to and you know will be struggling missing a deceased father on that day-in terms of it would be a nice thing to tell them you're thinking of them

Other than that-not your circus, not your monkeys!

This is why these stupid days should be banned.
It puts all sorts of pressure on people. Everybody's expectations are different.
We all have a birthday just stick to that.