.... to not be that fussed about FIL being "absolutely devastated" because I didn't tell DP about fathers day?

[SecretDeidre]

Neither me nor DP registered that yesterday was fathers day.

Ergo, DP's dad didn't get the usual perfunctory phone call.

At midnight, DP received a text from his mum saying "Thanks for taking the time to call dad on fathers day".

This morning DP replied saying he hadn't realized but will call later this week.

An exchange ensued where the upshot is that DP's dad is "absolutely devastated" and DP should've known it was fathers day because I should've told him so

I'm disproportionately pissed off.

For context:
> I don't have a dad, ergo fathers day has never remotely been on my radar.
> I don't do wife work and PILs are fully aware of this.
> DP doesn't do cards, gifts or similar so wouldn't have actually sent anything to FIL - he'd have just called him.
> DP has been working 7-day weeks and in/out of the country for the last month or so which is why fathers day didn't register.
> DP and FIL aren't particularly close. We see them once or twice a year, DP speaks to them once a month or so.

AIBU to not give a shit because its not my circus, not my monkeys?

Yes, this. My MIL and FIL remind my DH about stuff like this. Certainly I don't.

Surprised that anyone could miss Father's day with all the advertising that goes on around any special day. Your FIL's feelings were hurt, your husband should call, wish him a belated happy Father's day and maybe explain about the excess work he had just completed.

FIL probably doesn’t actually give a shit and it’s your MIL being a drama queen!

Maybe they're hurt, how hard would it have been for your husband to phone his Dad up on Father's Day, if my children didn't I would be upset and pissed off.

Just get DH to reply to his mum with I’ve put it on my diary for next year ( as in DH has put on diary). He could add DW has never registered Father’s Day as she doesn’t have one
I get why your irked but it’s not worth the headspace especially as DH agrees with your stance

I have children, i have no father. I didnt know it was fathers day until yesterday when I saw a predictable thread about missing it somewhere on here.

If it doesnt matter to me, I dont notice,
See mothers day, same thing, I dont have one, I don't know when it is. My children bring me something and then I know on the day.

I agree life is too short for this sort of nonsense, but by OP being the one to organise him calling his DF, this is again a woman being expected to sort it out.

if it wasn't for the fact that I checked the date for this month's ago I wouldn't have remembered the exact date. I literally went out of my way to make a note of it, and I didnt notice the the usual fathers day bits in the supermarkets this year .. it's not impossible to miss.

This is the key thing. You and DP don’t have children, so there’s absolutely no reason for you to have mentioned it to him.

Having said that, I think it’s pretty rubbish of your other half to have not remembered and not even sent his dad a text. He does have a dad, so he needs to remember Father’s Day. Unless they’ve decided they’re not going to ‘do’ Father’s Day, which they obviously haven’t or his dad wouldn’t have been upset. So I can see why he’s annoyed, but it’s nothing to do with you.

I see why they aren’t close…. It is easier to blame you than to reflect on the state of their relationship with their son.

Then your DP needs to set his parents straight about what is and isn't likely to happen going forwards:
"Hi Parents, just so you're aware, while you may have a different idea of what @SecretDeidre is supposed to do in relation to births/marriages/deaths and other forms of Hallmark celebrations, she is not and will not be keeping tabs on Mother's/Father's Day along with any of the other bits and bobs that happen throughout the year. She is my partner and not my secretary or personal assistant. I have been particularly busy these past number of weeks and as they say "Time flies when you're having fun" so I didn't realise the time of the year either. I look forward to our upcoming phone call where I can explain in more detail if you so wish, all the best, DP of @SecretDeidre"

Or something like that.

Just to add - your DP's father has little to be worried about if he didn't get a card/gift/phone call on one day that is a Hallmark day (in my opinion anyway).

It's really shitty because I don't believe for a second that your DH having a 'FT job' means he's unable to pick up the phone for 5 minutes today, apologise for not calling yesterday and wishing him a happy fathers day. Saying he'll just call whenever is likely to compound the upset.

Having said that it doesn't sound like you or your DH like or care about his parents at all and relations already sound very strained. I'm looking at this through my own lens, of a very happy family, where my dad would be hurt at being forgotten and if I forgot I'd be mortified and make a bug fuss of him as soon as I possibly could. My mum, though, in this situation, would send me a quick text to remind me so I could call him on the day not wait till midnight for a little point scoring exercise. She wouldn't want him to feel upset any more than I would. Theres obviously a lot more going on here that just this one missed fathers day. It all sounds very dysfunctional

I can see how he missed it. My DH only realised Father’s Day on the weekend when he picked up our daughter from nursery and her keyworker handed him a card she had made for him. I nearly forgot too, and I’d already bought him a card and some food treats. If you are harassed and busy it’s easily done.

LTB.

I share the outrage about the assumption that you should have done the wife work of reminder your husband. I agree with your position that you are not FIL's child or DH's secretary.

That said, your DH sounds like a bit of a prick. Rightly or wrongly, FIL is upset that he didn't call, but DH is going to wait a few days to call him out of principal because he's annoyed about the tone of MIL's email? And he "doesn't do" cards or gifts to "extended" family (in whose world is a parent extended family?)

He sounds like a stubborn, lazy pain in the arse.

I don't see why.

If PILs are anything like certain members of my husband's family, then the fact that others have feelings too - not least that their entire worlds don't revolve around them personally - probably wouldn't even occur to them.

Do them good.

@SecretDeidre
Unless your MIL brought out the “well, when your dad’s not here anymore…” she’s a complete amateur.
lol

It’s not ur job to remind him however I really doubt neither of you knew as it was all in shops and online . Yes FIL is being over dramatic to say he’s “devastated”. However ur DH should have phoned him the next morning instead of saying he will call in the week. Is he so busy and important he can’t even make a 5 min call to his own father ? My own father has sadly passed away and I would do anything to speak to him for 5 mins ! I still know it’s Father’s Day and make efforts for my husband and FIL x

I disagree. I would go to war over this. My DM is dead. If my FIL had a go at me because DH forgot Mother’s Day I would hit the roof. I would remind him that my DM is dead. How dare he be so cruel to suggest I’m supposed to remind DH it’s Mother’s Day when I have no mother of my own to share it with.

OP is well within her rights to give her MIL both barrels.

PIL were like this, they’d purposefully wait and then tell you after an event that they were disappointed we hadn’t “made the effort” to take them somewhere / tell them something etc etc. So depriving themselves of the enjoyment of something just so they had something to bitch to us about. It was exhausting and I can’t imagine choosing to live your life with so much anger and resentment instead of picking up the phone and just saying “we’d really love to go to such and such a place with you, shall we arrange it?” You know, like normal people.
MIL has since passed, and she missed out on so much by simply refusing to communicate properly with us. Perhaps she enjoyed the drama of it all. We’ll never know.

What a fuss over nothing and to wait until midnight to make a point is just petty. This reminds me of my cousin; I'd been working on a really tough project all day for my work, was totally exhausted so came home, ran a bath and went for an early night. As I was coming out the bath I remembered it was my cousin's birthday so text her and thought nothing of it. I was woken up by the phone ringing at 11pm; it was my dad to say that my cousin had called him in tears because I'd forgotten her birthday (her 41st birthday). It was mid week, we had a family meal out planned for the Saturday and I'd already told her she would get her present then. But I'd ruined everything because I'd forgotten to text her until 9pm.

Never mind that I'd spent hundreds of pounds organising and throwing her a massive 40th party the year before (including a bloody slide show) or that she'd got the card from me as I'd posted it off on time, no, I was persona non grata because I'd not text her until 9pm and SHOCK HORROR hadn't even left a Facebook message (I hadn't been on it all day due to being busy at work).

Classic narcissistic behaviour -"I'm the main character" vibe. She made a massive song and dance and worse, months and months later on my birthday she actually presented me with two cards, in front of her family, my DP and my parents, which said something like "sorry I forgot your birthday" inside she had written "not like mine!" Or something similar. I've forgotten now. But it was so so so petty. Almost a year later and she did that. I didn't even know how to react I was so shocked. Anyway we no longer speak. Narcissistic family members are definitely the worst.

You can't fail to notice it's father's day nowadays, unless you live under a rock. Advertising is everywhere

I only noticed that it was father's day, on the day, because various people on fb were posting about it. If I didn't have social media like the OP I'd have been none the wiser.
That aside, it wasn't her responsibility.

I'm 55, my father hasn't been in my life for 35 years and was barely in it for the 10 years before that....so 'Father's Day' has never been a thing for me.

I also don't have children so give less than a flying fuck about it or Mother's Day...I also don't do 'wife work' so if my partner's father expected me to remind him about it I think I'd die laughing...I also - after 15 years - can never remember when the racist homophobic Brexit voting twat's birthday is.

Because I don't, never have, never will CARE.

Sounds like a drama queen with nothing else better to do with his time.