.... to not be that fussed about FIL being "absolutely devastated" because I didn't tell DP about fathers day?

[SecretDeidre]

Neither me nor DP registered that yesterday was fathers day.

Ergo, DP's dad didn't get the usual perfunctory phone call.

At midnight, DP received a text from his mum saying "Thanks for taking the time to call dad on fathers day".

This morning DP replied saying he hadn't realized but will call later this week.

An exchange ensued where the upshot is that DP's dad is "absolutely devastated" and DP should've known it was fathers day because I should've told him so

I'm disproportionately pissed off.

For context:
> I don't have a dad, ergo fathers day has never remotely been on my radar.
> I don't do wife work and PILs are fully aware of this.
> DP doesn't do cards, gifts or similar so wouldn't have actually sent anything to FIL - he'd have just called him.
> DP has been working 7-day weeks and in/out of the country for the last month or so which is why fathers day didn't register.
> DP and FIL aren't particularly close. We see them once or twice a year, DP speaks to them once a month or so.

AIBU to not give a shit because its not my circus, not my monkeys?

@SecretDeidre Absolutely YANBU. you PIL are very unreasonable

Yes, your DH is an idiot because every phone calendar App has Father's Day noted on it for yesterday.

However, his ambivalence about sending his dad a Father's Day card or making a phone call is not your problem to solve, although what's he like in general?

Does he share household admin tasks such as sorting out the mortgage/rent payments, house and car insurances, utility bills, etc.?

I sit down with DH on a Sunday morning and go through our calendars and check we know what's coming up that has to be dealt with and then we divvy up the jobs.

Visions of the MIL clock watching so she can send the message bang on midnight

Yanbu

Remembering the time my Dh was driving us to a family party and started feeling really rough so had to turn round. He asked me to phone his dad to say we couldn't make it and FIL took the hump and hung up the phone on me. You just have to laugh really. Some people never grow out of tantrums

You sound delightful! Thank goodness you're not either of my DILs!

They're both lovely and kind hearted. 😁

My DH remembered on Friday and hastily sent a Funky Pigeon card and called his Dad yesterday.

I knew it was Fathers Day as I knew the adult children had sorted a card etc.

It didn't cross my mind to remind DH as my Dad died 2 years ago. Same as he doesn't remind me about Mothers Day - his Mum is no longer with us.

Neither of us blame each other, don't care what FIL thinks. And neither of us use phone calendar apps.

You could ask DP to remind his parents that you're not his mum and he doesn't get reminders from you about this made up shit

Out of interest, do the in-laws remember you on your birthday, Xmas etc?

@easylikeasundaymorn
Any emails about fathers day must've all just gone into my "Promotions" folder in Gmail that I never look in. I don't use my phone calendar. Even if I did get some promotional stuff, I don't think its register and lodge in my brain because its irrelevant to me.

No, DP wasn't particularly apologetic at all because his was pissed off with the sarcastic message at midnight implying that they'd stayed up until the very last minute of fathers day in anticipation of a phone call. After that message DP wouldn't have called today anyway (stubborn), but he's traveling again now anyway.

@WappityWabbit He "doesn't do" cards or presents for extended family and has made this very clear to them 😅
He calls his parents on their birthdays and on mothers/fathers day and that's it.
All life admin is split 50/50.

@crockofshite Yes, MIL always sends wine on my birthday and puts together a hamper for us at Xmas.

My late PILs were also lovely and kind hearted. I had no problems with them and they thought I was delightful (thanks!). I’ve been with their son 25 years. Had kids, PILs loved them also.

However, OP’s PILs sound like nasty arseholes so I’ll happily call them out as such.

Nothing to do with you but he’s allowed to be upset his son forgot to call him on Father’s Day to be honest 🤷🏻‍♀️

They're both lovely and kind hearted

I'm fucking delightful, but would be way less so, if PILs started blaming me for not reminding DH about his family events.

My husband and I are a team and we remind each other of important days, although he never needs reminding of Father’s Day.

You’re not being unreasonable to be annoyed at getting the blame though. The responsibility is your husband’s.

Nothing to do with you.

MIL was unnecessarily rude and passive aggressive. I can understand FIL feeling sad, but then it's on his son.

Yanbu at all.

Based on their own bonkers logic of everything being a woman's responsibility, why didn't MIL remind DH?!

"Son don't forget to call your Dad tomorrow"

Easy as that. They want women to do everything? Lead by example, MIL

[My own PILs are nothing like this and are lovely and have much higher expectations of their own son than of me!]

Yes, this.

At any point during the day, MIL could have dropped her son a quick reminder, if she and FIL were that invested. But no, she chose the passive-aggressive sarky midnight text, for maximum annoyance spread across the whole family. And FIL is now working himself up to be "absolutely devastated" as well? Some people really go around trying their hardest to get offended.

Personally, I'm doing my best to train my DC (especially DS19) to put birthday reminders in their diaries, along with Father's Day etc, and instill the need to send a card and/or phone up. I've done too much reminding and enabling over the years, and it's time to train them to be functional adults. If they forget Mother's Day in the future then honestly I'll feel like that's a failure of mine for not bringing them up to be organised and considerate. (Or possibly a sign that our relationship isn't that great.) Your PIL need to take a look in the mirror.

It's easier to blame you than it is for them to admit they have a shit relationship with their child due to the way that they brought him up.

You sound delightful! Thank goodness you're not either of my DILs!

They're both lovely and kind hearted. 😁

What does this mean? That your DILs remind your SONS to phone on Mother's/Father's day/Birthdays/christmas? Or do the DILs do the full Wife-Work and do ALL the present buying, card writing and sending, all the organising of family do's... whilst your actual SONS do fuck all FOR YOU?
Lovely. I'd rather get nothing, than get nothing from my Son but loads from my DIL.

YANBU, honestly I am somewhat impressed by some individuals Olympics level mental gymnastics to make everything someone's fault.

You are both in the wrong.

He should have phoned his father.

You can't fail to notice it's father's day nowadays, unless you live under a rock. Advertising is everywhere. It's not your fault because it's not something you need to acknowledge but your partner is thoughtless, a small phonecall wouldn't have hurt! The way people don't give a shit about their parents worries me as a parent. Makes me feel sad!

Did they bother to call their Dad?

He’s not OP’s father though so why is she in the wrong?

Your DP should specifically tell his mum to think about this and add "if I forget father's day some year's that's my responsibility. Don't blame SecretDeidre out of some kind of sexist idea that I outsource all outside-of-work life management to her"

You can't fail to notice it's father's day nowadays, unless you live under a rock. Advertising is everywhere.

But it starts far too early. An awareness it's coming up in the next month or so doesn't necessarily translate into remembering which specific day it's going to be.