.... to not be that fussed about FIL being "absolutely devastated" because I didn't tell DP about fathers day?

[SecretDeidre]

Neither me nor DP registered that yesterday was fathers day.

Ergo, DP's dad didn't get the usual perfunctory phone call.

At midnight, DP received a text from his mum saying "Thanks for taking the time to call dad on fathers day".

This morning DP replied saying he hadn't realized but will call later this week.

An exchange ensued where the upshot is that DP's dad is "absolutely devastated" and DP should've known it was fathers day because I should've told him so

I'm disproportionately pissed off.

For context:
> I don't have a dad, ergo fathers day has never remotely been on my radar.
> I don't do wife work and PILs are fully aware of this.
> DP doesn't do cards, gifts or similar so wouldn't have actually sent anything to FIL - he'd have just called him.
> DP has been working 7-day weeks and in/out of the country for the last month or so which is why fathers day didn't register.
> DP and FIL aren't particularly close. We see them once or twice a year, DP speaks to them once a month or so.

AIBU to not give a shit because its not my circus, not my monkeys?

YANBU

MIL sounds like a bit of a drama queen!

It's the PA waiting til midnight that gets me. If she actually wanted FIL to get a call, message before it's too late. It's point scoring pure and simple afterwards.

Nothing to do with you however your dp needs to consider that actually his dad holds a lot of weight on that phone call and they should probably try to put together some semblance of a better relationship- more calls or visits or the like

I was only vaguely aware of it myself (the real father figure in my life who I celebrated the day with was my grandad, and he died in 2013, so it hasn't been a thing for me for a long while) and only consciously realised the date on Sunday when I saw something that someone I went to school with put on Facebook. So I can see how it didn't register with your partner.

Really it's between your partner and his parents, it's not up to you to remind him, so I don't think you were unreasonable here. (if your mother in law thought he needed reminding, she had the option to quietly text him herself at a sensible hour rather than that message at midnight). As for whether your partner calls his father pretty quickly or leaves it a few days, again that's for him to handle himself and up to him when he does it.

Love this! I wonder if he'll still be the same next Fathers' Day though, or whether he'll put a reminder in his own calendar for following years? 🌹

Pretty fucking hard considering he wasn't aware it was happening. That's the whole point

As I said upthread, DP was up yesterday at 4:30am so not sure they'd have appreciated a call then. Then he was traveling all day. Now he's abroad with work. So time differences coupled with tiredness coupled with busyness means that "picking up the phone for 5 minutes" isn't possible until later this week.

@SecretDeidre

^Oh God, the list is endless.

> Romantic anniversary night away "in London" that turned out to be the Premier Inn in Slough.
> A golfing lesson for FIL who is definitely not a golf person and has serious knee and back trouble, so he ended up off work for a month and shelling out hundreds for physiotherapy.
> Another romantic anniversary night away inexplicably in Glasgow [which is about 350 miles from where they live and not somewhere they've ever particularly wanted to go] staying at the very classy-sounding "Rennie Mackintosh Hotel" which was actually a homeless hostel.
> A cheap hot air balloon ride a hundred miles away even though MIL is terrified of heights.
> A home-made poster with all pictures of their grandkids which looked like it'd taken about twenty minutes to put together and was half the size of their living room wall.
> Two kittens.

Terrible stuff. I could go on....^

Are you sure that DIL isn't arranging these "treats" very tongue in cheek? 🌹

As I said up-thread, he's not calling/ed early this week because he's away. Not out of principle.

He's not lazy or a pain in the arse - quite the opposite. He forgot about fathers day because of how hard he's been working. I'll give you stubborn though 😅

DP very much sees his parents as extended family.

That's not their DIL - it's their bloody daughter 😅Definitely not tongue in cheek, she's completely insane.

She's really tight-fisted but likes to make big grand gestures for presents - hence "Ta da, I booked you a lovely romantic break away" quietly followed by a realisation that it's actually in a doss house in the arse end of nowhere.

There was a poster on here a while ago who used the phrase, "ooh, let me ask my uterus" or something whenever her DH did this sort of thing. I've never quite had the chutzpah to say that but honestly, this weird idea that women just a) magically know and b) are responsible for telling everyone else never ceases to amaze me. DH Is a LOT better than he used to be. And if I irritably snap back when he's asking me something that I would have to look up instead of HIM looking it up, he takes it well (vs in the old days where he thought I was being unreasonable).

eg a classic example is weekend plans. I put EVERYTHING in the shared calendar. Partly for DH, but also because I'm very busy and life is chaotic and I can't remember things otherwise so it's as much for me. I've lost count of the number of times where Dh has asked me if we have plans for the weekend or come along and expected me to figure out the logistics because he wants to do something. Nowdays, I just snap back at him to look in the calendar and he goes off and does it without whining! So definitely a step forward.

That's hilarious. I couldn't not laugh! 😂

Sorry - I must've missed that one.

I can't remember the full history of DP's mothers/fathers days shenanigans.
> He certainly hasn't sent presents or cards for mothers/fathers day for at least 10 - 15 years.
> We've never visited for mothers/fathers day.
> I think he's just called in previous years if/when he knew it was fathers/mothers day.
> I'm sure he must've forgotten or not known about these days in previous years but I can never remember any drama about it.

Doesn't your dh have have a phone at his Very Important Job?
Bigging him up being unavailable to contact The Real World is selling YOU short op.
You manage a fully functional schedule but dh goes to pot when it matters..

@ThisWorthySwan As far as I can remember, yes.

@Beautifulbythebay Yes, DP has a phone with him but, as I have said up-thread, he's away abroad this week with a big time difference. He's also pretty disinclined to call PILs in a hurry given their drama over this.
ETA: I'm not sure DP's particularly "gone to pot" - he didn't know fathers day was happening and then was traveling the day afterwards. Not exactly "gone to pot" really. 🙃

@SecretDeidre I'm sure he could find 5 mins to call if he wanted to, so being busy isn't an excuse

I can see why FIL was upset to be overlooked, but their response is OTT and I agree not your responsibility to remind DP

He should have a reminder on his phone to ring them on Father's Day. I take it you don't have kids .

It is a big deal. But not your responsibility.

Why didn't his mum remind your DP.

He should ring asap rather than later in the week.

A dad is a dad.

No cards, gifts or similar... Does that include nothing for you? Do his responsibilities stop at his job?

@Beautifulbythebay Of course not.
We don't bother with cards for each other but we go all out for each other and the dog for birthday, Christmas, Easter, and summer annual leave presents. He'll pick up bits and pieces that he sees out and about for me too.

Why did you send FIL a card?!

I guess to keep the peace really with my Husband. And with him I guess . He always accuses me of stuff ( FIL ) such as not sending him birthday/ Christmas card etc , when I have. Anything really to make me feel like shit . So I thought bollocks to making me feel horrible when I’ve not even done anything- hence the card. He really is a nasty person.

@Andthatwasthatshesaid I think you should go NC with FIL and don't send him a card in future! Let DH do it if he wants. Just my tuppence :)