I am getting extremely disappointed with my boyfriend

[Applecake99]

I need some help and advice with my boyfriend, I am getting super frustrated but the most scary part is that I'm getting extremely disappointed with him.

I've reached the point of being too tired to even discuss things with him. I used to try to explain what was making me upset, but now I'm just exhausted. I feel like the person I met a year ago has changed.

Not always, but sometimes, when I talk to my boyfriend, he just ignores me and continues watching TV. When I ask him why he's ignoring me, he says he didn't hear or understand what I was saying. So he decided to ignore me and leave me talking alone instead of asking what I said?

He has become super competitive. I'm not competitive at all, and I don't care if he always wants to win, but it's reached the point where he's constantly telling me to do things his way, and it's exhausting. If I don't know what I'm doing, like fixing something, I'll listen to his recommendations. But sometimes he's telling me how to do my hair, how to cook, and how to make the bed. I'm just exhausted from his comments, and I feel like I do everything wrong.

I know it sounds stupid, but a month ago I started learning how to make pizza dough. I tried a few times but never got it exactly the way I wanted. I was happy with my project; it kept me busy, and it was my thing. A week ago, he also started making pizza, and now he always makes it his way. I'm happy for him, but it made me sad that he took over. I did a lot of research and made a lot of pizza dough, and I was enthusiastic about it, but since he started making them his way, I feel like I have to find another hobby. Not to mention that every time he makes pizza, he says, "This is the best pizza I ever ate," and comments like that just make me sad.

Today I had a terrible backache, I told him that I was going to shower and sleep, and asked him if he could clean the dishes, he said yes, so I went to shower, then I remembered that I left my toothbrush downstairs, and when I went downstairs I saw he put all the dirty dishes in the sink, he left the table dirty, and the floor dirty, I know it's my problem that I cannot sleep leaving the kitchen dirty, some people wouldn't mind and just do the dishes the day after, that's why I always do it myself, I never asked him to do dishes or anything related, but it was just today, (to be specific, the dirty dishes were two plates, one glass, and a pan, something that can be done in less than 3 minutes). I just feel so disappointed, and started washing the dishes myself while crying (he was sleeping in the couch already for a long time)
And no, he was not leaving the dishes to wash the day after, he wakes up with the exact time to shower, get dressed and leave.
or maybe he had the idea that he could wash them tomorrow after work? At 19 when he's back? But he knows me, and knows i wouldn't leave dirty dishes, so he assumed he could leave them there dirty so that i would wash them tomorrow.

Am I being unreasonable here? If so, how would you approach all these little things so I don't get hurt constantly?

If not, how would you handle this, considering that I am extremely tired of discussions?

I always try to talk in a calm way. I don't complain but tell him how his actions made me feel. Still, I don't know who hurt him so much in the past, but he takes every little comment as an attack, so he attacks back, and that's when the nonsense discussions start.

How long have you been together? You do not seem compatible

It sounds very controlling to me. Is this how you want to exist going forwards?

This is him, he doesn't like you and treats you like shit. No amount of talking will make a difference that lasts more than a week or two.
You don't have to stay in a piss poor relationship like this.

Op, just admit to yourself that it's not working, it's never going to work. You're not compatible. It's doomed. It's already over.

Just move on already and stop wasting precious time that you'll never get back.

I would not be able to live with someone who behaved like that. Why are you putting up with it?

We are together for a year,

He's not going to change, this is who he is. If you stay with him you and your kids will all end up being disappointed by his lack of interest and respect for you all. Get out of this relationship OP it has run its course. Life is too short to spend it crying about dishes and pizza dough.

Did he move in with you op?

I would honestly finish it. You sound lovely. He doesn’t.

No, I moved with him, to he's house.

How old are you? Do you really want a lifetime of this? He's showing you who he is, believe him.

You don't need to be with someone who's telling you how to do everything. If it's like this now, what do you think it will be like in ten years time? Because it will escalate.

It's not you, it's him. He's an absolute dick. He doesn't respect you.

What's changed is he's dropped the Mr Nice Guy act and now you can see the real him. And he's ugly on the inside.

You need to ask yourself this - who or what gave you the idea that if a man treats you badly, it's your responsibility to work out why? Who gave you the idea that there is anything deeper going on than, simply, he's not treating you well and you need to move on?

Society does a number on women. We grow up thinking love can conquer all, that if someone we love treats us badly we need to try to fix it (impossible) instead of standing up for ourselves and running for the hills!! It's absolute bullshit, and the older you get the clearer that is.

Would you EVER treat him the way he treats you? No? Of course you wouldn't! It's no way to treat a person. Please, please don't let him treat you like it. You deserve much better.

I wasted so much of my life before I worked that out. Please, be a faster learner than me and ditch this absolute arsehole.

I mean what kind of person fucks up someone else's hobbies, FFS? He can't let you have even one thing for yourself, can he?

Do not be one of those women who desperately cling to a shit relationship only to find themselves absolutely miserable, and usually with a child, five years down the road. You know it's not working, so don't gaslight yourself into staying with him.

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

Is breaking up an option for you?
Ask yourself what are you really asking on here.

Are you trying to find a way to stop this happening in your life, or are you looking for advice on how to cope with living with him?

If it's the former, the answer is to break up with him - you will not change who he is.

If it's the latter, you need to accept that this is who he is and this is the life you are choosing for yourself and stop looking for ways to change him.

So save up on the side and leave asap.
I promise you he will just get worse and worse, men that love their partners do not treat them anything like this.

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

Come on op, he knows it hurts you. You've told him. If he cared.. he would care.

Stop wasting your time trying to make him be kinder to you and give you what you need.. Have some self respect and get him away from you.

He knows you don't like it, he knows they upset you, he doesn't care op, he doesn't like you, you are there to clean up after him, make his life a bit easier, to do the things he doesn't like doing for himself.
He has no respect for you, none! He is not your friend in any way he is just using you.

He knows exactly how much these things hurt you. That's why he's doing them. He enjoys making you feel small and devalued. That's what kind of man he is.

Goodness, read this back to yourself, @Applecake99 !!!

He loves MOCKING you?

This man is toying with you, and you are pretzeling yourself to fall in with his games.

Leave him, please do. If you stay, I can absolutely guarantee that you WILL regret.

Then start working on your self esteem and your boundaries. If you don't, you risk ending up in the clutches of another shitty man who tramples all over you and your wants and needs.

Suggested reading:
The Six Pillars if Self Esteem
Women Who Love Too Much

OP, I voted that you are being unreasonable.

This because, you are writing about how how he undermines you, doesn't respect you enough to answer your questions, and then you basically ask us what should you do to be able to get him to like you again.

What you should be doing is packing your bags and going to live with family, freinds. Hell, just sofa surfing for a while until you can get a deposit together for a flatshare or whatever, would be a huge improvement than living with someone that doesn't respect you and only talks to you if it suits him.

So, cut your losses and move on, now, because surely you do know that,

YOU DESERVE BETTER

He's abusive and pushing your boundaries....is he a lot richer/older than you?

Are you international/from a different country? He will get worse and worse. He will not change. He's a bully. He may be hitting you next to control you.

Have you got money for a rental deposit....even lodging in someone's home? I'd plan to move out without telling him. You can even leave most of your stuff.

You can buy new things later if you're working. Tell your manager and friends and colleagues you're avoiding him so he can't harass you through them.

He WILL NOT CHANGE. As you're in his home you're very vulnerable and he knows that and knows he can bully you. He will get worse. He knows he's hurting you and enjoys it.

My first thought is that you aren't compatible, it doesn't really matter how long you've been together, you can realise this at any stage in the relationship. Sometimes it is around this point (1 year) and when you start living together that you realise you aren't going to work out.

It made me feel genuinely sad when you were writing about the pizza dough. It doesn't sound silly, it's a little project you were doing for yourself and he completely took over and ruined it for you. If he cared for you, he'd suggest doing it with you, as a fun time you could spend together. But no, he did it himself separately and then had the cheek to say it was the best he'd ever eaten... Just awful really.

You're describing the typical narcissistic abuser op. Get away from him ASAP.

If someone makes you their competition, steals your hobbies, controls your choices- they.mean.you.harm.

Leave.
He's a wrong'un

If you ever, ever find yourself saying 'if only only could make them understand why hurtful words are hurtful' you.are.in.an.abusive.relationship.

It's is THE most noticeable element of being with an abuser imo. It's the one thing I would say to 99% of women in abusive households. Because its something they pretty much all experience the feeling of 'if only I could find the right words to make him understand'.

It's YOU that needs to understand: he knows what he is doing. He knows that his behaviour is hurtful. It's SUPPOSED to hurt you. He pretends not to understand so that you think 'maybe I'm the problem'.

Stop explaining your pain to him as if it will change him. Grown people do not need you to explain why their horrible, hurtful behaviour is hurtful. He knows why! He's pulling your pisser! Pretending not know. Enjoying your distress. Because that's what psychopaths and other bullies do to their victims.

Get out of there.