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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am getting extremely disappointed with my boyfriend

221 replies

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:17

I need some help and advice with my boyfriend, I am getting super frustrated but the most scary part is that I'm getting extremely disappointed with him.

I've reached the point of being too tired to even discuss things with him. I used to try to explain what was making me upset, but now I'm just exhausted. I feel like the person I met a year ago has changed.

Not always, but sometimes, when I talk to my boyfriend, he just ignores me and continues watching TV. When I ask him why he's ignoring me, he says he didn't hear or understand what I was saying. So he decided to ignore me and leave me talking alone instead of asking what I said?

He has become super competitive. I'm not competitive at all, and I don't care if he always wants to win, but it's reached the point where he's constantly telling me to do things his way, and it's exhausting. If I don't know what I'm doing, like fixing something, I'll listen to his recommendations. But sometimes he's telling me how to do my hair, how to cook, and how to make the bed. I'm just exhausted from his comments, and I feel like I do everything wrong.

I know it sounds stupid, but a month ago I started learning how to make pizza dough. I tried a few times but never got it exactly the way I wanted. I was happy with my project; it kept me busy, and it was my thing. A week ago, he also started making pizza, and now he always makes it his way. I'm happy for him, but it made me sad that he took over. I did a lot of research and made a lot of pizza dough, and I was enthusiastic about it, but since he started making them his way, I feel like I have to find another hobby. Not to mention that every time he makes pizza, he says, "This is the best pizza I ever ate," and comments like that just make me sad.

Today I had a terrible backache, I told him that I was going to shower and sleep, and asked him if he could clean the dishes, he said yes, so I went to shower, then I remembered that I left my toothbrush downstairs, and when I went downstairs I saw he put all the dirty dishes in the sink, he left the table dirty, and the floor dirty, I know it's my problem that I cannot sleep leaving the kitchen dirty, some people wouldn't mind and just do the dishes the day after, that's why I always do it myself, I never asked him to do dishes or anything related, but it was just today, (to be specific, the dirty dishes were two plates, one glass, and a pan, something that can be done in less than 3 minutes). I just feel so disappointed, and started washing the dishes myself while crying (he was sleeping in the couch already for a long time)
And no, he was not leaving the dishes to wash the day after, he wakes up with the exact time to shower, get dressed and leave.
or maybe he had the idea that he could wash them tomorrow after work? At 19 when he's back? But he knows me, and knows i wouldn't leave dirty dishes, so he assumed he could leave them there dirty so that i would wash them tomorrow.

Am I being unreasonable here? If so, how would you approach all these little things so I don't get hurt constantly?

If not, how would you handle this, considering that I am extremely tired of discussions?

I always try to talk in a calm way. I don't complain but tell him how his actions made me feel. Still, I don't know who hurt him so much in the past, but he takes every little comment as an attack, so he attacks back, and that's when the nonsense discussions start.

OP posts:
SomePosters · 14/06/2024 01:28

You’ve already tried discussing it with him

It’s not that you haven’t found the right magic words to fix him it’s that he is going to suit himself regardless of wether it hurts you

Is this how you’re prepared to live your life or are you going to get some self respect?

Bangwam1 · 14/06/2024 01:33

Pinkbonbon · 14/06/2024 01:21

You're describing the typical narcissistic abuser op. Get away from him ASAP.

If someone makes you their competition, steals your hobbies, controls your choices- they.mean.you.harm.

Leave.
He's a wrong'un

This. Listen to this poster. You’re dealing with a narcissist.

im leaving mine tomorrow after 17 years, don’t be me. Learn everything you can about npd and why you are a target.

SomePosters · 14/06/2024 01:33

I have a male partner and he can be a pain sometimes, he is messy and forgetful and both being neuro diverse it can get challenging sometimes

If I tell him something he has done or said has hurt me then he listens to that and tries to adjust, asks what he can do different in future

He loves me and wants to make me feel loved and happy so if his actions aren’t doing that then he wants to change them

I know people say it’s a trope that the man classist is LTB but that’s because so many women are mind fucked into awful situations that they’re so deep inside they can’t even see how badly they are being treated

SomePosters · 14/06/2024 01:34

Bangwam1 · 14/06/2024 01:33

This. Listen to this poster. You’re dealing with a narcissist.

im leaving mine tomorrow after 17 years, don’t be me. Learn everything you can about npd and why you are a target.

Congratulations on finding your freedom

LifeExperience · 14/06/2024 01:38

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

He understands that he's hurting you. He doesn't care. He won't change; please don't waste any more time with him.

paasll · 14/06/2024 01:42

Leave

Bangwam1 · 14/06/2024 01:42

SomePosters · 14/06/2024 01:34

Congratulations on finding your freedom

Thank you so much! I’m really looking forward to the peace.

stepfordblanket · 14/06/2024 01:49

YANBU but, at best, you’re not at all compatible. I know it’s easier for MN users to say leave him than for you to actually leave (we aren’t the ones with our lives entangled with him) but, truly, the sooner the better. There are men out there who will treat you like a human being but your current boyfriend isn’t one of them. Too many women have wasted their lives trying to change some man who will never change. Don’t be one of them.

Dery · 14/06/2024 01:51

The right partner will boost your confidence, treat you kindly, help you feel secure and valued and, above all, happy. If that’s not what you’re getting from your relationship most of the time, then it’s not the right relationship.

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 04:40

Bangwam1 · 14/06/2024 01:33

This. Listen to this poster. You’re dealing with a narcissist.

im leaving mine tomorrow after 17 years, don’t be me. Learn everything you can about npd and why you are a target.

I hope you are fine, and wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
It's definitely hard to understand how a partner, who's supposed to love and support us, can be like this, hurting us while they smile so we don't figure out what's happening.
What's wrong with people, I could never hurt someone I love. :(

OP posts:
DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 14/06/2024 04:58

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

You want a way to change him from the person he is to a totally different person? No there is no way to do that. You've been together a short time, and it sounds like it's been hard all along. You've picked the wrong man to be with.

pasturesgreen · 14/06/2024 05:08

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?

He knows perfectly well, OP. Time to pack your bags and move out asap. You're not going to change him, however much you try, and if anything he's only going to get worse. Leave now and don't look back.

TookTheBook · 14/06/2024 05:23

He sounds like a controlling selfish dickhead.

You can't change him - it's not worth the effort. He's an adult, you're an adult, don't try and teach him right and wrong, he knows.

Please make plans to leave asap for the sake of your sanity.

parentfodder · 14/06/2024 05:36

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

No there's not. People don't change for other people they only change for themselves. He behaves that way because he doesn't care if he hurts or upsets you . As long as you stay with him this will not change , this is who he is. Also he sounds insecure and he competes so he feels like he's better than you.

Move on and aim higher.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 14/06/2024 05:41

My ex used to neg me all the time - banter - and over the years he wore me
down until I was a shell of myself.
Please just prioritise you and your happiness. Life is so short. Don’t waste it trying to change someone who doesn’t love you. If he did he wouldn’t treat you like that. You know this. Good luck and find a whole new space for yourself and your happiness ! Without him!

Summerhillsquare · 14/06/2024 05:48

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 04:40

I hope you are fine, and wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
It's definitely hard to understand how a partner, who's supposed to love and support us, can be like this, hurting us while they smile so we don't figure out what's happening.
What's wrong with people, I could never hurt someone I love. :(

What's wrong with MEN OP. You sound painfully innocent, bless you, but alas you've encountered the real world of sexism now.

CheekyHobson · 14/06/2024 05:48

From @Pinkbonbon

If you ever, ever find yourself saying 'if only only could make them understand why hurtful words are hurtful' you.are.in.an.abusive.relationship.

This is absolutely true. Anyone of normal intelligence who says they can’t understand why their words or actions hurt you when you explain it in simple terms is abusive and controlling.

They are simply pretending not to get it because that serves their interests better than acknowledging they hurt you.

Thebellofstclements · 14/06/2024 06:09

This is why it's great that you got to know your boyfriend before marriage or children, what he's like after the initial excitement wears off - this time, it turns out he isn't "the one". Gently end the relationship, no dramas, and start again by yourself.
Relationships shouldn't be hard work. External pressures and exhaustion/worries further down the line add pressures but you shouldn't have to strive to make your life partner like/love you. Your natural self should be enough.

Bananalanacake · 14/06/2024 06:10

Why move in so quick, did he pressure you, hopefully you can move out again, could you go back to your place or look for a house share.

TenQLord · 14/06/2024 06:14

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

You both are not well suited. You need someone you are more compatible with.

TypingoftheDead · 14/06/2024 06:19

Simply put, he enjoys hurting you and wants to undermine your confidence. This isn’t going to change or get better (speaking from past experience of knowing men he sounds similar to), so if you don’t want to live like this (and face worse in the future), prepare to leave him.

IVbumble · 14/06/2024 06:19

Love yourself enough today to start this because it's the first step to the rest of your lovely life & will give you the skills to recognise men who just aren't worth it.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

The Freedom Programme Online Course

The Freedom Programme online course. Online version of the Home Study course and Living with the Dominator book by Pat Craven

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Anyotherdude · 14/06/2024 06:19

OP, it sounds as if he’s taking you for granted. The good news is that as he is your “Boyfriend”, and not your Partner or Husband, it should be easy to leave.
He has shown you who he is now…

ChaToilLeam · 14/06/2024 06:21

Did he encourage you to move in with him very quickly, OP? I bet he did. He can control you better that way.

I’m afraid he’s an arse and there’s nothing more to it than that. You need to move out asap. Save money for a room, enlist the support of a friend, move your stuff while he is at work and then block him on all channels.

He is enjoying grinding you down. Get out before be crushes you further and leave it a good long time before you enter another relationship.

rosesandlollipops · 14/06/2024 06:24

He is going to criticise and 'teach' you his way for the rest of your lives. Unless you get out. Living with a critic is so depressing and you will lose respect and love for him. It's honestly not worth staying with a man like this. There are men who will be grateful, encouraging, loving and being you a hot water bottle for your backache having finished the kitchen jobs. Sorry- but do get out.

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