I am getting extremely disappointed with my boyfriend

[Applecake99]

I need some help and advice with my boyfriend, I am getting super frustrated but the most scary part is that I'm getting extremely disappointed with him.

I've reached the point of being too tired to even discuss things with him. I used to try to explain what was making me upset, but now I'm just exhausted. I feel like the person I met a year ago has changed.

Not always, but sometimes, when I talk to my boyfriend, he just ignores me and continues watching TV. When I ask him why he's ignoring me, he says he didn't hear or understand what I was saying. So he decided to ignore me and leave me talking alone instead of asking what I said?

He has become super competitive. I'm not competitive at all, and I don't care if he always wants to win, but it's reached the point where he's constantly telling me to do things his way, and it's exhausting. If I don't know what I'm doing, like fixing something, I'll listen to his recommendations. But sometimes he's telling me how to do my hair, how to cook, and how to make the bed. I'm just exhausted from his comments, and I feel like I do everything wrong.

I know it sounds stupid, but a month ago I started learning how to make pizza dough. I tried a few times but never got it exactly the way I wanted. I was happy with my project; it kept me busy, and it was my thing. A week ago, he also started making pizza, and now he always makes it his way. I'm happy for him, but it made me sad that he took over. I did a lot of research and made a lot of pizza dough, and I was enthusiastic about it, but since he started making them his way, I feel like I have to find another hobby. Not to mention that every time he makes pizza, he says, "This is the best pizza I ever ate," and comments like that just make me sad.

Today I had a terrible backache, I told him that I was going to shower and sleep, and asked him if he could clean the dishes, he said yes, so I went to shower, then I remembered that I left my toothbrush downstairs, and when I went downstairs I saw he put all the dirty dishes in the sink, he left the table dirty, and the floor dirty, I know it's my problem that I cannot sleep leaving the kitchen dirty, some people wouldn't mind and just do the dishes the day after, that's why I always do it myself, I never asked him to do dishes or anything related, but it was just today, (to be specific, the dirty dishes were two plates, one glass, and a pan, something that can be done in less than 3 minutes). I just feel so disappointed, and started washing the dishes myself while crying (he was sleeping in the couch already for a long time)
And no, he was not leaving the dishes to wash the day after, he wakes up with the exact time to shower, get dressed and leave.
or maybe he had the idea that he could wash them tomorrow after work? At 19 when he's back? But he knows me, and knows i wouldn't leave dirty dishes, so he assumed he could leave them there dirty so that i would wash them tomorrow.

Am I being unreasonable here? If so, how would you approach all these little things so I don't get hurt constantly?

If not, how would you handle this, considering that I am extremely tired of discussions?

I always try to talk in a calm way. I don't complain but tell him how his actions made me feel. Still, I don't know who hurt him so much in the past, but he takes every little comment as an attack, so he attacks back, and that's when the nonsense discussions start.

Sorry but he sounds like he has a live in housekeeper, not a girlfriend. I’d be moving out sharpish, this one isn’t worth your time.

You've only been together a year and you're living together... that's where this has gone wrong. You didn't really know him before you moved in. Now you do know him you've realised that you're not really compatible.

Nothing that he's doing is particularly bad... you just don't like the way he runs his life. And that's fine! Go and find someone who is more inline with your way of thinking.

Move out... just go! Get on with your life. Crying over dishes and pizza dough is not the way to live. And next time get to know someone before you move in with them.

Amen, a post to show my young adult daughter to help her set good boundaries before she goes out into the world.
Look after yourself Op🌸

Get rid honey x

Because he doesn't love you, and he's not really your partner, you are just the live in maid and sex provider.

I'm sorry, but you need to stop trying to analyse it and just get out. Spend today looking for a flat and then leave.

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?

You've tried every way you can think of, and you know him best. So I would say that either he's just not capable of understanding that, or he does and he doesn't care. Either way, get him out of your life, stop being permanently exhausted, start enjoying life.

OP you are wanting to change him but you can’t. He won’t change. He might make a small amount of effort for a while, like he did when you first met, but it won’t last. This is what he’s like. This is the true him. He’s not a nice person, please don’t waste any more of your life on him. Get out now.

A year?? That's nothing OP. I am going to yell at you what I wish someone had yelled at me 15 years ago, also a year in, when my husband started behaving like this: LEAVE. LEAVE RIGHT NOW. I have experienced this exact situation.

It's one year, nothing at all. If you don't leave one day you will be in your 30s and wake up (as I have) to find that you can't dress your own child, choose your own furniture, decide where to holiday - at least not without constant criticism. The real kick is that even as you are stopped from making choices about your own children you have to endure constant criticism that all the other mothers can do these things, you just can't because you are shit - and aren't you so very lucky that you have him, an amazing dad, to make up for it? The constant negativity, control, and need to exhibit superiority over you will dominate your life.

You're talking as if he just doesn't understand the impact on you, and if you could just find the right words to explain how not makes you feel then he'd understand and he would stop. He will never stop because he already understands. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's treating you this way on purpose OP, because he wants to and because he can, and he will never change. It gets worse, not better. This is how he behaves when he knows that you can literally just leave at any point. Aren't you frightened to find out how he will behave when you're trapped through shared finances and maybe children? You should be!

He wants a maid, not a partner, and he doesn't respect you.

It'd be a "no" from me.

This. It's not that you're incompatible, it's that he's a nasty, lazy twat who enjoys his little power games over you.

Agree, or 20 years down the road even.... It will stay like this or get worse from now on. Respect yourself and leave him. It might seem scary but better than long years of feeling miserable.

He sounds awful. No need to waste your energy on a person that can't understand absolute basics about you. It shouldn't be hard work to explain to someone why their behaviour is hurtful to you. You shouldn't have to need to persuade someone not to make you feel bad. I know it will feel like a huge upheaval but it doesn't sound like he is bringing you any happiness - quite the opposite. I would start thinking about getting out.

@orangely that is so desperately sad. Are you able to get out? I know people suggest Women's Aid in these situations. I hope you can make a life away from his toxic influence.

Listen to all these posters. You should still be in the honeymoon phase. Instead, he's rude and unpleasant and appears to be treating you like a skivvy. I bet those dishes in the sink would NEVER have been washed by him. You would eventually have had to do them anyway?

I am willing to bet that he is abusive and controlling in other ways. Do any of these resonate:

• You've moved into his house but you have benefited less financially than he has (eg your total expenditure has gone down by 10% but his by 40%)?
• You are doing the cooking/cleaning/shopping and other household tasks?
• Has your non-relationship social life got less? Perhaps he doesn't like you going out or maybe he makes it difficult for you to go out? Do you see your friends/family less often?
• Did you move away from your friends/family to move into his house?
• Have you taken on things to do with his family in terms of organising things, socialising, helping etc?
• If you are unhappy about something, do you feel guilty if you raise it because he gets angry and/or upset? Do you feel sometimes you're walking on "eggshells" so that you don't trigger another outburst?

It’s only been a year. Cut your losses, he’s not worth putting more effort in. He won’t change. He won’t become caring and considerate. Move out, make pizza and find joy in the process. In your next relationship, do not do all the dishes. From the start. Find someone who pulls their weight like a partner.

It’s fine sometimes to move in quickly (eg after 6 months) if things are really going well.

@Applecake99

Do these symptoms ring true for him?

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

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Walk away, block and never look back

You've been together 1 year and it sounds like you've been living together a while. That seems very rushed. You must have hardly started to get to know him before you started living together.

This is not a long term relationship. You are not tied by children or a mortgage. Move out and move on.

It seems like you missed the fun dating and getting to know each other stage and went straight to being his housemaid with benefits.

This sounds exhausting. I think it is time to end this relationship which isn't making you happy.

If it's like this after a year just RUN

And don't rush to move in next time.

How long were you together before moving in together?

You sound completely incompatible.

This relationship doesn’t work and you can either end it now or just waste another year or more and then break up.

Life is too short for this.
Move out, focus on yourself for a few months and then look for someone more compatible.

I don’t know if he ever says he loves you, but:

1. he doesn’t love you
2. he enjoys having someone around who he can always claim superiority over
3. he enjoys having someone around who cleans up
4. he enjoys having sex on tap
5. he enjoys having someone to prove to his mates that he’s in a relationship and is the dominant partner
6. he’s an arse who doesn’t enhance your life

start making plans to move out. And don’t tell him until you are ready to go. And don’t believe him if he promises to change. He couldn’t even keep up the nice guy act for the first year.

I could never hurt someone I love.

there you go. This person does not love you, or even like you. You ask how to make him see his mocking is hurtful. Oh, he knows!

It's been a year, throw this one back.

You're only a year in - the honeymoon period, when he's meant to be showing you his very best side in the hopes you'll stick around. Instead he has shown you contempt, control and unkindness. Ignoring you because he doesn't want to talk or doesn't "understand what you're saying" (yeah, right) - how dare he?!

There's so much potential for this to get worse, especially when you're "stuck" in some way (marriage/children/pets/finances etc). You've already tried to talk to him about these things and are already exhausted (again - a year in - he's on his best behaviour!). No amount of communication is going to change things and you'll grind yourself down trying. You can't make a relationship happy and harmonious all by yourself when he is actively sabotaging that by his actions to compete/challenge/control.

Just thank your lucky stars he has shown exactly who he is and get out as soon as you can. Also, don't think you owe him a long explanation that he'll try and talk his way out of. Just "we're not compatible, I'm going to move out" and get out to a relative, a shared house or whatever you can.