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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am getting extremely disappointed with my boyfriend

221 replies

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:17

I need some help and advice with my boyfriend, I am getting super frustrated but the most scary part is that I'm getting extremely disappointed with him.

I've reached the point of being too tired to even discuss things with him. I used to try to explain what was making me upset, but now I'm just exhausted. I feel like the person I met a year ago has changed.

Not always, but sometimes, when I talk to my boyfriend, he just ignores me and continues watching TV. When I ask him why he's ignoring me, he says he didn't hear or understand what I was saying. So he decided to ignore me and leave me talking alone instead of asking what I said?

He has become super competitive. I'm not competitive at all, and I don't care if he always wants to win, but it's reached the point where he's constantly telling me to do things his way, and it's exhausting. If I don't know what I'm doing, like fixing something, I'll listen to his recommendations. But sometimes he's telling me how to do my hair, how to cook, and how to make the bed. I'm just exhausted from his comments, and I feel like I do everything wrong.

I know it sounds stupid, but a month ago I started learning how to make pizza dough. I tried a few times but never got it exactly the way I wanted. I was happy with my project; it kept me busy, and it was my thing. A week ago, he also started making pizza, and now he always makes it his way. I'm happy for him, but it made me sad that he took over. I did a lot of research and made a lot of pizza dough, and I was enthusiastic about it, but since he started making them his way, I feel like I have to find another hobby. Not to mention that every time he makes pizza, he says, "This is the best pizza I ever ate," and comments like that just make me sad.

Today I had a terrible backache, I told him that I was going to shower and sleep, and asked him if he could clean the dishes, he said yes, so I went to shower, then I remembered that I left my toothbrush downstairs, and when I went downstairs I saw he put all the dirty dishes in the sink, he left the table dirty, and the floor dirty, I know it's my problem that I cannot sleep leaving the kitchen dirty, some people wouldn't mind and just do the dishes the day after, that's why I always do it myself, I never asked him to do dishes or anything related, but it was just today, (to be specific, the dirty dishes were two plates, one glass, and a pan, something that can be done in less than 3 minutes). I just feel so disappointed, and started washing the dishes myself while crying (he was sleeping in the couch already for a long time)
And no, he was not leaving the dishes to wash the day after, he wakes up with the exact time to shower, get dressed and leave.
or maybe he had the idea that he could wash them tomorrow after work? At 19 when he's back? But he knows me, and knows i wouldn't leave dirty dishes, so he assumed he could leave them there dirty so that i would wash them tomorrow.

Am I being unreasonable here? If so, how would you approach all these little things so I don't get hurt constantly?

If not, how would you handle this, considering that I am extremely tired of discussions?

I always try to talk in a calm way. I don't complain but tell him how his actions made me feel. Still, I don't know who hurt him so much in the past, but he takes every little comment as an attack, so he attacks back, and that's when the nonsense discussions start.

OP posts:
Angrywife · 15/06/2024 21:34

How would I handle it?

"You're an arse, I'm outta here, we're finished. See ya!"

supersop60 · 15/06/2024 21:56

OP - he is nasty and he does not love you.
Stop wasting your time and leave.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 15/06/2024 22:13

He's a narcissist and it won't get any better. Don't have children with this man and start making arrangements to leave him.

Toptops · 15/06/2024 22:20

Leave him.
This relationship is very bad news for you.
Go as soon as you can.
Good luck

Greenshed · 15/06/2024 22:29

I know it is probably hard for you to leave, as you say you have moved in with him, so perhaps finding your own place might be difficult; but honestly from your description he sounds very controlling, which is not what a loving relationship is about. You don’t sound at all happy. If this is correct, then he really isn’t worth your time - you are worth so much more. Don’t keep trying to please him, because, from what you have posted, you never will - move on and away.

Horses7 · 15/06/2024 23:29

Dump! Don’t look back as it will only get worse.

dcthatsme · 16/06/2024 08:11

I think you should think hard whether you want to spend your life with someone who makes you feel so bad. It's still early enough to leave quickly before you have spent a huge chunk of your life, had children etc with him. You don't have to be with someone who makes you feel sad and upset all the time. It's only when you've spent more time with someone you begin to know what they're really like. I don't think your boyfriend has changed - he's just showing his true colours and probably stopped making the effort he made when you first met each other.

Orangello · 16/06/2024 09:48

Ah so you're about 8 months pregnant now, after a year together? It is unfortuantely very common for abusive men to rush you into a relationship, living together, babies. It does not mean you need to stay.

Cherrysoup · 16/06/2024 09:55

He’s not competitive, he’s controlling, big difference. You don’t need to stay with him because you are pregnant.

ilovesushi · 16/06/2024 10:14

orangely · 14/06/2024 17:56

Thank you - It's not really a woman's aid situation, I could afford to leave, although it would be very hard in other ways. But I won't leave my children, even half the time, or reduce their quality of life or make them be apart from their dad. I expect that once they've left home (in 15-20 years time) me and husband will go separate ways. It's an odd situation as (probably as for the OP) everything looks ok from the outside, and there isn't any physical abuse or anything that would be easy to explain. It's "just" the constant, every single day rules, criticism, his way or be shouted at and verbally abused. But you'd think he's wonderful and nice if you met us out. And he is... so long as he's getting his way, of course.

Too late for me, this is my life now and I must live it. But definitely not to late for the OP!

@orangely that sounds awful. I really think it would be useful to speak to someone IRL about this preferably a professional. 15 - 20 years is a long long time to walk around on egg shells and surpress your real self and feelings. Too long to live that way. I hope you can find a way out. So so hard when children are involved. I know there are no easy solutions. Don't assume that other people think he is wonderful and you won't be believed. I bet a lot of people can sense his inauthenticity. I hope you can speak to someone. I think it will help you to get an outside perspective. Your normality is probably very far from normal right now. xxx

ClaredeBear · 16/06/2024 13:07

This won’t get any better, there’s no reason for you to stay together so do it sooner rather than later.

Clueless2024 · 16/06/2024 14:41

As everyone else has said, you should cut your losses, move out & bin this wanker.

He is not very nice to you, deliberately! You can cry/be upset/try to discuss your feelings etc until you are blue in the face, but his behaviour & actions won't change because he doesn't CARE about your feelings! Your feelings do not matter. Your opinion does not matter. He has made that ubundantly clear.

The longer you stay in this relationship, the more your self esteem will gradually erode & you will start to think this is "normal". Its not. Do yourself a favour & run for the hills.

TexaSun · 16/06/2024 15:38

Another Peter Pan, can't grow up, no life skills whatsoever. Treats his adult partner like a high school girlfriend...it's nonsense, get out.

He knows you live in his house and will be using that against you in a twisted way. Find your own way, no need for poison like that in your life.

Louisa21 · 16/06/2024 17:34

Leave

AliCB · 16/06/2024 17:58

I feel for you, I really do, but before this controlling narcissist completely depletes your confidence, get out of the relationship, as it sounds like it's very toxic. The sooner you end things the quicker you will gain your self belief back and finding someone who is worthy of putting in the effort that they receive, and a equal partnership.
The reason why I wrote narcissist, is because they gain trust from an empath and then try to take over, eroding your confidence, so you become even more reliant on them. I could be wrong as I'm only going by what you have written, but he doesn't sound like he deserves you at all.

Airspice · 16/06/2024 18:36

This was my ex-husband, 100%, hence the ‘ex’. Your self esteem will only get lower and lower. Please leave now. Hugs x

YourWinter · 16/06/2024 20:08

OP read your first post again.

This relationship isn’t working and it’s time to leave. You’re unhappy more than you’re happy. You can’t change him and you can’t control his behaviour (which is classical narcissism), but you are in control of yours. Life is far too short to stay in the wrong relationship. He’ll just find someone else to treat equally badly. You will meet someone who won’t behave like this man, and you’ll look back and wonder why you tolerated it for so long.

Good luck! This is where you really do have to put yourself first and walk away.

Granjeanne · 16/06/2024 21:10

Dump him and move on with your life

SecludedQueen · 18/06/2024 18:17

Are you really ok with putting up with this for another 15-20 years? Are you happy with a child growing up seeing how he treats you and thinking that's normal and the way to do things? Because I'm telling you now, it could be torture for that child. Are they going to go around on eggshells all the time too? Do you want to erode yourself that much that you will put up with this for any length of time? Please leave now. Yours sincerely, someone who grew up wanting their parents to divorce.

YourDearCat · 19/06/2024 21:56

Bless you, you deserve better. Living under the same roof can be hard but your BF s attitude is unacceptable. Not helping with the dishes is lazy and ignorant, but making Pizza you would expect to be a fun, shared activity. Its unlikely he will change, so he needs to go. Good luck.

keeptryinggirl · 23/06/2024 16:38

Bangwam1 · 14/06/2024 01:33

This. Listen to this poster. You’re dealing with a narcissist.

im leaving mine tomorrow after 17 years, don’t be me. Learn everything you can about npd and why you are a target.

how are you @Bangwam1 ?

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