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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am getting extremely disappointed with my boyfriend

221 replies

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:17

I need some help and advice with my boyfriend, I am getting super frustrated but the most scary part is that I'm getting extremely disappointed with him.

I've reached the point of being too tired to even discuss things with him. I used to try to explain what was making me upset, but now I'm just exhausted. I feel like the person I met a year ago has changed.

Not always, but sometimes, when I talk to my boyfriend, he just ignores me and continues watching TV. When I ask him why he's ignoring me, he says he didn't hear or understand what I was saying. So he decided to ignore me and leave me talking alone instead of asking what I said?

He has become super competitive. I'm not competitive at all, and I don't care if he always wants to win, but it's reached the point where he's constantly telling me to do things his way, and it's exhausting. If I don't know what I'm doing, like fixing something, I'll listen to his recommendations. But sometimes he's telling me how to do my hair, how to cook, and how to make the bed. I'm just exhausted from his comments, and I feel like I do everything wrong.

I know it sounds stupid, but a month ago I started learning how to make pizza dough. I tried a few times but never got it exactly the way I wanted. I was happy with my project; it kept me busy, and it was my thing. A week ago, he also started making pizza, and now he always makes it his way. I'm happy for him, but it made me sad that he took over. I did a lot of research and made a lot of pizza dough, and I was enthusiastic about it, but since he started making them his way, I feel like I have to find another hobby. Not to mention that every time he makes pizza, he says, "This is the best pizza I ever ate," and comments like that just make me sad.

Today I had a terrible backache, I told him that I was going to shower and sleep, and asked him if he could clean the dishes, he said yes, so I went to shower, then I remembered that I left my toothbrush downstairs, and when I went downstairs I saw he put all the dirty dishes in the sink, he left the table dirty, and the floor dirty, I know it's my problem that I cannot sleep leaving the kitchen dirty, some people wouldn't mind and just do the dishes the day after, that's why I always do it myself, I never asked him to do dishes or anything related, but it was just today, (to be specific, the dirty dishes were two plates, one glass, and a pan, something that can be done in less than 3 minutes). I just feel so disappointed, and started washing the dishes myself while crying (he was sleeping in the couch already for a long time)
And no, he was not leaving the dishes to wash the day after, he wakes up with the exact time to shower, get dressed and leave.
or maybe he had the idea that he could wash them tomorrow after work? At 19 when he's back? But he knows me, and knows i wouldn't leave dirty dishes, so he assumed he could leave them there dirty so that i would wash them tomorrow.

Am I being unreasonable here? If so, how would you approach all these little things so I don't get hurt constantly?

If not, how would you handle this, considering that I am extremely tired of discussions?

I always try to talk in a calm way. I don't complain but tell him how his actions made me feel. Still, I don't know who hurt him so much in the past, but he takes every little comment as an attack, so he attacks back, and that's when the nonsense discussions start.

OP posts:
NotTooOldPaul · 14/06/2024 20:36

I know it's my problem that I cannot sleep leaving the kitchen dirty, some people wouldn't mind and just do the dishes the day after,
Relax and leave things. There is far more to life than a clean and tidy kitchen.

ThinWomansBrain · 14/06/2024 20:38

start flat hunting

PrueRamsay · 14/06/2024 20:40

The thing about the dishes makes you sound like an irritating martyr.

The rest of it is just really sad. You really think he doesn’t understand that you are upset by the way he behaves? That he isn’t intentionally hurting you?

Hopefully reading other people’s experiences will open your eyes enough to help you escape this horrible man.

Bangwam1 · 14/06/2024 23:39

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 04:40

I hope you are fine, and wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
It's definitely hard to understand how a partner, who's supposed to love and support us, can be like this, hurting us while they smile so we don't figure out what's happening.
What's wrong with people, I could never hurt someone I love. :(

Thank you. I hope you’re on the path to healing. It’s so hard to explain it to someone who hasn’t experienced it, isn’t it?

We attract them because of our kindness, they want to steal our light and eventually destroy it. He has smirked a few times when something has really hurt me, you can see it in his eyes. I stopp d dressing nicely, I stopped things like singing (which I love)

He likes to do things and say it never happened, makes you feel insane.

As you say, it’s hard to understand. And then you realise you wasn’t crazy, not only are you not crazy but none of his behaviours have been an accident. It’s all just triggering for supply.

I wish you all the healing in the world 💖 thank you for your lovely comment.

orangely · 15/06/2024 07:48

Pinkbonbon · 14/06/2024 20:33

You do realise that that 'just' will fuck your kids up, right? Seriously. For life.

In knowing your household is abusuve and staying, you in turn are perpetuating abuse against your kids. Sorry. But that's a fact.

They will grow up thinking its normal for men to treat women this way and have dysfunctional cruel relationships of their own.

Two parents together and a little extra money does not in any way make up for that. Not remotely.

If you're too chicken to leave even though you can afford too, fine. But don't blame your children for staying. I say 'blame', because that is how they will feel when they are grown and realise you stayed 'for them'. Like it's their fault you ruined your life. And it isn't! It's yours.

It's not too late to spare your kids an abusive home. Find your bloody backbone and get out of there! Give them one safe place away from him and seeing their mother abused.

Sorry if this is harsh but I can't abide people who know their kids are witnessing abuse and whine about not wanting to deprive them of extra time with theur prick of of a father or, extra money. And have the audacity to say its best for the kids!

Either your greedy, selfish or a coward. But you're certainly not staying for your children.

So many woman either unaware they are being abused or unable to leave so I've sod all sympathy for people who know, can, don't and blame their children.

Edited

Stupid comment. I didn't ask for your sympathy or blame my children for anything, not did I technically say I was staying "for" them. If you want to pretend that you know me and my situation to be nasty to a stranger online then that's your prerogative. Go ahead and pretend that leaving very young children with someone controlling for half the week (or more) is easy and fine, that years through court while he lies about me being physically violent to him and neglectful for the sake of not being "greedy" (seriously what the fuck? He earns fuck all, I'd be financially better off if anything) would be easy.

I think we're all just doing the best that we can. I hope my children would understand that as adults. Edit to say: of course it's my fault I've ruined my life. Isn't that obvious? Why would my children think otherwise? Weird comment.

OP, another reason to leave now: so when you try and give well meaning advice to someone in difficulty, random people don't jump up to call you names and blame you for your own abuse.

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 14:20

orangely · 15/06/2024 07:48

Stupid comment. I didn't ask for your sympathy or blame my children for anything, not did I technically say I was staying "for" them. If you want to pretend that you know me and my situation to be nasty to a stranger online then that's your prerogative. Go ahead and pretend that leaving very young children with someone controlling for half the week (or more) is easy and fine, that years through court while he lies about me being physically violent to him and neglectful for the sake of not being "greedy" (seriously what the fuck? He earns fuck all, I'd be financially better off if anything) would be easy.

I think we're all just doing the best that we can. I hope my children would understand that as adults. Edit to say: of course it's my fault I've ruined my life. Isn't that obvious? Why would my children think otherwise? Weird comment.

OP, another reason to leave now: so when you try and give well meaning advice to someone in difficulty, random people don't jump up to call you names and blame you for your own abuse.

Edited

Currently your children are with him the WHOLE week. You're not protecting them from anything. Just making it worse because they see him abusing you.

Chances are when you, the primary target, has moved out, any abuse towards them will be limited. If he's a lazy sod, he won't actually want custody in practice, despite what he might say.

You don't want to go to court? He'll say mean things about you? Yes it'll suck, but -you're a parent. Suck it up!

Why would your children forgive you if they knew you knew you could leave but decided not to because you...didn't want to go to court a few times over the years? We're worried more about your reputation than them?

Your complicit in their abuse and in your own.
You're also now aware that staying will fuck up your children. So you cant use that excuse anymore that it's protecting them - it's not.

Yes, I'm being harsh. But I'm trying to shake your head out of the damn sand! Protect your damn kids by leaving. It's the only way you have a chance.

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 15/06/2024 18:19

So many red flags,he’ll only get worse and your self esteem will plummet if it hasn’t already.Youre so tired because you’re already trying to keep him happy,what about you? Leave.

mandlerparr · 15/06/2024 18:35

Hear this now. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for him. Because if you are good at anything, that makes him a loser. He will never really love anyone because he has no love for himself. Deep down inside, he thinks he is the biggest loser in the world, but he also has a huge ego that can never admit that the feels that way. So, he has to tear down the people around him, so that he can assure that no one ever feels better than him. And since he is always miserable, no one can ever be anything more than miserable.
I am sorry that you have reached the stage where you are already living with him, but I also know that he kept most of himself hidden from you until you did.
He is not going to get better. In fact, his cruelty will just increase through the years because he needs his high of degrading you same as an addict needs more and more to get their high. Also, he may not let go easy, so make sure you have something lined up and a place to go before you leave him. Get most of your stuff out of that place and tell him that you are organizing and downsizing to not have so much stuff.
Beware though that he may try to "assist" you in this process by throwing away things that are special to you before you get a chance to get them out of the house. So, don't bring it up unless he mentions it. And don't mention downsizing at first, just say you are throwing out some stuff you don't need.
Odds are that if you don't do it in front of him, he won't notice anyways, because the only things he actually notices about you are the things you can do for him and what things he can do to hurt you.

Currygirl · 15/06/2024 18:36

He's gaslighting you love.....
Find a way of saving money for yourself and then get out before it's too late & you're tied to a guy with zero respect for you

toxic44 · 15/06/2024 18:39

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

I think he understands his comments hurt you and he enjoys that. It isn't funny to belittle anyone but it amuses him to do it to you.
Have more respect for yourself than he shows for you. You moved in thinking he was a decent man but he shows you he is not. Move out and save your self-respect. Move out whilst you still can. He will undermine your self-confidence until you won't be able to think for yourself.

Mt61 · 15/06/2024 18:58

Get shut!

pebbles8811 · 15/06/2024 18:59

Get out DO NOT STAY! It won’t get better, you can’t fix him or change him in any way, shape or form. I wasted 12 years with a guy like this thinking he will change it didn’t it got worse, he stopped doing anything, stopped listening we were basically 2 people who shared a house then he fell into drug addiction 6 years in and I thought I could help (stupid me) and stuck around for the last 6. Just leave save yourself and your mental health he’s not worth it no man is

laraitopbanana · 15/06/2024 19:52

JustTalkToThem · 14/06/2024 00:19

How long have you been together? You do not seem compatible

That.

Noone you plan on living with or nearby enough should be the source of your exhaustion.

Madrigal12 · 15/06/2024 19:55

He sounds like he's been indulged in the past, never been 'checked' for his behaviour and learned to coast through life - you're not his parent and you're worth more !

SpiritOfEcstasy · 15/06/2024 20:01

He’s not for you OP. That’s not scary. That’s just a realisation. He’s selfish, mean, mocking, lazy and unfair. He’s hijacked your hobby and competes with you over it. Make alternative plans for your living accommodation - he will not get better. He will get worse!

Marine30 · 15/06/2024 20:07

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:24

We are together for a year,

Uh oh - only a year and it feels like this. You should still be in the honeymoon period. Or at least getting on really well most of the time and having fun.
But the hair thing alone screams controlling behaviour to me - he can fuck off if he wants to tell you how to do your hair. Don’t put up with it, it will only get worse.

Coco1379 · 15/06/2024 20:13

Why are you still with him?

Luxell934 · 15/06/2024 20:16

I'd say leave, but aren't you pregnant according to your other posts?

ilovegranny · 15/06/2024 20:17

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

Oh my God, leave now. Find somewhere, anywhere to go. The mocking is vile, he’s completely controlling and will not change. I’m so sorry for you.

pinkyredrose · 15/06/2024 20:31

He's a twat. He doesn't respect you. Move out.

Homesteady · 15/06/2024 21:05

Red flags all over the place. A relationship should be a partnership, not a competition and it certainly shouldn't be leaving you feeling drained. I'm all for working through problems but if you are so exhausted by it at this point then I'd say its time to start making arrangements to leave my darling.

gamerchick · 15/06/2024 21:11

What's wrong with people, I could never hurt someone I love

Read that back to yourself.

Justthistime1234 · 15/06/2024 21:11

This was my ex husband. I got a pit of fear reading your post, except I stayed 20 years. In the end I wasn’t allowed to buy the kids’s food, choose anything in the house, and he would say many horrible things to me just before friends were due so I’d be upset and they’d think I had mental problems.
Constant “jokes”, I couldn’t even get the water boiling correctly for pasta. Anyway I’ve been with someone else who is decent for 5 years and it’s a different world. Please stop questioning yourself, leave and find someone who isn’t him. Xx

ButterflyBitch · 15/06/2024 21:17

Pinkbonbon · 14/06/2024 01:21

You're describing the typical narcissistic abuser op. Get away from him ASAP.

If someone makes you their competition, steals your hobbies, controls your choices- they.mean.you.harm.

Leave.
He's a wrong'un

This. He sounds the same as the man who abused me.
he told me how to wash my hair, shave my legs. He ignored my pleas for help and ended up hurting me. Get out.

J0S · 15/06/2024 21:31

Luxell934 · 15/06/2024 20:16

I'd say leave, but aren't you pregnant according to your other posts?

Yes I remember that as well. You posted about being unhappy on your birthday and you were about 7 months pregnant.

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