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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am getting extremely disappointed with my boyfriend

221 replies

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:17

I need some help and advice with my boyfriend, I am getting super frustrated but the most scary part is that I'm getting extremely disappointed with him.

I've reached the point of being too tired to even discuss things with him. I used to try to explain what was making me upset, but now I'm just exhausted. I feel like the person I met a year ago has changed.

Not always, but sometimes, when I talk to my boyfriend, he just ignores me and continues watching TV. When I ask him why he's ignoring me, he says he didn't hear or understand what I was saying. So he decided to ignore me and leave me talking alone instead of asking what I said?

He has become super competitive. I'm not competitive at all, and I don't care if he always wants to win, but it's reached the point where he's constantly telling me to do things his way, and it's exhausting. If I don't know what I'm doing, like fixing something, I'll listen to his recommendations. But sometimes he's telling me how to do my hair, how to cook, and how to make the bed. I'm just exhausted from his comments, and I feel like I do everything wrong.

I know it sounds stupid, but a month ago I started learning how to make pizza dough. I tried a few times but never got it exactly the way I wanted. I was happy with my project; it kept me busy, and it was my thing. A week ago, he also started making pizza, and now he always makes it his way. I'm happy for him, but it made me sad that he took over. I did a lot of research and made a lot of pizza dough, and I was enthusiastic about it, but since he started making them his way, I feel like I have to find another hobby. Not to mention that every time he makes pizza, he says, "This is the best pizza I ever ate," and comments like that just make me sad.

Today I had a terrible backache, I told him that I was going to shower and sleep, and asked him if he could clean the dishes, he said yes, so I went to shower, then I remembered that I left my toothbrush downstairs, and when I went downstairs I saw he put all the dirty dishes in the sink, he left the table dirty, and the floor dirty, I know it's my problem that I cannot sleep leaving the kitchen dirty, some people wouldn't mind and just do the dishes the day after, that's why I always do it myself, I never asked him to do dishes or anything related, but it was just today, (to be specific, the dirty dishes were two plates, one glass, and a pan, something that can be done in less than 3 minutes). I just feel so disappointed, and started washing the dishes myself while crying (he was sleeping in the couch already for a long time)
And no, he was not leaving the dishes to wash the day after, he wakes up with the exact time to shower, get dressed and leave.
or maybe he had the idea that he could wash them tomorrow after work? At 19 when he's back? But he knows me, and knows i wouldn't leave dirty dishes, so he assumed he could leave them there dirty so that i would wash them tomorrow.

Am I being unreasonable here? If so, how would you approach all these little things so I don't get hurt constantly?

If not, how would you handle this, considering that I am extremely tired of discussions?

I always try to talk in a calm way. I don't complain but tell him how his actions made me feel. Still, I don't know who hurt him so much in the past, but he takes every little comment as an attack, so he attacks back, and that's when the nonsense discussions start.

OP posts:
Toastjusttoast · 14/06/2024 14:32

honestly it sounds like time to break up. You don’t really like each other any more. It’s only a year in, it should still feel like heaven being with each other, not like this. Long term relationships, marriage and raising children all require you to be compatible and cooperate well together as a team. This isn’t it. It’s not your fault it just sounds like it isn’t working out.

ScreamingBeans · 14/06/2024 14:39

Why do you always do the washing up?

Anyway it's irrelevant, this relationship is awful, leave.

Skyrainlight · 14/06/2024 14:41

Get out of the relationship as soon as possible. He is toxic and sounds like an energy vampire to me which is why you are so exhausted. Have you read The Celestine Prophecy, very old book but it describes some negative human interactions as people stealing energy from each other. His competitiveness and continually diminishing you sounds to me like this is what he is doing to you. Regardless, this is only a year long relationship, it should be happy.

mulberrybag · 14/06/2024 14:45

There is SO much collective advice and lived experience here from wise and experienced women, PLEASE heed the guidance you have received here and leave - you get one tiny little short life - please make it a happy one ♥️

DotDashDot24 · 14/06/2024 14:48

He sounds abusive.

Lavenderandbrown · 14/06/2024 14:49

Op I had to stop reading at pg 2 becuse this is making me cry. 2 full pages of insightful accurate posts..a MN rarity. Every single post is right. I breathed a sigh of relief when you said …one yr. Thank God. Get out now….house and relationship. If only 26 y.o me had access to this advice. This is not the man for you. It will worsen to a degree you can’t imagine. The most triggering part of your post….”this is the best pizza ever” oh I can so imagine his voice and face as he says it. It’s absolute controlling bullshit wrapped in an innocuous comment. Deadly. I believed if only “I” worked harder at the relationship it would improve and he loved that I wouldn’t give up. 153 posters can’t be wrong OP.

Charley50 · 14/06/2024 14:54

Cleansheetsandacuppa · 14/06/2024 07:15

Dery · Today 01:51
The right partner will boost your confidence, treat you kindly, help you feel secure and valued and, above all, happy. If that’s not what you’re getting from your relationship most of the time, then it’s not the right relationship.

this! And thanks Dery, and OP and everyone. You’re helping me realise what’s going on in my relationship.

Me too. So simply put but so helpful.

rmc2001 · 14/06/2024 15:38

Break up.

Thudercatsrule · 14/06/2024 15:39

Sounds like to much hard work - leave and dont look back.

azlazee1 · 14/06/2024 15:41

Sounds like the relationship has run its course. Are you sure you want to stay with him if he constantly gets on your nerves?

tkwal · 14/06/2024 15:58

You are boyfriend/girlfriend. For now. Honestly, if you're feeling the need to post your frustrations on here I wouldn't invest any more time into this relationship. Call it quits and move on. Life's too short !

Pipsquiggle · 14/06/2024 16:21

I have voted YABU because I think you need to recognise that you're incompatible. Your relationship sounds hard work and tedious. You've only been going out a year, you don't have DC - these are meant to be your honeymoon phase - life together should be easy.

When some couples enjoy the same past times / hobbies - often it's a solidifier. In your case it's not. Just move on.

What's stopping you leaving this relationship? Great sex?

jwpetal · 14/06/2024 16:33

He is telling you very plainly what he thinks of you.
It is time to move on and no more chances for him. Find better.

jwpetal · 14/06/2024 16:34

Choose you!

PupInAPram · 14/06/2024 16:38

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

He knows what it does to you, he just doesn't care. Love is shown by actions not words. His actions towards you are hateful not loving. Please leave him while you still have options.

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 14/06/2024 17:08

This reminded me of my own awful ex. We had a DS together and when he was little me and my boy used to bake a lot of bread together, it was our little thing and a nice way to spend some messy time together weekend mornings (when his father was asleep til 1 o clock in the afternoon).

For my birthday he bought me... a fucking bread maker. Then went on and on about how much better the bread was from the bread maker than the stuff we'd been baking together. Totally ruined our little thing... until I moved the fuck out and left him and the fucking bread maker together.

There was a multitude of other horrible things about that relationship, and I stayed way too long... don't be me OP. Just throw this one back x

AInightingale · 14/06/2024 17:35

Don't some men just love to make a virtue of their 'superior' judgment like that though? I had a juicer that cost me about thirty quid, it was fine. My ex had to go and buy one that cost over a hundred and took up nearly an entire kitchen cupboard and had more complicated filters and parts than a fucking car engine. He is now single and can barely move in his house for gadgets and mindless clutter.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 14/06/2024 17:40

The relationship has run its cause, you've realised he's a knob and it's time to leave.

He won't change.

orangely · 14/06/2024 17:56

ilovesushi · 14/06/2024 09:57

@orangely that is so desperately sad. Are you able to get out? I know people suggest Women's Aid in these situations. I hope you can make a life away from his toxic influence.

Thank you - It's not really a woman's aid situation, I could afford to leave, although it would be very hard in other ways. But I won't leave my children, even half the time, or reduce their quality of life or make them be apart from their dad. I expect that once they've left home (in 15-20 years time) me and husband will go separate ways. It's an odd situation as (probably as for the OP) everything looks ok from the outside, and there isn't any physical abuse or anything that would be easy to explain. It's "just" the constant, every single day rules, criticism, his way or be shouted at and verbally abused. But you'd think he's wonderful and nice if you met us out. And he is... so long as he's getting his way, of course.

Too late for me, this is my life now and I must live it. But definitely not to late for the OP!

Orangello · 14/06/2024 17:59

Is it really good for kids to be with dad who is shouting at and verbally abusing their mother? What will they learn about relationships?

TheMossEnthusiast · 14/06/2024 18:16

Ditch this deadbeat - you deserve better

CharlotteLucas3 · 14/06/2024 18:28

He’s a narcissist. You need to leave, but make sure you watch Dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube so that you don’t get into this situation again.

LondonFox · 14/06/2024 20:28

orangely · 14/06/2024 17:56

Thank you - It's not really a woman's aid situation, I could afford to leave, although it would be very hard in other ways. But I won't leave my children, even half the time, or reduce their quality of life or make them be apart from their dad. I expect that once they've left home (in 15-20 years time) me and husband will go separate ways. It's an odd situation as (probably as for the OP) everything looks ok from the outside, and there isn't any physical abuse or anything that would be easy to explain. It's "just" the constant, every single day rules, criticism, his way or be shouted at and verbally abused. But you'd think he's wonderful and nice if you met us out. And he is... so long as he's getting his way, of course.

Too late for me, this is my life now and I must live it. But definitely not to late for the OP!

Tbh you should prioritise your children not seeing abusive and controling relationship as the norm.
It will set horrible expectations for them down the line.
Just ask yourself how can you cope if one of your children ends up being shouted at, being abused, being sad, and you will know you set that as standard?

RedHelenB · 14/06/2024 20:32

The way you've written this exhausts me. You aren't compatible with your boyfriend.

Pinkbonbon · 14/06/2024 20:33

orangely · 14/06/2024 17:56

Thank you - It's not really a woman's aid situation, I could afford to leave, although it would be very hard in other ways. But I won't leave my children, even half the time, or reduce their quality of life or make them be apart from their dad. I expect that once they've left home (in 15-20 years time) me and husband will go separate ways. It's an odd situation as (probably as for the OP) everything looks ok from the outside, and there isn't any physical abuse or anything that would be easy to explain. It's "just" the constant, every single day rules, criticism, his way or be shouted at and verbally abused. But you'd think he's wonderful and nice if you met us out. And he is... so long as he's getting his way, of course.

Too late for me, this is my life now and I must live it. But definitely not to late for the OP!

You do realise that that 'just' will fuck your kids up, right? Seriously. For life.

In knowing your household is abusuve and staying, you in turn are perpetuating abuse against your kids. Sorry. But that's a fact.

They will grow up thinking its normal for men to treat women this way and have dysfunctional cruel relationships of their own.

Two parents together and a little extra money does not in any way make up for that. Not remotely.

If you're too chicken to leave even though you can afford too, fine. But don't blame your children for staying. I say 'blame', because that is how they will feel when they are grown and realise you stayed 'for them'. Like it's their fault you ruined your life. And it isn't! It's yours.

It's not too late to spare your kids an abusive home. Find your bloody backbone and get out of there! Give them one safe place away from him and seeing their mother abused.

Sorry if this is harsh but I can't abide people who know their kids are witnessing abuse and whine about not wanting to deprive them of extra time with theur prick of of a father or, extra money. And have the audacity to say its best for the kids!

Either your greedy, selfish or a coward. But you're certainly not staying for your children.

So many woman either unaware they are being abused or unable to leave so I've sod all sympathy for people who know, can, don't and blame their children.