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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am getting extremely disappointed with my boyfriend

221 replies

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:17

I need some help and advice with my boyfriend, I am getting super frustrated but the most scary part is that I'm getting extremely disappointed with him.

I've reached the point of being too tired to even discuss things with him. I used to try to explain what was making me upset, but now I'm just exhausted. I feel like the person I met a year ago has changed.

Not always, but sometimes, when I talk to my boyfriend, he just ignores me and continues watching TV. When I ask him why he's ignoring me, he says he didn't hear or understand what I was saying. So he decided to ignore me and leave me talking alone instead of asking what I said?

He has become super competitive. I'm not competitive at all, and I don't care if he always wants to win, but it's reached the point where he's constantly telling me to do things his way, and it's exhausting. If I don't know what I'm doing, like fixing something, I'll listen to his recommendations. But sometimes he's telling me how to do my hair, how to cook, and how to make the bed. I'm just exhausted from his comments, and I feel like I do everything wrong.

I know it sounds stupid, but a month ago I started learning how to make pizza dough. I tried a few times but never got it exactly the way I wanted. I was happy with my project; it kept me busy, and it was my thing. A week ago, he also started making pizza, and now he always makes it his way. I'm happy for him, but it made me sad that he took over. I did a lot of research and made a lot of pizza dough, and I was enthusiastic about it, but since he started making them his way, I feel like I have to find another hobby. Not to mention that every time he makes pizza, he says, "This is the best pizza I ever ate," and comments like that just make me sad.

Today I had a terrible backache, I told him that I was going to shower and sleep, and asked him if he could clean the dishes, he said yes, so I went to shower, then I remembered that I left my toothbrush downstairs, and when I went downstairs I saw he put all the dirty dishes in the sink, he left the table dirty, and the floor dirty, I know it's my problem that I cannot sleep leaving the kitchen dirty, some people wouldn't mind and just do the dishes the day after, that's why I always do it myself, I never asked him to do dishes or anything related, but it was just today, (to be specific, the dirty dishes were two plates, one glass, and a pan, something that can be done in less than 3 minutes). I just feel so disappointed, and started washing the dishes myself while crying (he was sleeping in the couch already for a long time)
And no, he was not leaving the dishes to wash the day after, he wakes up with the exact time to shower, get dressed and leave.
or maybe he had the idea that he could wash them tomorrow after work? At 19 when he's back? But he knows me, and knows i wouldn't leave dirty dishes, so he assumed he could leave them there dirty so that i would wash them tomorrow.

Am I being unreasonable here? If so, how would you approach all these little things so I don't get hurt constantly?

If not, how would you handle this, considering that I am extremely tired of discussions?

I always try to talk in a calm way. I don't complain but tell him how his actions made me feel. Still, I don't know who hurt him so much in the past, but he takes every little comment as an attack, so he attacks back, and that's when the nonsense discussions start.

OP posts:
Didimum · 14/06/2024 10:38

Break up with him. He is showing you who he is. He does not champion you, support you or even seem to like you very much. He sounds vile and deeply unlikeable.

EatCrow · 14/06/2024 10:39

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 04:40

I hope you are fine, and wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
It's definitely hard to understand how a partner, who's supposed to love and support us, can be like this, hurting us while they smile so we don't figure out what's happening.
What's wrong with people, I could never hurt someone I love. :(

You may not OP but there are a great many who do/will. No disrespect to you at all but you seem quite naive. Can you pinpoint any of the behaviour your boyfriend is showing back to similar behaviour by someone in your childhood?

EveningSpread · 14/06/2024 10:41

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 14/06/2024 08:57

You've only been together a year and you're living together... that's where this has gone wrong. You didn't really know him before you moved in. Now you do know him you've realised that you're not really compatible.

Nothing that he's doing is particularly bad... you just don't like the way he runs his life. And that's fine! Go and find someone who is more inline with your way of thinking.

Move out... just go! Get on with your life. Crying over dishes and pizza dough is not the way to live. And next time get to know someone before you move in with them.

Telling the OP she’s “crying over dishes and pizza dough” is totally missing the point and minimising her feelings. She’s upset over a lack of consideration and behaviours designed to undermine her.

Telling her she did wrong by moving in with him is nonsense too. On another thread this morning people were giving advice such as “if he doesn’t want to move in with you he’s future faking you - me and my DH moved in after a month and have been together 25 years!”

His behaviour is the problem, not her. Hopefully OP will learn to spot people like this quicker in future but there’s no point her beating herself up for believing him when he was pleasant.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 14/06/2024 10:43

Why did you move in with him so soon?

I'd leave him and move out. You deserve much better. He's a shit.

tara66 · 14/06/2024 10:47

You appear to be very sensitive and easily hurt - so you are not compatible with this person but a lot of men - if not most - can be like this. He may be just careless and thoughtless.

user1492757084 · 14/06/2024 10:48

You do not sound compatible.
He sounds immature.
Are you both still quite young? Maybe it would be better to treat each other like flat mates and if you don't like living together you should not proceed in any romantic way at all.

Still make your pizza and eat it yourself.
And you should be able to each do your own dishes whenever you want. You have no kids etc.
It's fine to leave your dishes undone while you are sickly and it's also fine for him to wash his own dishes the next morning or evening, within reason.
Given that you specifically asked whether your BF would do the dishes that night, he should have done them - or explained that he would do them the following day.

If he were my flat mate I would move house.

MrRydersParlourGame · 14/06/2024 11:08

I truly mean this kindly, but it is very simple - he does not love you. This is not how men in love behave, exorbitant at this stage of a relationship.

You cannot change the way someone behaves. Ns with that in mind, you need to change your own mindset from "what can I do to make him the person I want him to be / make him love me" to being the evaluator. Ask yourself:

Do I like this person exactly as he is, right now?
Is this relationship making me happy?

The answer is very clearly, and quite understandably, NO.

So leave.

And mean it. And make it stick.

He may not come after you - in which case, great. He may come back promising to change, but people do not make long term changes to avoid short term consequences (like being dumped) so please do ignore such promises.

If he finds a girl he likes and is prepared to 'earn' he may behave better or he may simply be incapable of actively loving anyone. Neither of those alternatives say anything about you as a person. But either way, this relationship is not right. Work on your own sense of self-worth before pursuing another one. Good luck.

BlowDryRat · 14/06/2024 11:10

Dump him OP. It's hard work and it's only been a year. This one's not for you.

bonzaitree · 14/06/2024 12:02

Good News is you’re not married and don’t have any kids. Only together a year.

Leave!

Nanaof1 · 14/06/2024 12:14

Too often, men that mock their partners are doing so to try and control them. They will always insist they are "joking" but don't stop, even when asked. For some odd reason, it seems to make them feel superior, even though the truth is, they are not.

You deserve better and are worth so much more than he will ever give you. He will not stop putting you down or making jokes at your expense.

I am not going to "tell you what to do", because, you already know. Please take care of yourself and give yourself the value you merit.

Lweji · 14/06/2024 12:38

"So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?"

You can only do that if he´s willing to understand. He is not, so, you can only control your actions.
Walk away. Literally.

Do not waste another day with this dead end relationship.

Epidote · 14/06/2024 12:46

OP, just reading the way he interacts with you in your initial post made me exhausted.
YANBU.

Pinkbonbon · 14/06/2024 12:55

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 04:40

I hope you are fine, and wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
It's definitely hard to understand how a partner, who's supposed to love and support us, can be like this, hurting us while they smile so we don't figure out what's happening.
What's wrong with people, I could never hurt someone I love. :(

His kind don't love like you or I. They reel in victims. Sometimes they might enjoy being all lovey dovey at first but it's not real. It's just getting swept up in their own act. Then once they feel they've snared you, the abuse starts.

Springwatch123 · 14/06/2024 12:56

Give yourself permission to leave.

AlisonDonut · 14/06/2024 12:58

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:24

We are together for a year,

Don't make it 2.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2024 13:14

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:24

We are together for a year,

Then end it now, and you'll only have wasted a year.

Seriously, he will not change. The man you met, the man he presented himself as back then - that man is an illusion. An illusion spun by the very nasty man you now live with. He was able to put a mask on to snare you; but he now considers you snared, and sees no need for the effort that his mask required. What you now see, is what he is. He will never be the man you fell for, because that man never existed.

Move out. As soon as you possibly can. Sofa surf if you must. But end his ownership of your future ASAP.

WilliamButt · 14/06/2024 13:23

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

No there really isn't a way because he already knows that his comments are hurting you. That's what he wants.

Brefugee · 14/06/2024 13:25

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:24

We are together for a year,

cut your losses and leave. Find someone who you are compatible with

renoleno · 14/06/2024 13:43

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 04:40

I hope you are fine, and wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
It's definitely hard to understand how a partner, who's supposed to love and support us, can be like this, hurting us while they smile so we don't figure out what's happening.
What's wrong with people, I could never hurt someone I love. :(

H @Applecake99 what makes you believe he loves you? And that's a serious question you should think on - as in future you will avoid men like this.

He mocks you
He doesn't help you even when you ask for it
He takes over your hobbies and makes you feel bad
He criticises you because he doesn't like how you are

This isn't love. Saying he loves you, buying you things and giving you a place to stay isn't love - it's control. Respecting you and caring for you is love - he doesn't feel that way.

I suspect you have low self esteem and believe this man is a great catch, or that you should be grateful for him. Predators like him can sense this. He isn't going out with you because he loves you, but because he knows he can manipulate and control you.

Run.

Vizella · 14/06/2024 13:54

OP, you need to leave him. This is his real character and he is unlikely to change. He exhibits two of the traits of an abusive personality: extremely controlling behaviour and treating you with contempt.

GingerPirate · 14/06/2024 13:57

FFS.
How old are you both, out of interest?
GET RID OF HIM!
Your life would be so much joyful.
And why is learning how to make a pizza 🍕 dough stupid?
Just do your own thing.

LondonFox · 14/06/2024 14:16

I would leave.
No marriage, no children, only a year lost on an idiot.

On other hand I would become a demon once I decided to leave.

  • Making pizza every single evening to perfect it and commenting "this is even better than last one, how can there be anything better than perfect?"
  • Washing only my stuff and leaving mess around. Not my house, not my problem.
  • Spending evenings doing something I like or going out and completely ignoring him.
  • Ignoring when he speaks. When he shouts telling him to "Calm down and wait as I am in the middle of something"
  • And I cannot stress enough - lauging at him when he starts complaining.

You are probably much better human than me so just pack and leave. No need to explain.

HateMyselfToo · 14/06/2024 14:22

I voted YABU because you've only been with him a year - just ditch and move on. It's not like you're married with kids and trying to make it work.

YourWildAmberSloth · 14/06/2024 14:24

Relationships are supposed to make you happy. This one isn't. You're not married and don't have children - you should leave.

TheCookieCrumblesThisWay · 14/06/2024 14:25

He's not brave enough to break up with you so he is making you miserable to make you leave instead. Sorry OP but you deserve better.