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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am getting extremely disappointed with my boyfriend

221 replies

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:17

I need some help and advice with my boyfriend, I am getting super frustrated but the most scary part is that I'm getting extremely disappointed with him.

I've reached the point of being too tired to even discuss things with him. I used to try to explain what was making me upset, but now I'm just exhausted. I feel like the person I met a year ago has changed.

Not always, but sometimes, when I talk to my boyfriend, he just ignores me and continues watching TV. When I ask him why he's ignoring me, he says he didn't hear or understand what I was saying. So he decided to ignore me and leave me talking alone instead of asking what I said?

He has become super competitive. I'm not competitive at all, and I don't care if he always wants to win, but it's reached the point where he's constantly telling me to do things his way, and it's exhausting. If I don't know what I'm doing, like fixing something, I'll listen to his recommendations. But sometimes he's telling me how to do my hair, how to cook, and how to make the bed. I'm just exhausted from his comments, and I feel like I do everything wrong.

I know it sounds stupid, but a month ago I started learning how to make pizza dough. I tried a few times but never got it exactly the way I wanted. I was happy with my project; it kept me busy, and it was my thing. A week ago, he also started making pizza, and now he always makes it his way. I'm happy for him, but it made me sad that he took over. I did a lot of research and made a lot of pizza dough, and I was enthusiastic about it, but since he started making them his way, I feel like I have to find another hobby. Not to mention that every time he makes pizza, he says, "This is the best pizza I ever ate," and comments like that just make me sad.

Today I had a terrible backache, I told him that I was going to shower and sleep, and asked him if he could clean the dishes, he said yes, so I went to shower, then I remembered that I left my toothbrush downstairs, and when I went downstairs I saw he put all the dirty dishes in the sink, he left the table dirty, and the floor dirty, I know it's my problem that I cannot sleep leaving the kitchen dirty, some people wouldn't mind and just do the dishes the day after, that's why I always do it myself, I never asked him to do dishes or anything related, but it was just today, (to be specific, the dirty dishes were two plates, one glass, and a pan, something that can be done in less than 3 minutes). I just feel so disappointed, and started washing the dishes myself while crying (he was sleeping in the couch already for a long time)
And no, he was not leaving the dishes to wash the day after, he wakes up with the exact time to shower, get dressed and leave.
or maybe he had the idea that he could wash them tomorrow after work? At 19 when he's back? But he knows me, and knows i wouldn't leave dirty dishes, so he assumed he could leave them there dirty so that i would wash them tomorrow.

Am I being unreasonable here? If so, how would you approach all these little things so I don't get hurt constantly?

If not, how would you handle this, considering that I am extremely tired of discussions?

I always try to talk in a calm way. I don't complain but tell him how his actions made me feel. Still, I don't know who hurt him so much in the past, but he takes every little comment as an attack, so he attacks back, and that's when the nonsense discussions start.

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 14/06/2024 06:34

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

He does understand but is enjoying controlling how you do your hair and make the bed etc. He enjoys ruining your hobbies. He feels good by making a woman feel bad. You cannot teach him you can only leave and respect yourself. Why would you want to teach him the man sounds horrible to you most of the time?

Iaminthefly · 14/06/2024 06:35

You can't communicate someone into being a decent human being.

Your boyfriend is just not a nice person. The pizza dough thing is so staggeringly mean spirited and petty. It speaks volumes about who he is and none of it is good.

Why did you move in so quickly? Are you able to leave asap? Also please make sure your contraception is water tight. Do not get pregnant by this man. He would be an awful father.

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 14/06/2024 06:54

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 04:40

I hope you are fine, and wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
It's definitely hard to understand how a partner, who's supposed to love and support us, can be like this, hurting us while they smile so we don't figure out what's happening.
What's wrong with people, I could never hurt someone I love. :(

Leave.

Newnamehiwhodis · 14/06/2024 07:01

He sounds like a teenager. Thank your lucky stars you didn’t waste more than one year on this inconsiderate oaf.

EveningSpread · 14/06/2024 07:04

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

He most probably does understand OP. He just doesn’t care.

You’ll tie yourself in knots trying to work out how you can get him to understand. He wants that - to make you confused and vulnerable and take up your mental space. But you can be sure he understands words, he’s not an idiot.

He’s likely very insecure and miserable, and wants to bring you down too. I’ve known loads of men like this and read about them all the time on here.

My ex used to be the same. I spent years trying to make him understand he was hurting me. He denied, deflected, played dumb, argued, told me it was my fault. When I eventually said I was leaving he admitted he’d always known what he was doing! (And he was sorry and he’s change etc - bollocks.) It was always about power and control.

He won’t change, he’s horrible, and you deserve someone who genuinely likes you and who you have a good time with. Life’s too short for this. 💐

Sadza · 14/06/2024 07:04

I always think if you’re in a relationship it needs to add value and be better than being on your own. This just sounds like an absolute grind and I would worry about the constant ignoring of your thoughts and feelings. I’d rather be alone.

needsomewarmsunshine · 14/06/2024 07:04

If you were my dd, I would be encouraging you to leave him. Then I would try to help you find somewhere else to live whilst staying with me.
He's a waste of space and he certainly doesn't care about you.
Start working on some of self respect he has taken away from you.

SpringleDingle · 14/06/2024 07:07

He does know it hurts you, he just doesn’t care.

ManilowBarry · 14/06/2024 07:13

He's sucking the life out of you. Soon you won't know left from right.

Spend your life with people that enrich it, not with clowns like him who bring you down/

Veryverycalmnow · 14/06/2024 07:13

He sounds controlling and it's the sort of thing that gets worse over time. I'd get out while you can.

Cleansheetsandacuppa · 14/06/2024 07:15

Dery · Today 01:51
The right partner will boost your confidence, treat you kindly, help you feel secure and valued and, above all, happy. If that’s not what you’re getting from your relationship most of the time, then it’s not the right relationship.

this! And thanks Dery, and OP and everyone. You’re helping me realise what’s going on in my relationship.

Cleansheetsandacuppa · 14/06/2024 07:17

Oh yes, and leave! It WILL only get worse as he finds out what he can get away with, and you get confused and lose confidence.

Copperoliverbear · 14/06/2024 07:21

Why are you still with him he's not making you happy, ask him to leave.

queenMab99 · 14/06/2024 07:21

You are not happy, he sounds awful, leave him now before there are children to consider. Of course he knows he is being hurtful, It won't get any better.

ZekeZeke · 14/06/2024 07:31

OP Please do not have children with this person.
Plan your exit. He doesn't care for you the way a loving partner should.
Get counselling to find out why you allow yourself to be abused like this.

Densol · 14/06/2024 07:36

You are in love with the thought of being in a happy relationship, rather than in love with this arse. This is not a happy relationship. People DO NOT CHANGE. They always eventually return to how they were, as they are hard wired that way.

Only a year and this arse is making you feel like this. Get out, leave. I promise you when you walk away the sunshine will seem so much brighter as you walk into freedom.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/06/2024 07:41

Making you unhappy makes him happy. It's his entertainment, his hobby, his reason for having you there.

Fuck that.

Notacrab · 14/06/2024 07:43

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 04:40

I hope you are fine, and wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
It's definitely hard to understand how a partner, who's supposed to love and support us, can be like this, hurting us while they smile so we don't figure out what's happening.
What's wrong with people, I could never hurt someone I love. :(

You need to understand that this isn't how someone who loves you would treat you. Stop thinking that he loves you, recognise that he's your abuser and get out before it's too late. In other words, before you end up pregnant.

StormingNorman · 14/06/2024 07:45

Does he care for you @Applecake99?

My DH has some narcissistic traits (which these sound like) but he had the good grace to laugh when I point them out and try to do better.

I can definitely relate on the dinner front. I’ll cook our entire supper and ask him to do the gravy. Then when we start eating he’ll compliment the gravy 🤣 Like I say, we laugh about it, he recognises what he’s said and is appreciative of what I do. So it’s not a dealbreaker for me.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/06/2024 07:48

Oh op I think you must realise that you moved far far to quickly in with him because he doesn’t sound nice at all.

I think it sounds like you both like things done a certain way (don’t we all?) but that you just do you while he wants to beat you, belittle you and put You down by doing him. Not nice.

SquirrelSoShiny · 14/06/2024 07:51

StormingNorman · 14/06/2024 07:45

Does he care for you @Applecake99?

My DH has some narcissistic traits (which these sound like) but he had the good grace to laugh when I point them out and try to do better.

I can definitely relate on the dinner front. I’ll cook our entire supper and ask him to do the gravy. Then when we start eating he’ll compliment the gravy 🤣 Like I say, we laugh about it, he recognises what he’s said and is appreciative of what I do. So it’s not a dealbreaker for me.

We ALL have narcissistic traits. However when we meet a true narcissist they are in a completely different league.

OP I don't know if your boyfriend is a narcissist there's not enough information there but the core thing is: he's a bit of a wanker and you're not happy with him. Leave. (And the can't sleep with dishes in the sink is an opportunity for you to learn not to sweat the small stuff, that's your stuff not his.)

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/06/2024 07:53

He doesn't care if his words or actions hurt you.

Luckily you are not married, so don't need to divorce him
and there are no children involved either

so it's easy - finish with him and move out.

Testina · 14/06/2024 07:55

most scary part is that I'm getting extremely disappointed with him.

Nah, the most scary part is that you’re putting up with his treating you like shit. Why?

SquirrelSoShiny · 14/06/2024 07:55

Also do you work? It wasn't clear in your OP. You moved in within a year of meeting this guy but it's his house. It was very soon to be living with him. Get your own place and live how you choose without his unasked for advice on bedmaking and hair styles!Flowers

J0S · 14/06/2024 07:59

Applecake99 · 14/06/2024 00:34

So I assume there is not a way to make him understand that these comments are actually hurting me?
I know he loves mocking me, and most of the times he is making jokes, that unfortunately are hurting me, until now I couldn't make him understand that there is a limit even for jokes, but I was hoping there was a way.
Guess I was assuming he did not see how much these small things were hurting me.

He KNOWS a they are hurting you. That’s why he does it. He’s nasty and controlling.

Get out now. You can’t change him.