Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

[Suziana]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

None of us can answer that.

His approach is very much my approach with my DD.

My DD has had a happy childhood, in part I think, because I’ve kept her completely separate from my relationships.

However, if you’re not happy with the situation, you are perfectly entitled to end the relationship.

The ball is in your court, you either accept the decisions he has made for his daughter and enjoy his company when you can, or you walk away. I think the needs of a child approaching huge new experiences in their life , changing schools, weekly boarding, adolescence, trump the needs of an adult.

Your daughter was only about 16 when you started the relationship, did you introduce her to him at once?

I think more people should do what he is in terms of not introducing you to his child.

If it’s not what you want then end the relationship.

What do you want?

He has given you his boundary. They may or may not change in 7 years and remain the same.You will not go on holidays together.

How does this fit in with your life?

I understand why you are not happy but I have a lot of respect for the guy putting his daughter before his girlfriend.

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable boundary for a boyfriend/ girlfriend. He is obviously prioritising his daughter, who is still at an impressionable age.

However, you called him “my partner”, whereas from your description of the relationship it doesn’t seem that way. I am just wondering if you have miscommunication happening?

It is a long time, not that long though. Once introduced it means holidaying together as a ‘family’, it changes the whole dynamic. She’s only ten. It’s a bit early to enter step mother territory.
Personally I’d be happy I hadn’t been introduced just yet, I also wouldn’t introduce my child to a new partner. Though I appreciate that a new partner might get upset about that.

I admit not having you move in until the child moves out is a bit much. My friends children are all in their twenties and live at home. It could mean you never live together.

Agree entirely!

Op, you’re both adults and have been there done that. Now you can enjoy adult company without having to entangle yourselves needlessly (read the other step family situations here). Unless you’re looking to set-up house because of financial considerations, or wanting another baby, then there’s nothing wrong with what is going on. His little girl should (must!) come first and if you love him, you’ll respect that.

I think it’s commendable that he’s protecting his child the way he is. Lots of parents could learn a lesson from his approach. However, I do feel the not moving in until she has left home rule rather extreme. There’s moving slowly and there’s putting your lives on hold until this child becomes an adult and personally, I think that’s rather a step too far. It might be beneficial for her to have a female influence in her life in the years to come.

It’s completely up to your partner though, and only you know if it’s something you can put up with for the next 7+ years.

I don’t really understand the need to meet his daughter especially when he’s put a clear boundary in place. Is there a reason why you want to meet her? Do you think if you meet her, you’ll feel as if he’s more committed to you? Whatever your reasons are, you’re wanting to put what you want first. He’s very rightly putting his daughters needs first.

If you want to meet his daughter so badly, at least you know this isn’t the relationship for you. I don’t think it’s fear to keep on raising the point/asking questions if he’s told you how he feels

This, and what everyone else has said. He’s set out his position, which is reasonable and non-negotiable. It’s now your decision to figure out whether that is compatible with your vision of your own future. You’re obviously not unreasonable to end things if it doesn’t work for you.

I think yabu, 4/5 nights a week is plenty. I wouldn't move in a new partner with my children either, they are my priority. It's nice to see this guy is thinking along similar lines, way too many move in with new partners and kids simply out of convenience rather than considering what the best thing is for the children

It just seems sad that his daughter won't have a motherly figure in her life.

I've been with my partner nearly a decade (and I'm not getting into a semantics row about "partner"). Our respective children have met the other adult and spent a small amount of time with them but other than a handful of meals we haven't done anything as "a family". We don't cohabit and won't until our children are able to live as independent adults. Its fine because we are both fine with it and actually I suspect will find it quite difficult to relinquish our independence when the time comes. Just because a set up doesn't follow a "normal" pattern or route doesn't mean it's wrong. In the end, you are entitled to reject his plan and move onto a different relationship, but you are not entitled to challenge or attempt to change his mind on this for your own sake and relegating the DD to second place.

He's been totally clear about where he stands, which is admirable.

That leaves you free to make choices based off that.

If it's not the life for you them just cut your losses, that's totally fine. I probably would in your shoes.

Having seen friends introduce a merry go round of new partners to their children, at great cost to them (not that they would ever admit it) I think his approach is refreshing and to be commended.

Another one who thinks he is doing the exact right thing. As a single parent this is the only type of relationship I'd consider until my DS is close to adulthood. It's fine for this to not be enough for you and for you to end the relationship if it's not making you happy. However, that's a case of you both wanting different things, not a case of him protecting his child going too far. And you are being massively unreasonable towards him for thinking that.

I've got the upmost respect for him prioritising his daughter over his relationship. It's up to you whether you're happy with it. No ones making you stay.

She may well have aunts, older cousins or family friends who play this role, and it’s far from clear the OP or her partner’s daughter would want the OP to play this role. Tbh, most people I know who have a stepchild who was not a very young child when they first entered their lives have a hands-off, non-parent relationship with their partner’s children. I have two female friends with teenage stepchildren, and they’re very much not ‘stepmothers’. Their spouses do the parenting.

Hes told you his boundaries

Now you decide what yours are

I have widowed friends, all of their children have motherly figures in their lives - grandmothers; aunts; close friends of their dead mothers.
My own mother grew up without a mother but with other mother figures - she did not want, or need, a stepmother.

No one needs a step mother as a mother figure.

Is this the French guy you think is totally over-scheduling his dd? Tbh you're quite critical of his parenting choices - think maybe you should move on and find someone who is happy to delegate parenting to you?

Oh I remember this one. From a week or so ago.

This. If only all parents were this sensible when involving new partners in their dc’s lives.

With that being said, I wouldn’t want to accept this in a new relationship (I wouldn’t have enjoyed the one night and one afternoon a week either) so ywnbu to move on.

Doesn't sound he is willing to have a partner now, he prefers long term, long distance, low commitment, casual girlfriend

Are you willing to be one?