Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

[Suziana]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

I dont think youre in a partnership and by that I mean you might think you are but he is keeping you away from his child in case you split up.

Who runs their relationships like that and expects them to survive?!

Your choice is to either play along or end it. But before you decide you need to talk to him about it. He is holding all the power in the relationship at the moment, see if there is room for a redistribution.

“He is holding all the power in the relationship at the moment, “

this

I think I disagree with this. He would hold all the power if they were living together, financially entangled, or he was supporting her. As it is she has her own home and is financially independent.

The only 'power' he may have is power that OP is giving him over how their relationship is run. But she can take that back at any time with no real 'cost' to her by simply saying "This isn't working for me" and walking away. Other than the loss of the time spent, she'll walk away 'whole'.

Much different than a woman who has given up her independence or her finances or her job for a relationship. In that situation, yes, the man is holding pretty much all the power. But even then, women can take their power back, although they seldom emerge 'unscathed'.

Ask yourself truly if you're not okay with it or if you're just a bit that he put that boundary in place and now you're aware of what you can't have. (This set up would suit me perfectly)

It might be because he knows his daughter wouldn't like the idea of him having a girlfriend and he's okay with going along with that until she's older. Not unreasonable, but also not unreasonable to decide that's not for you.

Of course he's wanting to spend the only 2 days per week that he gets to see his only child, with her and spending quality time with her. I would too (although I'd never send mine to boarding school but that's just me). I enjoy spending time with my only child every weekend even though she's never away from me apart from school hours.

I'm a bit 🤨 at him shipping off his DD for 6-8 weeks though, bloody hell. Poor kid being away from her only remaining parent for that long, whilst also being packed off to boarding school the rest of the time. On top of losing her Mummy. That's shocking.

If he runs his own business then surely he's in the best position to reduce his working hours; he doesn't need HR approval. Sure, he'll earn less, but he'd save a substantial amount on boarding fees.

Neither of you are unreasonable. He is looking after his child as he sees best and is honest and stating what his plans are for contact. You are not unreasonable to not want that, in which case you both need to decide if there is scope for compromise or if this is the end. Personally, I would respect the fact that he is putting his daughters well being first, and would think compromise is ok, as it is not for ever.

Don't worry Op. There's nothing wrong with boarding school. I was not a boarder but attended one as a day student. The girls were all well adjusted and many were from rural farming areas so they understood it was a necessity. In your boyfriend's daughter's case, she understands it's also better for her due to her father's work requirements. I don't understand why the other posters are so bothered by it but oh well... It is Mumsnet after all :-)

Yes he gave her a pretty shitty choice. A babysitter to take too and from hobbies and teaching independence over time would be reasonable, not just stopping everything and expecting her to cope or go away and board. I don't have a problem with boarding the school but she didn't have a good alternative so can't say she's freely chosen it.

Fair play to him op. I don’t think you should give up on him for this reason. Let things develop naturally - as she gets older he will probably relax a bit. Hats off to the guy.

What are you expecting from this thread? If he's made his boundaries clear (& like many other posters on this thread I applaud him for not rushing to move a new woman into his & his DD's life) then you either accept them or leave him.

You can't (& shouldn't) try to force him to change his mind. Personally I think it sounds an ideal set up ... occasional dating and you both lead independent lives. Presumably you have a career, friends, hobbies, your own grown up DD, maybe elderly relatives to care for, a home to run etc?

You are not a young woman desperate to be a blushing bride and have babies, you have been through the sadness of losing your first DH, focus on your independence - no man is with giving that up for.

I don't understand the junk food analogy.

No dog in the fight but if the kid is happy at a suitable school with good teaching and pastoral care plus sufficient contact with home, how will boarding harm them in and of itself? I have cousins who loved it plus a BIL who was slightly less enthusiastic but got on with it, enjoyed some aspects more than others, made lifelong friends anyway (very rural upbringing) and all are happy, balanced, successful adults.

Your reasons are about you.

From what he’s told you. You haven’t spent time with her to know about her life.

Personally, I couldn’t be in this relationship and would feel like a dirty little secret. I’d want to live together and progress otherwise you’re just dating for years.

I think this approach is perfect at the stage you are at after only 18 months. I don’t think I would be saying the same at 9 years though! Once you’re at 3 years, I think your relationship is clearly sticking, so why wouldn’t you be able to be introduced at that stage? And no holidays/special events/Christmas’s all spent on your own is woe lonely, if that’s going to continue for 7+ years. I would want some kind of commitment that would show signs of moving forward before then. If he is not willing to talk about that or see things from your point of view then that’s unhealthy IMO.

Ideal setup, where you never can go on holiday with your significant other?

To me it sounds they are in different life stages, that with OP's child out of home and abroad, she could enjoy finding a travel partner, not this closet relationships.

Yeah who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where you have to be hidden away in case your mere presence causes distress to your partner’s child? Where you can’t celebrate Christmas, his birthday or any other family events. Sign me up.

I admire him for not putting his daughter in the blast radius of his relationships. Step parents on here seem to either resent being made to parent their step kids or are in a low level toxic battles for supremacy of the household with first family kids. Not touching on the inheritance threads which are carnage. He has no need to blend and would want a partner who wants the same, maybe that isn't you OP but it's not wrong and would be what I'd do in a similar situation.

@ohdelay so you would keep your dp a dirty little secret (sorry op) for six years?!

Why the emotive language? Dirty little secret or just not his kids business. I'm guessing they have met each others adult friends and are having a grown up relationship with the fun sex, nights out and companionship. They don't need to involve their kids. What exactly is his daughter or the OP missing out on?

I admire that he's made his position re your relationship quite clear, many people would fudge the boundaries. You may accept these strictures atm but your perspective may change in the future - it seems a shame that you're not able to spread your wings now your adult child is in the US but are tied (albeit willingly) to what must be a lonely partnership. You could be travelling the world with a partner by your side or exploring new interests together. I'm not criticising his line in the sand at all but I do wonder whether you'll look back on this period with regret. Good luck whatever you decide.

I have a friend who has moved a series of (frankly, terrible) boyfriends in and out of her children's lives and their family home. Her relationship with her kids has suffered for it, one of her children no longer speaks to her. Seeing it all unfold so terribly for my DF, I'd do exactly as your DP is doing in his place.

Sorry, maybe the wording was a bit strong. However, i think, heading towards the two year mark, it’s time for the op to be acknowledged as dp’s partner, and not be totally separate . I’m not talking about family holidays etc, but start mixing, being made of each others existence etc. It’s right that the daughter is the dp’s priority, but there’s no harm in them all sharing the occasional takeaway etc.

He's been clear that he's not involving his daughter in his relationships and she doesn't need a takeaway or a step mum. He's got it handled. It's a yes or no.

Boarding will not damage a bereaved child if they have chosen to do it

But let’s be honest she ‘chose’ this option because he manipulated her into it - the only alternative he put to her was coming home to an empty house and not being able to do her hobby anymore because he’s firing the nanny!

I don’t think he sounds like a good Dad at all, I think he’s got you both right where he wants you.