Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

[Suziana]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

Best dad ever - sending her to boarding school at aged 11 after losing her mum. Big round of applause. Yeah, definitely much better than introducing her to his long term partner.

I'd say careful what you wish for. While I understand wanting to spend more time with your DP at the moment, this will change when his DD starts Y7 so not long to go now and to me, 4-5 nights per week is ideal as it gives you your own time as well as plenty of time as a couple. I am married and only spend 4-5 nights with my DH as I still have a home with my young adult kids. Obviously long term we will live together full time but I'm in no hurry as this split works really well for us, and for my kids (who often turns up at our "marital" home for the day / night on weekends).

I would insist on DP letting his DD know that you exist and that you are dating / in a relationship. She's old enough to cope with that and keeping secrets is worse in my opinion. Also, she may feel guilty about leaving Dad to board and would feel better knowing he has a girlfriend to keep him company. Either way, it doesn't need to be heavy and there's no real need for you to meet her unless she wants to.

Take it or leave it. His daughter is rightly #1 and this is how he chooses to raise her. I think he's making excellent decisions.

Presumably he knows about your boyfriend though… Also if he’s never met him, that statement means quite little - he doesn’t know him. What if you had introduced him and they got on well and he appreciated having another male role model around? I don’t think anyone should be in a relationship with anyone they don’t think would a good role model for their kids. If you don’t think that, end the relationship rather than live some weird double life.

Does she know you exist, or are you a secret from her? I think after 18 months-2 years, then you shouldn’t be hidden away. I’m not saying that you should move in and all that, but you should be introduced, and/or she should be made you exist.

As a parent and only 18 months in his attitude seems very sensible and as a plus point is he thought about it and is communicating clearly to you.

The problem is if it really is the same 7 years down the line if his DD is still unaware of you and then finds out or assumes you don't want to met her I can see problems.

I think as many PP have said it up to you decide if you are happy and if not walk away. The phase never make someone else a priority when the see you as an option - is springing to mind - and personally wouldn't be happy to campout at his house for 5 days a week every week but would see him when it suited.

Well yes, great that he puts his daughter before his relationship but I have a feeling that isn't something that will ever change and you'll still be his hidden secret he doesn't want her to deal with when she's in her 30's.

You do realise some families and children actually want boarding school it’s not always seen as some nasty sending your child away thing 😂 it’s boarding school not prison 😂😂

Yeah the longer it goes on the harder it will get. Then when they do eventually meet, the DD will probably find it weird and uncomfortable because the OP will already know her dad very well and they will have a shared history. Much harder than meeting someone that is a fairly recent addition to the dad’s life. And when she’s 16 she will have GCSEs so it won’t be a good time, a-levels won’t be good, then uni.

Also I don’t think it’s wonderful for a child’s emotional needs to be shipped off to a boarding school for the majority of the time.

I also agree with @PixieLaLar - I can see both sides and commend him for putting his daughter first but he should probably be in a much more casual relationship or none at all. It is not fair on OP (and I'm speaking as a separated mum who feels the same as him and know it's best I don't enter into a relationship with anyone at this point).

I’m more shocked at a child of 11, who has already been through parental loss, ending up weekly boarding at the pre-teen stage.

Unless this is absolutely necessary then no, he isn’t at all a good father and I’d assume the keeping OP a secret suits him for other reasons and his child is a convenient excuse!

I don’t think he’s unreasonable for having boundaries and his daughter’s needs must always come before yours. However you are completely entitled to decide if this is enough for you or not and whether you’re happy to continue living the way you do. If you decide it’s not enough you’re not unreasonable for walking away

It's a tricky one and I understand his pov but also feel your frustration. I wouldn't necessarily give up on the relationship unless there are other issues.

I separated about 15 months ago, and have had a new partner for most of that time (long back story!) - we both have 2 children and thought by now we would have introduced them to us and all the children to each other. It's not worked out though as there have been issues outside of our relationship that have prevented it so the introductions will now be an unspecified "later". We have however both agreed that there is no way we can move in together until the youngest is uni / left school age so that's at least 6 years away. We've settled for that as it works for us now, this might change (not the moving in) as might your situation.

Childish response, especially the silly emojis. No, boarding school at 11 is absolutely 100% a poor choice. She’s already lost her mum- her emotional security as she starts the teen years and gets to grips with the increasing understanding of what she’s lost is so, so much more important than her academic progress. In fact without the first, she’ll probably struggle with the second. Boarding school can absolutely be a positive choice… for an older teen with a good grounding and a positive attitude towards it. For an 11 year old - never. They need things at this age that institutional care actively takes away.

I agree with this. Odd that it is seen as dad of the year to keep a girlfriend secret. When this is a young girl dealing with bereavement and she’s literally being sent away from home. Fair enough teenagers wanting to board but generally it’s quite damaging for really young children to be sent away and there are so many adults who have said that being sent away damaged them.
I fully agree that it’s for some other reason that it’s also convenient to keep his life compartmentalised.

Totally agree. In a nutshell - what the boarding school thing tells me OP is that he’s selfish. And that makes the rest of it make sense too if you think about it. He just wants you in a box… because a box is much easier to drop in the trash. I’d walk away.

My son knows my partner now as an older teen.

He didn't for the previous 8 years. It was nothing to do with my partner, he is a wonderful man. My son has plenty of wonderful male role models in his life.

My romantic life wasn't the priority and I kept it away from my children. My sons having a parent who was 100% there and not dealing with step parent dynamic was my personal priority. That isn't for everyone but thankfully my partner appreciates it.

It meant my children met my partner at ages where they were secure and confident in expressing opinions. I don't believe younger children necessarily do if they feel it may upset a parent..

It also sounds like he sends her away for 6-8 weeks each year to relatives and holiday camps. Sounds like she has quite a lonely existence to be honest and it’s not going to get better when she’s also then away for most of each week at boarding school. I feel sad for the girl.

That’s fair enough. I definitely think that there should be caution about moving in a new partner. However if the new partner doesn’t move in, there’s less scope for kids to feel unhappy because their personal space isn’t being invaded. I think keeping a long term relationship secret is generally not great though because the child might see it as a betrayal once they do find out and could also be tricky with extended family having to avoid mentioning the partners name to the child. I appreciate it’s different for different people though.

Good for him. This is exactly how I have done things too as a single parent.

If it's not for you then that's perfectly fine too though. He's been honest, and if you don't like it, YANBU to walk away.

@Feelsodrained when I read some of the threads on here I do think I am an outlier 🤣.

I had in my head the lesser potentially damaging was the way I took. Knowing my sons personalities, both "people pleasing" nature until about this age influenced my decision.

Exactly! He’s dressing it up as putting his DD first and making clear boundaries but he’s not. It just suites him to have you both in these boxes.

He isn’t giving OP definitive answers when she asked when he will introduce her to DD he didn’t say he won’t he said “not yet” and he’s “unlikely” to want her in DDs life anytime soon “perhaps closer to 16”.
If his boundary is not introducing them till DD is 16 then he needs to say that and then
OP can decide if she’s ok with that or not.

He’s given a clear answer about not living together until DD moves out but not about introducing OP or even mentioning she exists.

Honestly the more I think about it the worse he sounds!

YABU imo, his daughter should be protected from new relationships for as long as possible. You could move in, she get very attached to you, and the relationship fail, then she looses you after loosing her mother.

Too many people do not protect their Dcs from a revolving door of relationships.
Good for him being upfront and honest with you, at least you can choose what you want to do about it. If it doesn't work for you, move on, but l would be impressed with his integrity and putting his daughters needs ahead of his own.....

Yes.

By all means he can have the boundary that they can't live together until the child approaches adulthood. but keeping the OP a complete secret isn't going to work for long. The girl is going to be less easily fooled as she reaches her teens, and then this secret will blow up in his face.
And even if she doesn;t catch on earlier, yes, at 16 she's going to be furious that she's been hoodwinked for seven years.

He wants a girlfriend.
You want a blended family.
Two different set ups.
This is not likely to work for you.