Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

[Suziana]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

He’s not unreasonable for his approach and you’re not unreasonable for how you feel. If this doesn’t work for you, then that’s ok. He’s made his boundaries very clear and it’s one of those where he’s doing what he feels is best for his child. You know where you stand with him and if that’s not the future you’re happy with, then this may not be what’s suited to you and your needs.

I think his being an amazing father. More parents should put their children before new partners.

You’re still getting to see your partner and will be doing five nights a week. He stops his child having a strange women move into her home and displace her life.

Perfect balance of putting children first without the whole ohh so single parents must be single / celibate forever bs. His got his child and his partner but they don’t need to be living together. Round of applause for him bravo sir 👏

I think that this is one of those neither of you are unreasonable situations and it would be understandable if you dumped him because your images of the future didn’t align.

Ime It’s fine that you’re not living together etc but I would have assumed an introduction by Christmas because getting along with his dd is necessary for this to be a long term relationship.

I know of a man who does this but it's because there are a couple of other women on the scene. His view is that he was widowed and isn't ready to settle with anyone else yet as he loved his wife so much no one else seems comparable. He doesn't want any of these women to be a part of his daughter's life as she has endured the heartache of losing her mother and he doesn't want a flow of stepmothers in her life.

It should be mentioned that the women in his life are in different countries and know about each other. He is a very wealthy man and that may be part of why the women are content with the time he spends with each of them.

He is being clear of his boundaries if they don't suit you need to walk. I can appreciate his stance as I kept my partner clear of my children for 8 years. I wanted no man in my children's lives until they were older. I don't regret it, but appreciate that it isn't for everyone.

My thinking was my children had been through enough. They need me and to know they will always be my priority over everyone.

You can have a difference of opinion without being rude. It is my interpretation based on OPs post where she says:

I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.

I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

I said twice I respect him putting his child first but not the way he’s treating OP by keeping her a secret when she clearly doesn’t want to be.

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I think hes absolutely right to do all that you've mentioned, I would too if I was in a relationship ( I'm a single parent )

It's not like your saying you want to see her and be part of her life, you just sound annoyed you cant sleep over. You've already said she has weeks away at holiday camp, you could take a holiday together then

Hes doing the right thing and I wish more men would do the same

I'm in his position and its simple if the man in my life can't accept it then I'm not the person for him. Its my boundary and he isn't crossing it. I will protect my daughter first and foremost. Yes we have plans for the future but they are in the future and once my dd is independent.

You are being rude by calling it a 'dirty secret' just because he doesn't want to introduce her to his daughter. The man has a clear boundary between his romantic/sexual relationship and his daughter. There is absolutely nothing 'dirty' about that.

You are also saying he shouldn't have any relationships at all, when many, many people want exactly that type of relationship. Some posters on this thread have described currently being in this type of relationship because it's what is right for them and their children. So it's also pretty rude to say their relationships shouldn't exist because you have deemed them dirty.

@Suziana he is showing you who he is. His daughter is his priority.

You are not "the one" for him sadly, you need to take heed. 💐

I do not think that either of you is unreasonable. Just sadly not compatible. He has been honest and direct with you about his plans and his priorities. Your aspirations are different. His experience of parenting, having been widowed when his daughter was so young, is different from yours. He is not wrong to have prioritised his daughter in the way he has. But I can see that it is hard for you. I suspect that your boyfriend will never give you what you are looking for. If the current situation is causing you pain you would do well to move on.

He can keep it separate and do things with the DD on his own and keep interactions with the OP minimal. However to not want them to meet and not tell the DD about the OP is taking it too far I think. I wouldn’t have that. I also can’t tell you how outright WEIRD I would have found it if as a teen, I discovered my mum had a boyfriend of several years that I didn’t know anything about and had never met. I’d find that so much harder than you know, meeting him. Fair enough don’t move in some random with criminal convictions after three months, but the idea that it’s bad for kids to see their parent in any sort of romantic relationship until they are fully grown up is batshit. Where will they learn about healthy relationships from? Why is it so bad for them to meet a new partner? How will they feel when they are grown up (eg 18) and suddenly their parent whips out their partner of 8 years and says “yeah this is Anna who I have been with for nearly a decade, she’s moving in now. I know I’ve never mentioned her but yeah, cool huh?”.
And how would it work with wider family? Can OP meet them? Or do the wider family have to be careful never to mention OP to the DD?
While I know a couple of people with horror step parent stories, the majority of my friends with stepparents love them and value them immensely and it seems a million miles away from the Mumsnet view that stepfamilies are the worst thing you can inflict on a child.

Sounds like he's putting his daughter first as he well should. If you can't live within these boundaries you should move on 💐

If these terms are ok with you then enjoy the relationship. If not then walk away. I don't think this is about anyone being unreasonable, more about whether you are compatible in how you'd like your relationship to progress.

Poor kid, losing her mother at such a young age, now being packed off to boarding school and not seeing her only parent 5 nights a week.

Also, if you will be staying in the house 5 nights a week whilst she's not there, there is no way she won't notice some changes/ traces when she returns at the weekends. You will be bound to leave something, move something, etc.

If I got to 16, and found my parent had been in a secret relationship for 7 years, I think I’d be pretty pissed off

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Well my 16 year old appreciates it and has thanked me for putting them first. ,🤷‍♀️

He says plenty of his friends feel they can't say anything about a step or potential step because they didn't have a voice when introduced.

Different strokes for different folks

I don't think you are being unreasonable in thinking and feeling the way that you are.
But I also think his stance is really recommendable. His daughter has lost her mother so he is especially keen to ensure that she has a parent 💯there for her. That's a sign of a very good father and sadly we see stories of the opposite here so much.
As other posters have said, it's up to you whether or not you can cope with being placed 2nd for such a long time.

He seems really caring of his DD’s feelings. So many men would just introduce a partner within a few months, so I really respect him for putting DD’s feelings first.

Look, I’d accept it if you really care and enjoy being with your other half.

He may change his mind in a few years time to let you move in. DD is only 7 and right now this is how he feels.

This was my first thought too about boarding school when I read all the comments applauding him for being the best Dad ever!

Theres having boundaries, but this is essentially him expecting OP to be kept a secret and also lying to his DD - who has actually already met OP but he pretended she wasn’t his partner!

How would his DD feel in x amount of years when he reveals he’s been in a secret relationship behind her back for years. Surely that would give her more issues than being honest.

Actually this is a good point. I’d be mortified if I found out at 16 that my dad had a secret partner of 8-9 years