Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

[Suziana]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

Does he put her needs ahead of his own? He doesn’t seem to see her much - she’s away for most of the holidays and is about to go to boarding school at age 11. He is proposing to live a double life essentially and reveal to her in 6 years time that he’s had a girlfriend all along, so she is likely to feel lied to and betrayed and probably not delighted at meeting the OP or having a relationship with her. I’m not sure that’s putting her first. I suspect he’s the sort of guy who doesn’t really do family life, likes to keep things neat and separate and less messy for whatever reason. But I’m not sure it’s best for this girl and I hope she has close relationships with some of the relatives she stays with during her holidays.
If I had a DC who had lost a parent, I’d focus primarily on being there for them, possibly going part time at work or flexi (he obviously isn’t short of cash if he can afford boarding school). Not send them to summer camps and relatives’ for weeks on end.

He works 8am - 6pm Monday to Thursday, 8am - 2pm on a Friday.
Currently the many provides all after school care as he isn’t home until 7.
He told me that he gave her two options

1. Day school but every night she would come home to an empty house and get herself to and from hobbies as nanny’s aren’t really a thing past primary
2. Weekly board, more opportunities for activity including being able to attend a school that allows her specialise in music which she hopes to make a career from

Obviously the child jumped at the opportunity to weekly board. While it’s damaging for some children I believe that is because they feel they are being sent away, for others it’s a choice and does them well.
My child also weekly boarded and loved it.
Being a single parent with long working hours is hard, she isn’t actually losing much if any time with her dad weekly boarding.

It could be that being a weekly boarder works best with his working hours/ commute. The alternative might be the girl coming home to an au pair/nanny/childminder and still not seeing her father til bedtime. At least as a weekly boarder she will have company and activities in the evening, people of her own age to socialise and eat with, someone to help with homework etc etc.

The mother died 7 years ago. It’s not sustainable to do that for the child’s entire life. He can afford to send her to boarding school because of his job, the same job doesn’t allow flexi working.
Equally camps are enriching and spending time with family is positive.

Sure, I was just questioning those saying that he’s putting his daughter above all else. Well it’s up to you what you decide to do but I wouldn’t be happy with it. I’d be totally on board with not living together or not until older. But to totally hide your existence from her, no way. I’d imagine the only people who would be okay with this are those who don’t actually want commitment and are happy with something casual. They would probably not want to play any meaningful role in the child’s life either so it’s no loss either way. But if you do want commitment then tell him this isn’t going to work long term.

Is this the same bloke who puts his poor kid in tennis club all summer?

He's cold and detached with his child, as he will be with you.

Absolutely amazing to read about a parent putting their child first above a new partner for once. All we ever see on mumsnet is parents moving their new partner of 6-12 months into their child’s home because “their happiness matters too” (bleh). Or “my partner hates my child, what should I do?”

OP, you have a keeper. He sounds very sensitive to her needs and protecting her childhood. It will be hard for her, having lost her mum. I would let him choose to parent her how he wants to, and look forward to building a relationship with her when she is sixteen.

I think it’s so odd how people respond to boarding here. Many child board for many reasons and that includes children who have lost a parent.
My child’s dad passed when she was 5. She still went to school like every other child and boarded at 11.
I still wanted - no needed a fulfilling career more than ever and my child jumped at the opportunity to weekly board.

Bereaved children are not damaged goods and adapting your whole life so they are never possibly left on their own isn’t healthy. It will allow them to develop a victim complex rather than resilience.

Boarding will not damage a bereaved child if they have chosen to do it - especially not many years after the death of the parent when they have found a new normal.

Gosh people here are very dramatic.

No this wasn’t me

So is he introducing you to his wider family and friends? Have they been informed not to mention you to his DD? Or is he proposing to keep you entirely separate from the rest of his life?

I don’t know if he actually plans to keep me a secret and not tell his daughter about me (I don’t think he does and I’m not sure why people think this) more that she will know about me but I won’t be in her life.

Yes after my applauding the guy for his considerate boundaries I did then think the same thing. Which kid really wants to be palmed off to boarding school realistically when they also have no mother. She'd also clearly see some evidence regards OP in the house during the week.

At some point child will come to think why was I packed off to boarding school for 5 days out the week whilst dad has time for his girlfriend but not me Monday to Friday.

Oh give off the child isn’t being forced to boarding school, she is choosing to go. Stop being so dramatic like she’s being sent to a bloody Victorian workhouse.

Also I never said he intended to keep me secret just he wouldn’t have me in her life.

People might think that because you said that you’d only met her very briefly and that he hadn’t said you were his girlfriend. And you didn’t say that he had any plans to tell her about your relationship.
What about his wider life? Are you a part of that or is it just the two of you when you do meet up? Where does his daughter think he goes when he disappears overnight once a week?

At first o was going to say how lucky you are, no involvement with my partner’s preteen girl sounds ideal to me! But then I read the holiday thing. No holidays just you and him sounds rubbish to me. I’d think better if this one and cut your losses, all too difficult

She knows he is staying with a friend.
Ive met his mum and dad, he’s met my mum.

I’ve messaged asking if he plans to mention me to her or keep me totally hidden.

Oh give off the child isn’t being forced to boarding school, she is choosing to go.

Well...her choice was that or 'come home to an empty house' 😕

I think not living together until she’s older is sensible. I think if he doesn’t want to mention the relationship at all, that is going too far and will likely backfire as she gets older and will feel pushed out and lied to and will see you as complicit in the lie. It also gives the impression that your relationship is wrong somehow.
The better approach is to tell her he has a girlfriend (it’s been a long time since the mum died so hardly inappropriate) and say that if she wants to, you could meet up and do something together but put the ball in her court. And also reassure her that she is the priority and nothing will change significantly. She might be curious and want to meet you. Some kids of single parents actively want them to find someone, others don’t.

I think you need to do what you need to do @Suziana 18 months isn't a long time in the scheme of things so you probably wouldn't have been thinking about actually moving in together for a while yet, if there were no children in the picture

He may not be 100% sure yet that your relationship will stand the test of time and not wanting to introduce you to his daughter is very sensible really. She was only 3 when her Mother died. But just because he may not be sure doesn't mean that he won't be sure at a point in the future. As I said above 18 months is not a very long time to get to know someone - especially if you only spend 1 night and a few hours together, most of the time

So, I don't think either of you are wrong - but depending what you both want out of life you may just be long-term incompatible.

Only you can say whether you can live with his boundaries for the next few years, with the knowledge that in the end things may not end up with the commitment you want, or to end the relationship now

Personally - I would wait while the Summer Holidays are here and until after the daughter starts weekly boarding school in the Autumn and see how you feel then, with seeing him a bit more often. You might find that spending more time in his company changes things - for good or for not so good?

one hand, I totally respect keeping a child (especially a young, bereaved one) separate from the parent's romantic relationships for a good long time. Only right that she's his priority. However, you must be your own.

You have to decide whether to proceed on these terms. If you're wanting a relationship where you live together, possibly get married in time, it's a very long time (until 16) to wait and see whether a very significant puzzle piece fits(not saying instantly) and you all get on.

I understand the man's approach but would only accept it if I only wanted a casual relationship myself (If I was to date a father. It was always a hard no because I don't have my own kids and didn't want the added complication). If I had a long term relationship in mind, I would want to know DD rather sooner than he is thinking. I wouldn't want to take up all her weekends with dad but when you eventually meet, if there is a clash, she isn't happy, it doesn't work out, where does that leave you? Starting all over again after what, 6 or 7 years?

@Feelsodrained @TheCultureHusks you're so right on this

What do you suggest dad does. Give up work?

This is true. What if, after 7 years, you do meet and she decides that she hates you and doesn’t want you in her life at all? 16 year olds aren’t always entirely rational after all. Will he then leave you after such a long time together? Or will you go back to being the secret girlfriend? If you meet her at an earlier stage a) she’s more likely to be flexible and adapt to the situation b) less aware of sexual relationships and less likely to see her dad having a girlfriend as ‘gross’ and ‘ici’ and c) you can see if you get on and if things are really difficult, you can decide whether to end the relationship as a result or find a work-around that the DD is okay with.

That should say ICK rather than ici

Sorry if I have missed any updates OP (on the App) but where does your 18yo fit in all this?
Have they left home?