Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

[Suziana]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

As an avoidant myself, this does sound like avoidant behaviour. He's really telling you that you're never going to be a full part of his or his daughter's life. Once you've done 7 years in one pattern, that's unlikely to change tbh. It would also look really weird for his daughter to suddenly discover Dad had a long-term GF all along. In all honesty, I don't think he's planning on committing to your relationship. If you want something more indepth and long-term, I'd cut your losses and move on.

I think his concealing of the relationship from her is beginning to be very emotionally dishonest. After 18 months he should know whether he sees a future with you. If he does, he needs to start being open with her otherwise she'll be horrified and deeply hurt down the line. If he doesn't, it's not fair to string you along. There's a huge middle ground between moving in together and pretending you don't exist and you're nowhere near it.

I can't imagine sending a child away who lost a parent. Says a lot about him

@Suziana

YANBU to want more from him, but I said YABU for the simple reason that he gets to decide 'who, what, when, where, why' of his child's life. The only thing in your power is whether or not what he wants for his child works for you.

Thinking about how I'd feel in your situation, I'd probably be OK with it from my current point of view. If I were to become single again I wouldn't want to marry or live with someone, and I'd want lots of free time.

But as far as 'my house will be mainly empty', why? If his DD isn't there then you should be sharing the travel at least. Assuming you want him at yours, of course.

I think people are giving the OP a hard time here. Yes, a lot of people wouldn't consider boarding school for their children but it is the norm in a lot of families. It is weekly boarding - not a prison camp. Having lived abroad, a lot of children opted for this rather than changing schools every two years. They all thrived and have grown into well balanced and successful adults. The question is whether the OP should stay in this relationship when she feels she is being hidden. While I applaud the father putting his daughter first, the OP could be a really good influence and a maternal figure in the child's life. She has raised her own daughter who also lost a parent and, I am sure, this would make her more sensitive to the situation.

You’re basically going to be a bit on the side to his life, no holidays, no christmases or birthdays together, forget family events like weddings etc as his daughter will be there, so it’s not really a relationship that is going to go anywhere, there is a difference between not moving someone in with your child to protect them and keeping them completely separate for the next 7 years (atleast)

Cut your losses OP.

I don't know if it is a good idea to compartmentalise your life like this? It is commendable that he is being sensitive to his daughters needs right now (many are not) but don't you think that if he felt she was mature enough to choose whether she lives at home or boards surely he could explain your relationship and she could choose whether to meet you or not and be guided by that? Nothing would have to change in the immediate future, it wouldn't mean that your instantly injected in to their bubble but at least she would be aware of your existence? Children are so much more perseptive that we give them credit for, she already probably wonders who this friend is and why he stays away for the night? Don't get me wrong it will be choppy waters from now on with puberty looming and losing her mum at such a young age but do you think that he may be not ready to actually move on himself and that is more the issue?

I think this post really nails it. You deserve a better lifecthen this. My mum had a best friend who had this exact relationship for 15 years. A bit different as she was the OW. Nonetheless after waiting and waiting for a change she died in an accident. All those years wasted.

He isn’t being unreasonable to choose to keep your relationship separate from his daughter. That’s up to him as her (only) parent. But you’re not unreasonable either if you decide this isn’t the type of set up you want.

I absolutely couldn’t disagree with you more.

Sounds like you and he are more on the same page than you think then.

If this is how you think - what’s the problem exactly? Basically, he’s asking you to show the same detachment and resilience you’ve both asked of your children at the age of 11, and to be happy with a relationship which is fairly physically distant. Why do you need everyday closeness and to be plugged into the detail of his life? You certainly don’t seem to think that that’s a necessity for a developing child, but you don’t like the thought of that for yourself?

Oh the irony!

Just tell yourself that it’s not healthy for him to adapt his whole life so that you’re never left on your own. You’ll never develop resilience that way, OP!

Not moving in together until she's moved out is fair enough. Assuming you don't intend to have kids together.

But the thing I'm side eyeing is not being part of her life until she is 16. Does that mean she won't know about you? And you won't meet her till then? It's one thing to be cautious with introductions but 7+ years is a bit over the top unless it is a casual relationship.

He would rather send his child away to live rather than have her live with him (and you)
Get any from him!

OP is getting some stick re boarding when it's really not what she asked. I didn't board but my lovely cousins did and had a great time, they speak about it very fondly. Depends on the kids, depends on the school and the home circumstances as to whether they'll be happy. If OP is saying her and her partners' children opted to board and are happy with that then why not take her word for it? State/ day school and wraparound nanny would surely be cheaper so it isn't as though there aren't options if she hates it.

OP I'm sorry all these 'parenting gurus' are throwing their irrelevant tuppence in. Half the husbands on this forum seem to run off at some stage and pay about a tenner a week for their children.

It's up to you whether this arrangement will be enough for you or you really want to find someone that can give you more. You can't guarantee that will happen in the future. You've got a grown up child so you're at a different stage of your life now from the usual age at which people settle so it may work for you if you also like your independence. You also don't have the hassle of trying to parent someone elses child which judging by the stories on here quite often isn't all sunshine and roses.

Well who knows whether this is fair or not but I can tell you that it wouldn't suit me at all. You can never stay over when his daughter is in residence right up to when she leaves home. I can tell you that I have a twenty something in the house at the moment and the other who is off on a placement has told me that next year he has another placement in a city a two hour drive away and he's planning on coming home at the weekends! There are normal men out there who want normal relationships (well at least a few) and I don't think I could be kept like some kind of grubby secret. One blended family I know, the children were very happy about their mother's remarriage and stepfather because they credited him with making their bereaved mother live again when she had been so very lonely and sad when widowed young.

How do you know that?

Do you know what he does? If his firm would allow it?

Unless you are planning to have kids with him then I don’t see any need to introduce you and it’s easy to keep your relationship between just the 2 of you.

I am very similar to him and as a single parent I have always kept my relationships separate to my child.

He’s just doing what he thinks is best for his child and I think that’s a huge green flag.
He will most likely relax a bit as the child gets older.

FWIW I have always been dead against boarding schools.

But looking back it’s something I wish I looked into as my DD would be at childcare/school from 7am-7pm and then we’d have barely any time in the evenings together (and I was tired from work) and so during the week we barely saw each other.

I was also on NMW and couldn’t afford nice things at the weekend.
She would have probably been much happier being in a boarding school during the week and then I could have gotten a better job and had more money for the weekends.

You do know that some children love boarding, don't you?

And weekly is the best of both worlds

For a start, all homework gets done at school!

Agree with this.

And both OP and her partner sound like sensible people, so the whole secret thing is even more unnecessary.

If the DD does like OP, she will have missed out on that relationship.

There may be a lot of very complicated emotions here for her about the idea of her dad being in a serious relationship; and indeed for him about the idea of it being serious and it being someone who has the potential to play a maternal role in her life. I can understand him not wanting to introduce you properly until he's certain that he wants to stay with you forever, and that she's in an emotional place to accept you into her life, which right when she has all of this change coming up with starting boarding school etc she may not.

They might ‘love it’ but lots of children also love junk food - doesn’t mean it’s good for them!
Whether or not they ‘love it’, could you be parted from your 11 year old most of the year? Know that she is in the san when sick rather than with you? I couldn’t. Plenty of time for living apart when 18+

This applies to parenting in general of up don't like children.

Most people want to have a relationship with their partner's children.

Sounds like he is keeping you for weekend sex. Are u Happy to be a bit on the side??

Whether or not they ‘love it’, could you be parted from your 11 year old most of the year?

Weekly boarding hardly equates to "half the year".

Am newly single and tbh my home and my kids will be out of boundaries to a 'patner' if ever have to date .