Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

[Suziana]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

He is being honest and doesn't want his child to have another mother figure in her life. (and to disappear).

If you like everything else about the man, I would continue as you are.
Do you want a marriage and children?
It perhaps is the right time for you, too, to lay your cards on the table and for you both to consider whether your long term goals can be met within the relationship.

Do you trust that he doesn't have another girlfriend? I would wonder about that.
I also think it's respectful to be introduced to his family, daughter and all, within the next few months, if you are going to stay together.

You’re hacked off because a parent is prioritising their child?

Weird.

I can understand that his child has experienced loss at a young age do really doesn't want her to experience any more if it's preventable.

It looks like there are plenty of plans for spending more time together over the next few years, so does it matter to you enough to end the relationship?

As others have said, it is perfectly reasonable for him to take this position and assuming he is not fobbing you off it's also admirable of him. He is putting the wellbeing of his daughter, who has been through a terribly traumatic event, ahead of his personal wellbeing.

It's totally up to you whether you are happy to accept what he is offering.

The only thing that sounds a bit odd is the idea that you’d move in 4/5 nights a week. Presumably he’s planning to tell his daughter about you at that point, since she’s going to definitely clock that there’s someone else basically living in her house? She might decide then that she wants to meet you and if he sees the two of you getting on then it might change his position.

In your shoes I’d hold off doing anything drastic until you see how the “semi living together” thing goes.

I totally respect him. You don’t know his daughter , her personality , or how she may be affected by meeting you. She lost her mother and only she and her father understand their own family dynamic and their grief.
His choice is a good one in my opinion but it’s completely reasonable however if this arrangement is not for you. Good luck

It is too far for you, but not for him and it’s good he’s been clear with you.

I actually respect what he’s doing, and it’s exactly what I’m doing.

What he has now works for him, so the onus is now on you to decide this is not the relationship you want and walk away or stay there, unfulfilled.

Agreed. I am inclined to be cynical - I can see why the OP suspects there may be some reason why this bloke doesn't want HER to get too close and it could be different with another partner.

Who would agree to move in four to five days a week but do a walk of shame, so to speak, back to their own flat when the DD came home? The DD will feel the presence of this woman in her father's home, one way or another, and the secrecy element on a very long term basis is odd.

Having seen this with a friend who has operated similarly post-divorce, it brings different challenges. A question of honesty/transparency has entered the child's relationship with the parent that didn't need to be there.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with that

Obviously the circumstances are sensitive, but even so. What do you want? What kind of relationship do you want?

They’ll be spending more nights together, not moving in, so presumably some nights at hers and others at his.

His daughter may be/become aware he’s dating, but knows she won’t be getting a stepmom and probably doesn’t need one as she’ll have strong relationships with a grandmother, aunts etc.

A good man. But it's your choice if his terms are acceptable to you.

I think he's just protecting his child. I don't ever mix my new partner with my family, so to me it's normal.

Why do you want to meet her?

I think you both want different things.

For once - a dad on mumsnet gets something right. OP - move on. He is not the man for you.

I can't really articulate this properly:

It wouldn't be for me, but I do respect what he's doing

Leave and find someone to go on holiday with, life is too short to play entertainer for someone who is not ready for a full, committed relationship - and he isn't, no matter what way you look at it

He's probably a great man, he sounds like a great father - but prioritise yourself

For me, a few years ago I met when out and had a few dates with a man who’d been widowed early and had a young DD. It was ok at first but as his only options for childcare were both their parents it made it tricky to see him. Plus I lived not that near but approx 40 mins to an hour away driving. In the end he’s a nice enough person but I wasn’t sure how to navigate the whole family issue.

I’d think carefully about what you want from this relationship.

I think he's doing 100% the right thing as a father and has been very open about his plans. But I also understand that this may not be the kind of relationship you're looking for in which case you'll have to make a decision about staying or walking away.

I applaud this guy. I am sick to death of hearing and reading about the merry go round of partners so many inflict on their poor children. I was one of those kids and have never in 10 years done the same thing once. My son's father does however have a long term relationship/ marriage with new half siblings and that has been a very good stable influence in my son's life. But I digress.....

You have to do what works for you. He sounds quite firm in his boundary setting, and that's a good sign from my point of view. But if it's not something that you feel comfortable with, you will just grow resentful. You can't continue with this hoping you'll change him. You have to accept what he's telling you and only you know if you are comfortable.

"I applaud this guy. I am sick to death of hearing and reading about the merry go round of partners so many inflict on their poor children"

Me too. Children are expected to put up with far too much disruption in their lives, IMO.

He's been honest about how he sees your future but if that's not enough I'd move on Op. I think you'll get fed up of living between two houses and making yourself scarce every weekend long before the seven years are up.

OP I understand your concern and I’d be worried in your situation that your partner isn’t wanting to introduce you to his daughter because he does not see a long term future for your relationship or is keeping his options open.

I respect what he’s doing but if that’s what he wants then he shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.

You would essentially be treated like a mistress, kept a secret, only allowed to come round when his DD isn’t there and must not leave any items around incase she sees.

Would you be kept a secret from his whole family? In case they accidentally slip up and mention your name in front of DD.

No holidays or weekends away, but you can be fitted in around DDs weekend hobby.

This is not the man for you OP.

Why shouldn't he be in a relationship with anyone? He set out his clear boundaries and then it's up to anyone he's dating to choose if that's for them or not. Obviously it wouldn't suit many women and the OP needs to decide if it suits her or not. But there are many, many women who this type of relationship would be ideal for. Not everyone wants what you want in life, many people are perfectly happy to simply date for many years while they have young children. Many people even want that type of relationship for ever. It's not uncommon among widows to have an exclusive, long term relationship but without ever living together.

I think the arrangement he is proposing in which he focuses entirely on either you or his daughter with his time and doesn't mix the two is a reasonable one. The 18 months to date isn't that long anyway, I wouldn't have expected anyone to be (effectively or fully) moving in etc in that timeframe anyway.
However, I'd be expecting

• To be openly acknowledged publicly as his girlfriend/partner, including to his daughter and family - not to be a "dirty secret"
• To occasionally interact with the daughter (and other family members) at least in passing - meeting in town for a coffee twice a year kind of level. It will be weirder for his daughter if she has never met you and suddenly when you do, you are a partner of ten years standing. This would include things like if the daughter suddenly needs to be picked up early from her club, not feeling you have to be bundled abruptly out of the back door etc (though you can be on your way out).
• To meet his friends and once you are spending more nights together occasionally go to e.g.: their adult events as a couple/see them as a couple.

It is also reasonable to want a closer and more intertwined relationship (shared decorating, finances, holidays etc) as time goes on and to be able to be there for each other in an emergency etc - you need to frankly discuss if he is going to want any of that and how you feel about his answer.

Because I don’t think it’s fair to expect any woman to be treated like a dirty secret, it’s disrespectful. Is that the sort of ‘relationship’ he would want for his own DD when she’s older, I very much doubt it!

Totally fine those are his boundaries and like I said I respect him for putting his DD first, but no I don’t think he should be getting in a relationship and just stick to casual dating.