Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

[Suziana]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

How about find a job that fits being an only parent. It is what millions of us do! I went from top four Law firm in my jurisdiction, working 80+ hours to state agency family friendly hours to ensure my children had me available.

I can never get over the failure to understand that having children means that life changes. I do feel very sorry for that young girl, because she doesn't have her only parent as her day to day rock.

My children do and it grounded them, he is storing up a lot of issues down the road. There are substantial research showing the impact on children who board but most people ignore it as "it didn't do them any harm"

Ironically not linking their inability to put a child need before their wants.🤦‍♀️

Not the point, I know, but boarding school children don't live at home for uni, neither do they stay living at home after uni. Although they always know they are welcome back at home whenever (and - in my experience - have a very close relationship with their parents and siblings).
NB. This is just MY experience of several dozen examples. I'm sure there are some that move home and never leave whilst concurrently despising their immediate family.

She is at university in America

I'd say it's absolutely his choice but it's also absolutely fine for you to decide this isn't the relationship for you in which case.

We will agree to disagree but I didn’t give up my work when my husband died. I couldn’t it was the one thing that kept me grounded, I’d have been a worse parent if I gave it up and made myself miserable.
Children choosing to board is fine. It won’t work for some but it down to their parents to figure out if it will work for their children.

It isn’t one size fits all, you have to trust a parent is putting their child first and I believe he is. So if people who don’t know him, their family or the situation want to stop showing outrage that would be nice.

It’s not your family, you don’t know them and you don’t have to agree with it.
Boarding works for many families. No one asked your opinion on boarding. So politely answer the question at hand and keep unrelated opinions to yourself.

Does she even know you and him socialise together?

Maybe she already does - Aunties, close family friends, she has grandparents so grandmother(s)…

(in response to poster saying it was sad the child does not have a motherly figure in her life)

I think it's a good thing he's considering his daughters needs in terms of keeping your relationship away from her, whether or not anyone here agrees with him is irrelevant. It's also good he's being up front and honest with you about it rather than stringing you along with false promises.

Having said that, I personally wouldn't be willing to deal with those restrictions on a relationship multiple years, sadly I'd see it as us just being incompatible if he didn't see us living together or having holidays together for the best part of a decade.

You'll have to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you or not.

I know what a mean things to say.

My lovely sister died at 33 and had 2 young children. Her husband has dated, (it's a small town we don't pry but do hear) but has never introduced the DC to anyone else. It has been 8 years.

And the children have a huge amount of women in their lives who all love them.

What you described is precisely what happened in a family we know. It's not gone well - the child now sees the parent in a totally different light and wonders what else has been hidden.

He told me that he gave her two options

1. Day school but every night she would come home to an empty house and get herself to and from hobbies as nanny’s aren’t really a thing past primary
2. Weekly board, more opportunities for activity including being able to attend a school that allows her specialise in music which she hopes to make a career from

Well I think it was pretty obvious which option he wanted her to ‘choose’ isn’t it.
Why wasn’t there an
option 3.
Start secondary school continuing to have the nanny for the first year while she adjusts/gets a bit older and can take taxis to her hobbies.

7pm really isn’t that late for her Dad to get home, at least they would still be able to have dinner together and it’s only 4 nights of the week. Hopefully she will enjoy boarding school but I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up resenting him when shes older, especially when she finds out Dads had a girlfriend who’s been staying over in the week that he hid from her for however many years.

“I have widowed friends, all of their children have motherly figures in their lives - grandmothers; aunts; close friends of their dead mothers.
My own mother grew up without a mother but with other mother figures - she did not want, or need, a stepmother.”

“No one needs a step mother as a mother figure.”

Why is a stepmother automatically considered bad and ‘not needed’? She might well be able to fill the mothering role much better than eg a friend of the deceased mum because she will have closer involvement and maybe live with them. At the end of the day, a friend of the deceased mum is unlikely to provide that and a grandmother may not be around that long or live close. Not saying all stepmums are saints but to just write off someone as not needed as a role model just because they’re a stepmum is odd. I know they seem generally hated here but in some countries, stepparents are known as bonus parents and step kids as bonus kids which I think is a nicer way of thinking about it. Not a replacement but an addition.

Drama. He can reduce hours, nothing close to ‘give up work’ 🙄

@Suziana so don't express an opinion on a public forum. Eh nope thank you.

No he can’t, in many industries that’s not an option. He runs his own business, he can’t just give up hours. He only earns while he is working, paid directly from client to him reducing hours will make him less appealing to clients and hurt his daughter as she currently lives a lovely life.

He works 8am - 6pm Monday to Thursday, 8am - 2pm on a Friday.
Currently the many provides all after school care as he isn’t home until 7.
He told me that he gave her two options

• Day school but every night she would come home to an empty house and get herself to and from hobbies as nanny’s aren’t really a thing past primary
• Weekly board, more opportunities for activity including being able to attend a school that allows her specialise in music which she hopes to make a career from

But there was a 3rd option @Suziana if he really was thinking about the best interests of his daughter.

He could get another job. He's not owned by his job. He could change it to one which offered him the chance to actually be there for her, he could introduce you slowly and gradually so his little girl had the chance to become part of a close family. It's not that boarding school & you being a secret was her choice, he just never offered it her. For some reason....

I think the problem is this.

@Suziana admirable defence of him. eta sp.

It does not resolve your dilemma though, does it?

You should rightly be acknowledged as an important part of his life, as is his daughter.

I don’t see that. I don’t see that op wants a full-on blended family. I interpret it that op doesn’t want to be excluded and/ or a secret, and that she has a friendly relationship with the daughter. She’s not trying or wanting to be a stepmum.

It could be something as simple as being in the family home when the daughter is home, if only for a cup of coffee. Not living two separate lives, and tip- toeing around when daughter is home. At the moment, it seems that wouldn’t be allowed and the op is fully excluded.

Personally, I have a lot of respect for a guy who wants to put his child ahead of his relationship.

Why are you so keen to be a step-parent, given that there does not seem to be a single advantage to being one?

I don’t think she really is to be honest. She just wants to have some sort of relationship with the DD, not to be her new mummy or something. And if she’s with the guy long term, she will have to meet the DD at some point. I doubt they will have a wonderful close relationship when the DD turns 16 if that’s the first the DD has heard of it and she’s been kept in the dark by her dad and grandparents for all this time. Especially as she was also put in boarding school (sorry OP but no matter how enthusiastic she is now, she might feel different when she’s older and finds out about her dad’s secret life). If you are a parent you either have to accept that your relationship will include your kids to some extent (although not necessarily living together) or don’t enter into long term commitments because it’s not fair to compartmentalise your life like that. For any of the people involved, children or adults. That doesn’t mean the OP should be forced onto the DD but keeping secrets will no doubt backfire.

And also seeing as parenthood is a lifelong thing she will have to meet the DD at some point. Better to do it now than wait 10 years and cause all sorts of issues. Also many adult DCs live at home in adulthood. My BIL and his sisters (who all went to boarding school at a young age) all moved home straight after uni. He has left but one sister still lives with the parents and she is mid 30s. So the idea that at 16 all will be fine is hopelessly naive but by then, OP will have been with him 8 years rather than 18 months and separating could be a lot harder and more traumatic.

OP I get you on the boarding situation. My brothers wife passed away when their daughter was a toddler. He gave up work for 1 year, hated it was verging on depression, went back on reduced hours and hated it, still felt like he was close to depression, so he took on the full hours, His daughter had a fulltime nanny, went to a lovely prep school, spent holidays with family. She started boarding in senior school, once again loved it. She would come home every Friday night, he took her for a lovely fancy dinner every other week, take out at home the other week.
She is now 23, works 20 minutes from her dad, they both take a long lunch once a week and have lunch together, they are closer than ever.
He never dated when she lived at home, but now has a partner (he came out as a gay), they are all super close.
Mumsnet likes to view boarding as rich people neglect when in actuality for some children it is so much better, It is about knowing if it is a good fit for your child. My niece has always been very independent. And you are right bereaved children shouldn't be wrapped in cotton wool, they still have to grow up and function like everyone else, treating them like they are broken will do them no favours.

As for your situation, If he tells his DD in a "I have girlfriend, you don't have to meet her, she will stay here some nights when you are at school but won't move in, you can meet her when you are ready" I'd be ok with it, if he plans to keep you totally hidden I wouldn't be ok with that and it could create trust issues down the line.