Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

[Suziana]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

If you get 5 days a week hes child who lost her mother deserves hes UNDEVIDED attention he sounds fantastic!

It rather depends if he is
Being sensible & protective or
Using it as an excuse to keep a partner dangling because he wants a PT gf but not a lifetime partner.
I would guess you're not totally sure....in which case a gap to think may help clarify.

It sounds like he wants a casual, but monogamous relationship with you that will never go further. But you need to talk to him about it. But do not start with "will I ever really meet your daughter" Start with, "do you see our relationship ever going past the once-a-week date and sleepover?" And demand an answer about a timeline. Does he plan to string you along until the child is full grown?
Because to me it sounds like he sees this as you all having a booty call schedule that will never go further and you think you are all in a regular relationship with a natural progression.
Because if he did see you as permanent, he would be slowly introducing his daughter to you so that she isn't blindsided if you all take it to the next level.

I wouldn't be happy with that either OP. I'd want to feel we were a family and have a relationship with his DD. I also would be totally against her going away to school too. Poor kid. Her Mum died and now she barely gets to be with her Dad either!

It may be what he wants and there is someone who is happy with that but I'm not sure it's you, sorry.

Everyone saying he puts his dd forst and it's commendable... It reads to me as though he ships her off as often as possible and keeping his options open.

As someone in a very similar position I find it does the child no good to keep them away from reality and the real world.

One long term relationship is not parading a ton of women through her life.
And putting his life on hold until she decides to move out is in my opinion (from my experience in this situation a long time) bad parenting and not going to help when it comes to the child not becoming or feeling very entitled

I hate to say it but this isn't a partner. A partner is one who integrates their life with the other person. You aren't sharing life experiences. You just share a bed a few nights a week.

No problem him waiting a bit longer, but going against the grain here by saying I don't think I could accept this. There is no guarantee even that she will leave for good at 18 - so many are boomeranging until late 20s now! I personally think it will much harder to introduce her to you - let alone moving in - when she is a teenager/ young woman who might still want to be at home.

As a teenager, I would have felt very put out and weird, if my parent had been keeping a long-term (as in years long) relationship secret from me.

I had something similar to the OP's situation for almost 9 years, the difference being that his kids were grown adults and lived their own lives over 200miles away.
In all those years, he never once told them he was seeing me, if one of them called when he was with me, he wouldn't answer their call immediately but would leave the house and call them back from in his car.
In the end, he finished the relationship, saying that he couldn't be in a relationship because his children (30 & 33) wouldn't approve!
I'm now perfectly happy on my own, without all his ridiculousness, but questioning myself about why I let it drag on for so long.
My advice to the OP is to get out now while you can, before it drags into something like I had.

100% this

I applaud him for being cautious and considerate to his daughter’s feelings. So many threads where a partner doesn’t like the other child/ren to the point some sound absolutely poisonous to the child.

what is the plan when she is at week boarding? Will you see more of each other after work? Would you be happy with this arrangement?

does he tell you he loves you? Woo’d you or does it feel more like a friends with benefits thing?

only you can know if you are comfortable with this arrangement. Should you make yourself less available to him and see what the outcome is?

I'm a bit confused OP, you say "We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays...The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter"
So does that mean last summer she was at camp for a few weeks and will be at camp for a few weeks this summer, and then once at secondary school will stop the summer camps?
Are you in the UK, I know there are a few camps for kids in the UK, but I didn't realise they were for such young kids or more than a fortnight.
I can understand why he's opting for weekly boarding as I imagine it will be easier than having a live in nanny, I assume he works long hours and not the usual 9-5 or has to travel for work hence needing a boarding option.
I think he's right to go slow, and you've only been with him for 18 months, which really isn't very long. You may find as the relationship grows, he re considers his time frames, but for now he's looking out for his DD, which is the right thing to do, especially as she's got a big change coming up with secondary school. He's right to not make any other changes whilst she's adjusting to the new school. I can also understand why it's important for them just to be the two of them Friday - Monday morning. She'll need that time, and she won't want to share those precious hours with him. Holidays are a bit different as private schools have longer holidays (basing this on you being in the UK), but I think it's not unreasonable that it's just the two of them and extended family for her first year until things are more settled.
But he's made it clear his daughter is his priority and that's as it should be, it's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not..

Maybe your "partner" ( I wouldn't call him that ) has had his fingers burnt with a relationship after he was widowed, which did not last long and left him disappointed. Now he is prioritising his DD. 18 months is not a long time, end it if you are wanting more commitment.

"Should you make yourself less available to him and see what the outcome is?"

This.* *Sounds as if he wants to have his cake and eat it. Try ignoring his calls and texts and see how he likes that.

@Iloveshihtzus

"No one needs a step mother as a mother figure."

There is a very mean thing to say. Sometimes people might have great subsisting relationships with their separated parents or, if they have sadly lost a parent, with others in their family. In that case, yes they might not 'need' a step parent as a parental figure. Other families are not that close (I barely know my aunts) or just don't have the demographics to support that.

I know of many people who benefitted greatly from a stable step parent in their life.

When I was a lone parent, I was the only adult my DS had any regular contact with, let alone male adult. My DP has been a very positive father figure in his life.

Or do you specifically mean female step parents? (misogynistic fairytale trope much).

At the risk of being cynical he’s more likely to be keeping you away from his daughter as he doesn’t think you’ll be around much longer so no point. He’s keeping his options open.
If he saw you as a long term thing you’d of been introduced to her by now.

And it just so funny that this guy is messing his partner around (to the point where some posters here don’t even think he should be considered a partner) and shipping his daughter off to boarding school but he’s still praised to the hilt 😆

You're a fuck buddy and nothing more. Dump him and find someone that actually brings something to your relationship than just sex and empty promises

The boarding is a side show. You want to be in a public relationship. That’s ok. He worries about how his daughter would react. That’s ok too. I think you need a frank discussion about this and your respective visions for the short, medium and long term futures to see if they are compatible. Being kept a secret for at least another 5 years might not be acceptable to you. Only you can decide.

I’ve messaged asking if he plans to mention me to her or keep me totally hidden
Why isn’t this a face-to-face conversation? It seems a bit odd to me that you’ve been together 18 months and don’t seem to have discussed the future, or what you’re both looking for in a relationship.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to find out how he sees your relationship.

It's great he wants to prioritise this girl who has been through so much. And I can see that it might not be the best time to introduce you fully when she's about to go off to boarding school.

But waiting years is ridiculous. How does he see that working out? Hi daughter, surprise! I've been secretly in a relationship with X for Y years. Aren't you happy for us?

There's a difference between protection and secretiveness. I'm sorry but I don't think he sees you as long term.

So he wants you to hang about for another 6 years being a part time girlfriend, then maybe he will introduce you to his daughter when she is a teenager and will be facing lots of challenges already.