To cancel lunch as people not bothered about attending

[DazedAndConfused2024]

Have organised weekend lunch as part of a friendly effort to get to know school parents with whom our children are friendly.
The date was given a few weeks ago, initial acceptances made - but now getting cancellations, elaborate reasons why x can’t come.
I’m beginning to lose the will to live and am wondering if I should just cancel entirely. I can’t be bothered to make an effort when seemingly there’s not much interest.

Don't cancel, @DazedAndConfused2024. That makes flakes more important than people who stick by their word.

You're doing a good thing. Well done you.

And good on you OP for trying. There are so many threads saying people find it hard to make connections as adults with other adults. If people have great social lives and busy weekends and strong wide variety friendship groups then all they need to say is that they can not or don't want to attend. But saying you will and flaking out is just so rude and disrespectful.
But agree with PP, use it as a filter to end up with quality not quantity.
Hope you make a few connections and have a good time.

I don't think it's weird at all! But maybe that's why everyone jumps on me when I suggest mutual favour swaps in the holidays etc, saying people don't have those sorts of networks. I always have had, but I suppose looking back I've put the effort into building them and will turn up to the opening of an envelope. Which some people view as transactional but I see it as community building. Each to their own I guess but hope you find your crew OP.

Just cancel

Yup

Can’t think of anything worse. I would have made an excuse up from the off though.

I wouldn't cancel, it's not fair on those who said they would come and you might all have a lovely time. I can understand people not going though, I'm a parent and I don't have the time to see my own friends and family as much as I'd like so have zero interest in making more or spending time with other people. I'm sure there are other working parents who feel the same. There will also be parents who are lonely and want to make friends so it is nice of you to be putting the offer out there.

don't cancel - you;ll get the reputation as a flake then!

just go ahead with whoever can come. a smaller amount (even if it's only one or two) could still be great - you might make a brilliant new friend. at least you'll be able to chat more than you would if loads of people had come.

i think you're brilliant for trying - please do see it through. wimps like me wouldn't dare organise something like this, but i always appreciate the people that do x

How lovely of you to host this, OP!! If there's still a few people coming I wouldn't cancel. I'm sure they'll really appreciate the effort, and they'll be the ones looking to get to know other parents. Hope you have a lovely time!!

then you probably wouldn't have accepted the invitation

I'd not cancel. That sends, as others say, a message to the ones attending that they aren't important enough for your company/event.

See who comes, if it is just 2 or 3 of you adjust things accordingly, be bright about it and smile and try to be a good host. If they have a good time, you may find attendance is plentiful next time and/or other people begin to organise things.

I feel your pain OP - I run a hobby group and the flaking is ridiculous!

I felt sorry for a friend- organised her 40th party. A really big do - months in advance. 150 invited - she had 120 acceptances- on the day, SEVENTY people flaked out last minute and she was left with 50 people in a venue with catering for 120

totally unacceptable

As you can see, some people want to hang out at the weekend, others don't. Just focus on the ones that do.

My experience with interacting with other school parents is that it tends to be women meeting up in the week (coffee or out for a meal/pub in the evening) or going to the park after school.

At the weekend it's school events (which there are lots of in the summer in primary), children's parties in the afternoon (also many) or parents only parties in the evening. As you get older, it's standing on the touchline or by the side of swimming pool.

I've never been invited to lunch.It does wipe the whole day out if you work and have other important stuff to do.

I wouldn't cancel but going forward I wouldn't plan a lunchtime event like this again, it is a bit of a PITA and I think people feel pressured into saying yes because they don't want to look rude.

100%. It is really nice what you are doing. Some people will attend, and you’ll have a great time. Don’t let the no-shows spoil your lunch.

It’s best to keep it low key initially if you want to meet other parents say meet at a pub. When ours were at primary all the class parents would be invited to pub drinks. About 8 would come. We are still all local couple friends and do lots of fun stuff and socialise all the time 10 years later. Occasionally hear murmurs of “clique” but think well you had your chance we did invite everyone initially too late now love!

That's awful.
You've reminded me of this thread!
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4687519-partiesevents-and-turnout-in-general-in-your-experience

I invited a lot of people (I forget exactly but at least 100) people to my 40th. It wasn't even the small number who did attend, it was WHO! None of my old friends. My Dad didn't as the act I'd paid to put on 'wasn't his cup of tea', two other close friends (a couple) didn't come as their cat was ill which I since found out was a lie-I'd offered to pay for their taxi there too!

If you cancel then you are saying to those who wanted to come that they aren't a good enough reason for you to still have the lunch.

Even if only a couple of people come, that's a couple of people who could end up being friends.

I'm sure your just trying to be nice but thats so cringy.

If a random mam on the school run told me about a 'get to know you lunch', I would have smiled politely and given some non committal answer like 'sounds lovely, I'll check' because I hate confrontation. Then I would have avoided them like the plague forever more because they are either overly social (not my type, Im low energy) or a weirdo whose going to latch on and drain my time.

Its a school run not a team building exercise, I'm not there to get to know people or make 'friends'. That is my kids world and THEIR friends... I have my own friends who I found through shared personality and interests.

My mam was autistic (high functioning but slightly socially 'off') and would try to befriend the other parents. It always ended in weirdness and drama that effected me and I won't do that to my kids. Their world is theirs and I'm just there to aid it.

I'll make polite small talk at the gate and at parties if someone specifically engages me (usual questions are things like asking how old my toddler is) like I would with anyone in a social situation but thats the absolute max.

I mean I barely have time for my own life and friends with 3 kids so why would I be look to make even more social work for myself. I'm have ZERO time for dinner dates with strangers to do 'ice breaker sessions' assuming that because we happened to pop a kid out within 12 months of each other so 'must' be friends. I don't even get time to go out on lunch dates with my DH.

A lot of people just want to chill out at the weekends or meet up with a couple of friends. Its disappointing when you've made the effort and they initially said they would come.

Did the OP say it was at the weekend?
I think its perfectly normal for Mums with kids in the same class to get together for a pub night etc from time to time. Arranging a lunchtime gathering is equally fine. I hope you went ahead with it. Nothing cringeworthy about. MN has a very 'unique' readership sometimes !

For an event where people don't already know each other, I'd expect at least 50% to flake out. So it depends how many are still going.

The 1 or 2 people that still come will be worth it. Don't be a flake yourself and cancel! Just double check with people individually that they are still coming.

I mean that's lovely that you have such a great social life, but maybe think about those who don't for whatever reason and would like to create one !!! Not everyone is fortunate enough to be in your position. People might have moved areas for work, or other personal reasons. It's incredibly hard when people like you are so rude about our efforts to create some kind of community. We don't all have long standing friends around!!

OP I think you have done a lovely thing, and should definitely go ahead with those who do turn up. If it doesn't work ou5, you can shrug and say, oh well they weren't the people for me. There are plenty of people around who look to make friends at any time of life.