To cancel lunch as people not bothered about attending

[DazedAndConfused2024]

Have organised weekend lunch as part of a friendly effort to get to know school parents with whom our children are friendly.
The date was given a few weeks ago, initial acceptances made - but now getting cancellations, elaborate reasons why x can’t come.
I’m beginning to lose the will to live and am wondering if I should just cancel entirely. I can’t be bothered to make an effort when seemingly there’s not much interest.

As stated previously I wouldn't be able to say anything like that because of the anxiety and talking to people I don't know.

Would this not make your anxiety feel worse, in that you'd spend the next x amount of days/weeks worring about cancelling, where as if you'd have said no to start with it would be something thats over and done with.

You're the one who said you would "find a reason to cancel" so clearly you're judging your own reasons as spurious.

Anxiety isn't a reason to mess people around. If you recognise that you struggle to decline when asked on the spot you practice some stock decline responses until they come more easily. You don't just shrug and say it's fine for me to inconvenience others because I'm more important.

I've never said I'd find a reason to cancel - I probably wouldn't say "sorry I'm to anxious to meet up today" if I didn't know the person which this OP's event is lots of people who don't know each other meeting in the hope they enjoy each others company. Because of the shitty responses I've had to that in the past. I'd probably actually get my carer to call and tell them I was unwell - which actually isn't a lie.
If it's people I trust and know I absolutely say "my anxiety is being a bitch today - so I'm not coming sorry"

No; it would give me something to work towards to try to look forward too in the hope that I could make it.
But this thread has shown me I should just ignore all invites to anything and just never even try to go out!

You literally said you would "find a reason to cancel." That's a quote from you.

@CosyLemur you can just say by message to the individual host " hey my health means I often have to drop out" no need to mention anxiety.
It strikes me that you are expecting lots of empathy , understanding and leeway but are giving none back. Your host may have anxiety/be lonely / be trying to rebuild a life by reaching out. They may also have bought extra snacks, cleaned the house etc etc They need empathy and frankly, basic human manners of not dropping out last minute.

Yes, but I meant if my anxiety meant I couldn't go. I realise that my writing hasn't been great but I'm having trouble saying what I need to.

Or people could just realise that people rarely cancel things last minute for no reason and that there might be something going on in their life that don't want to discuss with others - which should be perfectly okay.
I don't drop out at the last minute unless I absolutely need to, the OP didn't mention dropping out at the last minute - she said people had said yes then changed their minds.

Or people could just realise that people rarely cancel things last minute for no reason

that's clearly not true though.
A lot of people do somehow think it isn't important if they drop out of something last minute.

The whole thread is about how people do indeed drop out for small reasons!
Also , you said yourself you often have to drop out, so the responsibility is on you to prepare people for that!

Not necessarily! Speaking on behalf of the lovely introverts out there, who would get anxiety over this (whilst probably initially accepting!) and probably a stomach ache during the build up.

Why the hell should she have to divulge her medical symptoms? I will say yes and fully intend to be there. On the rare occasions my disability flares then I will have to cancel but my acceptance was made sincerely. Anyone could be ill, with or without a disability - why do disabled people have to say unless they’re ill and not everyone else too?!?

It's irrelevant how nice you are on the inside if you're persistently treating others poorly.

Due to regularity of letting people down, and, you know, common courtesy. When I was very unwell, I was often unable to attend even up to the hour before, but lots of people really wanted to look after me by inviting me to lunch etc. So every invite, I replied yes to but with the apology from me that I may cancel last minute so please don't get anything special in. It helped to explain to people rather than get a reputation as rude as I was really struggling to socialise on a regular basis. It also meant that people kept inviting me so when I got better I had maintained the relationship

@WinterTreacle you've said you will rarely cancel, so not the same situation

Honestly, responding to this chain is probably causing you upset. I think unless people have or have experience of others who are affected they will never truly understand. You want to go and intend to, then, on the day, the walls edge in. Been there, not great. True friends know but this is acquaintances - I’ve learned to say no straight away to that sort of invite now (took a while!).

I think I’m likely older. I was a people pleaser and tried to ignore my disability and not let others down. It wasn’t until a good friend just told me years ago to say no to acquaintance/work do’s as you know you’ll be ruminating over them for weeks building up to it, in case you’re ill.
it was great advice! I have a physical disability which means some days I can’t walk.
Made a massive difference to me to just say no. This lady may not be quite there yet and deserves understanding and kindness too.

Aaah that’s a shame you think that way. No one has said they always treat people poorly, though, have they? Or have I missed something? It’s a school acquaintance do.

I mean that you can't read someone's mind or look into their soul, you can only go on how they behave towards you.

For example if I kept inviting someone over, they kept saying yes and then cancelling last minute I can only go by what they are doing. You can be the nicest person in the world on the inside but realistically people will stop trying because they don't know that.

That old chestnut again. I have (diagnosed) generalised anxiety disorder. I don't use it as an excuse to mess people around and I don't try to manipulate people by claiming they're ableist if they object to my poor behaviour.

Me too!

I'd say if 2 or 3 families are coming that's fine. More chance that people will make meaningful relationships with a small number of parents than if they just say hello to 30 people and then forget them all again the next day.

No one has said they always treat people poorly, though, have they? Or have I missed something? It’s a school acquaintance do.

It is a person who has put themselves out, to invite people to what they think will be a nice, sociable lunch. Cancelling at the last minute, or worse, just not turning up, is treating people poorly. So yes, it seems you have missed something.
Particularly - as the thread has moved on - the posters who say they regularly find they can't attend events, but aren't prepared to give the host that head's up.