To cancel lunch as people not bothered about attending

[DazedAndConfused2024]

Have organised weekend lunch as part of a friendly effort to get to know school parents with whom our children are friendly.
The date was given a few weeks ago, initial acceptances made - but now getting cancellations, elaborate reasons why x can’t come.
I’m beginning to lose the will to live and am wondering if I should just cancel entirely. I can’t be bothered to make an effort when seemingly there’s not much interest.

I'd feel like I had to say yes, but I really wouldn't want to go, so would probably find a reason to cancel. Weekends are family time, a time when we don't think about school until bedtime on the Sunday.

Did the lunch go ahead OP?

Why? Just why would you say yes and then cancel, rather than just say no from the outset? Do you not realise how rude and ignorant that is?

For me it would depend how it's asked, I have anxiety, autism and MH issues.
If I'm asked face to face I'd have to say yes even though I wouldn't want to go because my anxiety around upsetting people wouldn't let me say no.
Asked on front of my kids with a "and all the kids can have fun playing together" again I'd have to initially say yes because you've excited the kids and again you've triggered my anxiety.
In a mass group message where people have already accepted - again I'd say yes so I don't look like a dick in front of everyone
An individual message is literally the only I'd be able to decline without having a full blown panic attack - because anxiety is a bitch and when you throw in everything else I'm just about treading water but could go under any second!

I've found it to be the opposite actually, now they're teens they want taking here, there and everywhere. They have sports clubs so matches, competitions, training etc.
Pre-teen we had none of that and I'd have been able to arrange to do things like a group meet up etc.

Because I have autism and anxiety - and suddenly having a suggestion of meeting up sprung upon me causes a very physical reaction in my body. I physically can't say no for fear of upsetting whoever is making the suggestion. It's even worse if it's someone I've never spoken to before.
You don't know what is going on in anyone else's life - so don't judge! Do you realise how ableist you are by calling me rude and ignorant?

OP has disappeared, but I have friends whose kids are in their twenties, and they still can't contemplate leaving the little family for even two hours once every few months.

So if someone doesn't want to come to the pub then you no longer interact with them - don't you sound nice and friendly!

If someone doesn't want to come anywhere with me, then yes, they are likely not my friend. I will say hello at the school gates, but if they repeatedly cancel on me, for whatever reason, they are not my friend.

Is it with kids or without? Is it at a pub or are you hosting? Weekends for me the kids activities come first and there would be bo time for this type of thing due to various clubs and having to socialise with people I barely know with my kjds in tow just fills me with dread as thay are a handful. Paying for a lunch, yes I could afford this but I do know many people a pub lunch would not be affordable for. I would go with whoever still wants to join and organise something less stressfull for people in future like juat a casual meetbin the park for a couple of hours. Formal lunch is a big ask I think.

Right. So people should expect to be messed around, spending time and money organising events that people will bail on - otherwise they are ableist? Good to know. I also have anxiety by the way, and actually a majority of people I work with are autistic (such is my line of work), but we don't use that to justify messing other people around.

It's just beyond belief.

I have other disabilities also, many that mean I don't know from one day to the next if I'll even be able to get out of bed. Should I just decline everything I get invited to so I'm not seen as a flake?
People who know me, respect me and are worth having around me - wouldn't call me a flake and also don't expect me to give them a full medical history of why I might cancel at the last minute!
FFS! I might even be dressed and have the taxi ordered when my body decides to collapse on me - but yeah I'm a flake!

You can be disabled and also respectful to other people

In reality most couldn’t think of anything worse, u don’t need to be involved with the parents of yr kids friends, most try to avoid those sort of parents.

But if my disability means that I suddenly can't go not because I don't want to but because my body won't let me - what am I supposed to do?
My health both physical and mental are more important to me that meeting up with a group of people I don't know. Who will totally disregard my health and call me a flake!
What am I meant to do - just say no to every invite I get?
All the parents I know are totally accepting of each other and we all know that anyone of us could cancel at any time - because we put our kids needs above any other needs.
That for me means that if I'm having a difficult health day - I keep all the limited capacity I can do make sure I can be there for them, to feed them, entertain them etc; and if that means I cancel going to a lunch date with randoms I don't know then that's what I'll do!

When you accept you say something like " I'd love to but just to let you know I may have to not attend last minute as i have bad days"
I had to do this during an unwell time and it meant no one had unexpected cancellation.

And yes , if they are ' randoms' as you so kindly describe people who are not worth your time, you should decline the invite as you presumably don't want to socialise with 'randoms' so don't lead them to think you want to be friends if that's what you really think, that's just cruel

Yeah I'm not good with people who say one thing while expecting me to know that they mean something completely different. I'd stop asking as it would be too complicated for me.

Some people might be really looking forward to this so get deposits from people to encourage firm commitment

Cancelling due to fluctuating health is entirely different from cancelling due to having felt social pressure to accept when you knew all along you didn't plan to attend. I do accept that autism and anxiety might make you react irrationally in the moment (we are a neurodiverse family too) but trying to justify this and making out OP is in the wrong for being upset about it isn't really on. Maybe she's anxious too and has tried to put herself out there for the sake of her kids, who are in turn excited? Some things can't be helped but a majority of people flaking with flimsy excuses points to something else.

You're changing the goalposts or putting up a strawman. You initially said you accept invitations when you have zero intention of going to the event, which people challenged. You then started talking about being unable to go to an event because of an unpredictable health problem, acted like people were challenging that, and calling them ablelist.

@CosyLemur you are just changing things as you go along here.

@GCAcademic is quite right with her original post saying that if people don't want to go to something, they should just say up front "No thanks" or "Sorry, we can't make it" and everyone moves on. For people generally - as per this thread, and what the OP described - it is rude and selfish to behave like that.
You have no cause to be calling her names.

With your drip feed that you have days when you can't get out of bed, that is a completely different scenario. In your, individual situation then you say "I'd love to come if I am well enough on the day. Unfortunately I do sometimes have days when I'm not well enough to leave the house and don't really get notice of them." Everyone would be completely understanding of that unusual scenario, but let's not pretend that is the situation for all the people who say they will come to something then drop out without a valid reason.

As stated previously I wouldn't be able to say anything like that because of the anxiety and talking to people I don't know. So it would be either - a quick yes or a "that sounds lovely"
But I should be able to go home think about it and change my mind!
Who gets to decide what is a valid reason and what isn't?
Would a valid reason be the kids have had a falling out at school at now don't want to spend any time together? Would a valid reason be actually my eldest is really stressed about his GCSEs so we're going to go to the beach for the day so he can de-stress? Would a valid reason be actually I've had a massive unexpected bill to pay this week now I can't afford it?

I actually never expect people to give me a reason because you don't know what's going on in someone else's life if someone cancels on me I just reply with "no worries I hope everything is okay, let me know if you need anything"!

No but you message after saying yes and say "oops meant to say, I can be up and down healthwise so a yes from me normally means 50/50 on the day . Hope that's OK, so don't count me as a solid yes" that way your anxiety allows you to answer yes quickly in person. And also your poor host doesn't have people flaking on the day.