To cancel lunch as people not bothered about attending

[DazedAndConfused2024]

Have organised weekend lunch as part of a friendly effort to get to know school parents with whom our children are friendly.
The date was given a few weeks ago, initial acceptances made - but now getting cancellations, elaborate reasons why x can’t come.
I’m beginning to lose the will to live and am wondering if I should just cancel entirely. I can’t be bothered to make an effort when seemingly there’s not much interest.

"just make friends with the parents of the kids that your child picks as friends"

but you might have nothing in common with them!

I’d cancel but I have no qualms showing that I can’t be arsed running after people and tolerating bullshit haha. Sends the message that people can’t walk all over you. Honestly it works, I have plenty of high quality friends!

This happens every time there is a school mums night out/lunch out/get together. About 20 say they’ll come. Then on the day they all bail and about 5 end up out. But tbh it’s nice. You get to know people better and now there is a core group of 5 or 6 who are really good friends

Even if only one comes, that person may really need a day out.

I think you have quite high expectations here.. you don't really know these people and you do know they have kids.. so of course many would flake out.
When you take on doing stuff like this you have to have thick skin and be quite chilled about it.
Either cancel it and never attempt to host a gathering again because you can't deal with this type of thing
Or just continue with it, let go of expectations, see who turns up and make the best of it.
I've done big events hosting a few times and you'll get people who seem super interested from the get go then flake out.. and you'll get random people who turn up having never expressed interest but at the last minute attend.. and everything in between.
It can be frustrating. But if this is something you want to do you just have to go with the flow.
At the events I organised I did end up having a very good time despite stuff like that happening. So my advice would be to just stick with it but try to detach a little and not take no shows so personally. Lower your expectations and I'm sure you'll have a good time with people in what ever way that manifests itself.

People are wrong to except an invite if it's already in their mind at the time that they won't attend.

IMO I do also think that just because your DC has made friends with another/group of DC at school not every parent wants or feels the need to be friends with those DC's parents, friendly yes, friends not so much.

I keep it more casual a park then grab a coffee. Op am find people so flaky these days or they never follow up plans to meet. So I dont bother asking now

I agree with others who have suggested going ahead this time, presuming there are some still available - even if just a tiny group, it’s nice to get to know a few (non-flaky) people. Honestly though I wouldn’t bother again as it can seem thankless organising these meet-ups. From my previous experience, there was often less than 10 parents who would come, from a school with 2 classes of 30 in each year.

I’ve found that people often dislike sacrificing their free time, or many work weekends when they have school age kids. Or older children to ferry around, and some have difficulty mixing due to anxiety etc. None of these are a reason to accept and invitation then cancel though, that’s just rude.

You’ll likely get to know the other parents from class parties, that’s how I broke the ice when DD started reception. She had an October birthday and we invited the whole class - obvs stressful at the time but then meant I had lots of other parents phone numbers after, and knew many of the faces at least.

It's definitely quality over quantity with friends. The "weekends are family time only" lot aren't going to make for good companionship.

They may be genuinely busy or may just be flaky.

But surely this is a good way to find out who may be flaky in the future and who is up for making friends.

If only 2 out of 10 show up, so what.
At least you’ll get to know them and can invite just those 2 next time.

It sounds like you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face.
Not everyone is showing up so you want to cancel it completely and stop anyone showing up, which is counterproductive.

There are people wanting to show up so it’s unfair to tar them all with the same brush.

It is disappointing though and I understand your frustrations but I think you should go ahead still.

Don’t cancel if there’s still people coming. There might be people looking forward to it and you could end up getting to know the ones who do come well.

@DazedAndConfused2024 if it's for the purpose of getting to know people then cancelling completely won't help that will it? Even just a few is better than none surely.

Don’t cancel. I’ve been trying to make more friends at school and would love it if someone organised this type of thing. The type of people that still come are the ones you can rely on, even if it’s two or three you’ll still have a lovely time. Don’t let the flaky ones win! Still go, have a great time! Tell the ones that dropped out how nice it was.

A friend had something similar, 30 ladies rsvp-ed yes and at the end it was only 6 of us turning up. My friend was really disappointed in the ones not showing up but we still had a lovely evening!

It must be worse when you've rented a space and then 80% of people flake and you've still got to go ahead with a tiny group.

People are intolerably flakey these days. Perhaps I am old fashioned but if I say I'll attend something then that is the plan, not the plan unless a better offer comes along or I don't 100% feel like going. I am old enough to remember the first time someone texted me to cancel coming to dinner for no good reason (at my house, a small group and I had made a big effort). It really struck me that if she had had to phone me to cancel, she probably wouldn't have had the guts to do so and that from here on in, the ability to cancel things via text, WhatsApp etc would be a gamechanger in terms of social norms. And so it's proved.

I stopped organising stuff for that reason. I only organise things with very close friends or family. Tried awhile ago to have a house party with new people I have met on a few ocassions and almost noone could come do cancelled and never bother again

If there are a few people stilll wanting to come, its probably those few who you want to be friendly with anyway. Ie those open to friendship etc.

If you can't think of anything worse or are a massive introvert, decline the invite! Don't say 'yes, we'd love to' and then flake out a day or two before.

Agree totally. I have stopped organising group events. People cancel literally 15 minutes before they have to show.

But you just say no. Nobody has an issue with people saying no. It's the ones who say yes and drop out near the time for no reason other than something else came up they want to do or can not be bothered (genuine emergency completely different). which is basically saying you are low down on my priorities and I don't care about your effort to organise this.
Increasingly common unfortunately.

For all those people giving reasons why they wouldn't like an event like this, that's fine but accepting and then dropping out last minute is shitty unless there is a really genuine reason.

People need to develop the ability to decline in the first place.

And that's fine. It's just don't say yes in the first place and then flake. Not saying yes is not rude but not replying/flaking just is.

@Maddy70 that's rude. OP has kindly offered to host. People are welcome to accept the invitation or decline, as they wish. But having accepted, they shouldn't drop out

OP, I agree with a PP, it would be rude to cancel the event as it would give the impression you can't bothered if your A list friends aren't coming