To cancel lunch as people not bothered about attending

[DazedAndConfused2024]

Have organised weekend lunch as part of a friendly effort to get to know school parents with whom our children are friendly.
The date was given a few weeks ago, initial acceptances made - but now getting cancellations, elaborate reasons why x can’t come.
I’m beginning to lose the will to live and am wondering if I should just cancel entirely. I can’t be bothered to make an effort when seemingly there’s not much interest.

My school friends weren’t that like minded the two I adore both emigrated permanently. Uni friends are lovely but have their own families and live miles away we meet up sporadically. Self employed but my old job was international so work friends in different countries. We moved out of London. The local friends we met through kids 16 years ago I still see about 3 times a week for coffee / drinks / sports / activities/ days out/ festivals . Trips away. Hardly any of our kids are still friends but doesn’t matter. Life would be pretty dull without the latter group!

I think this thread brings up an interesting social phenomenon though of those parents who think they are so so busy with their family. I have one in my friend group. She's a lovely person but turns down nearly everything as she is 'running the kids around 'got too much to do' she's fully on board with the 'I can only wash and dry my hair once a week as I'm just so busy' (she has a shoulder length bob) and you would honestly swear every night Is minute by minute timetabled.
Often she spends her night sending me tiktoks or Instagram posts. I honestly think she FEELS incredibly busy and overwhelmed but in reality she has lots of down time. What worries me is people feel terribly overwhelmed , but instead of choosing wholesome things that will boost them in the long run, increasingly we are choosing solitude with our best mate, the smart phone.

Be straightforward. Message the group: "Seems we're dropping like flies! What do you all think? Go ahead with the few who CAN make it or reschedule?" Then either have lunch with a few or leave it. Probably DON'T reschedule though!

Lucky you! You have gotten rid of the flakey ones and now you get to just have the nice stable parents over for lunch! That would be my take on it but then Im not in to large gatherings...

Your initial approach to get to know people might be a bit OTT.

A weekend "lunch" is not obviously that child or family friendly.

They don't know you.

We all know from experience, that your children's friends' parents are the people you're most likely to socialise with for all the years through school.

But if I were you, I'd make it bbq, not sit down lunch, and all activities focussed on children either in the garden or inside (weather dependent). Just make it about the kids - because right now that's the only thing you have in common.

For those adults not able to attend, I'd still say children welcome.

My children are all grown up, but if I was invited to an adult-focussed lunch by a parent of a classmate who I didn't know so well, I'd be wary.

Sometimes you have to let things progress at a natural speed. And when you have children, you can have enough play dates to really get to know mum and sometimes dad and click with them, and work out if you want to spend your (valuable free and family time) with them.

Just, was the lunch mainly for you as mum and a person?

Because if it was, it is OTT for other parents who are not yet your friends.

I used to do at home parties for selling stuff. We were told to tell hosts to overinvite by one third because people cancel. I had ones where 50% or more cancelled. But those who did come had a good time. Trying to organise any events with school people that are not to do with school are pretty impossible though tbh.

If it's just 2 or 3 of you, go ahead. Weekend time is usually busy, so don't take it personally. If a sort of playdate it's easier but if just Mums it's not easy to commit as often other things going on. Let these things develop naturally, have a coffee with one, go out with another. Personally I've always had too much going on to arrange or go to such an event, I have friends I need to make time for to catch up with. Are you trying to create a new friendship group? That's lovely but not everyone can or wants to do this, as I said, absolutely nothing personal to you, it's just life. Xx

I get this, free time after working all week, catching up with chores, family and friends, special occasions, kids' invites to parties on a weekend. We have to priorities and needs to be planned well in advance. Xx

😳🙄🥲 Not necessarily. You're not all joined at the hip. You can separate and do different things at a weekend.

As @DazedAndConfused2024 hasn't come back, and hasn't answered any questions, then maybe the lunch was today?

However, I agree with others that if you cancel, then you are saying to the people who have accepted "It's not worth doing for you" which really isn't a good look.
Even if one family come, then that is one family you have got to know better than you did before.

That's coming from someone who thinks it a bit odd to invite a load of people you don't really know, round for lunch.

Dull.........

This. The few who are not cancelling at the last minute are the ones who you want to meet. Within those who cancelled, the ones with a valid reason and feeling bad about cancelling, will probably reach out to rearrange. Don't change plans out of frustration for those who don't deserve your attention.

The bigger the number the less people feel responsible.

Was this an adults-only lunch? If so, were you expecting both mums and dads to attend?

Depending on the answer to that, the people cancelling might be (a) not fancying spending their precious weekend time around loads of other people’s kids, (b) unable to find childcare for their dc so that both mum and dad can attend an event based on their dc, when what they’d probably quite like to do when there’s some precious available childcare is escape parenthood temporarily, (c) mums who are sick of spending their precious child-free time networking with other mums and adding to their mental load, while dads get to spend their child free time playing golf, cycling etc. and wouldn’t dream of going to a sit-down lunch with other dads.

Personally, by Saturday I am exhausted from my working week, and if I’ve got time off from parenting that I don’t have to use for laundry or cleaning or life admin, I’m going to be using it to replenish my tired soul by doing something for myself. This sounds like the kind of event that would hoover up the last drops of that time and completely burn me out.

Smug introverts? 🙂🙂 Yes I am introvert and I also spend 50 hrs a week out of the house as I work FT with a commute. Such assumptions m!

Which is why you are fully entitled to say no. That's not what the thread is about.

Cancel with something like ‘Hi everyone! The lunch is proving difficult to arrange so I’ll cancel it. If anyone else fancies trying to organise another, let me know if I can help.’

7 pages of responses and the OP hasn't bothered coming back.
Looks like they've ducked out without even giving an excuse!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I do think you should plough ahead this invite could mean everything to someone. It doesn’t have to be a big thing it can be scaled back but maybe for one of those mums this is the invite she’s been needing.

I would do the lunch for the few that are coming. Its a nice gesture. Keep it simple though, just in case any more drop out. Don't go to a lot of extra expense. I hope you make a new freind or two from those who do come.

Which is fine - if you don't want to socialise with people at a weekend, I assume you'd simply decline at the outset.

The issue is the accepting and then declining and making excuses nearer the date.

Are you coming back to engage with the thread @DazedAndConfused2024 ?

People cancelling on you is equally as annoying as it would be you cancelling on the people who intend on going. So no I wouldn’t cancel.

‘Yes’ people really frustrate me though - if you don’t fancy it just say no from the get go

Concentrate on those that are coming and not the ones that aren't.

So did you cancel?