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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

205 replies

Maria1979 · 02/06/2024 17:29

I've got a son who's 14 y old on the autism spectrum + very immature. He loves to play w younger children but needs to be told off sometimes to be careful: he's not trying to intentionally hurt someone but fooling around on the beach w younger children two of my friend's younger children (who are my younger son's friends) later on told my friend's husband that he had been rough. Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys. The thing is this is my BF and we see each other a lot w our children. My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt but I do realise that we should have played closer attention w DH but since noone went in to the water and they were running around on the beach we "relaxed" and talked w the adults.
I'm torn between understanding her husband for wanting to protect his children (he wasn't present) and btw feeling his reaction is exaggerated. Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger" but not more mature than the other children present ? I'm hurt that my friend just choose to go on her husband's line cause I don't think she realises that this will mean the end of us getting together. My older son is highly dependant on me and does not have a social life on his own so I have to bring him everywhere. He's 14, my younger 10 and her children are 7 and 10...

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 02/06/2024 17:31

For me it would depend on what happened.

You say nobody got really hurt so presumably somebody did get hurt?

duchessofsilk · 02/06/2024 17:35

Depends on what happened. If someone got hurt then yes, you are remiss not to be watching him more closely. Of course he didnt mean to hurt anyone but that doesnt stop an injury being painful and upsetting. Maybe the younger kids dont want to see him after this? so many variables at play here that makes it hard to ascertain if its reasonable or not.

MrMotivatorsLeotard · 02/06/2024 17:35

I think you have to respect that the parents have set a boundary that they feel is necessary to keep their children safe and feeling safe.

You’ve said that he sometimes needs to be told to be more careful and also said that you didn’t supervise things as closely as you should have done- I can see why the dad has chosen to draw this line in the sand and perhaps this isn’t the first time that this has happened.

That said, I completely understand why you feel crushed by the decision.

Whinge · 02/06/2024 17:36

nobody got really hurt

So someone got hurt, if so what happend?

It sounds like emotions are running high, and while it seems like an extreme reaction we have no idea of the history. It doesn't sound like this is an isolated incident, and if other measures haven't prevented injuries, he may think this is the only way to stop the children from being hurt.

OhHelloMiss · 02/06/2024 17:38

I'm thinking this has probably been building for some time and not the first 'rough play' he has seen or heard about

Someone got hurt. It needs nipping in the bud and as your son will only grow bigger, it does sound like it's run it's course

Can't you see your friend child free?

TheKeatingFive · 02/06/2024 17:38

If the children felt he had been rough with them, it's understandable if they don't want to play with him again. That's the bottom line I'm afraid.

Theredoubtableskins · 02/06/2024 17:41

It’s not the first time it’s happened; this is an ongoing issue. Their own children will be getting older and a bit more rambunctious themselves, which means they’ll have a bit more rough play but can handle it as they’re all the same size. Their rough play will probably encourage your boy, and he takes it too far and gets too rough with them? So their kids aren’t safe.

They’ve now seen an occasion where you didn’t watch him properly, and he got out of hand. They don’t want their kids put in that situation again. Why would they?

Your job is to look after your son, which includes watching him so he stays under control and other people are safe around him. You didn’t do that.

Their job is to keep their kids safe. They are doing that. They gave it a chance as a group but it’s not working out anymore.

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 02/06/2024 17:42

It may be that your friends children told their Dad they don’t want to socialise with your DS. Your younger son is more used to and aware of his brother, whereas they may struggle with a much larger and older child being boisterous.

Or your friends husband may recognise that this is not an ideal situation for his children to be in.

Either way, it seems more like an issue around compatibility and parents assuming children will get along because they do, than exclusion. Her priority will always be her children, as will yours.

Can you see your friend alone?

Garibaldhead · 02/06/2024 17:42

Gently, YABU. 14 is significantly older and bigger than 7. It's not appropriate for them to play together if there's a risk he is going to hurt them. Unfortunately, my children spent time with an older autistic boy and I found out later he was talking about really inappropriate stuff with them. Although they may seem to have a similar level of maturity, they are not the same age. It would be better for him to spend time with similar children of his own age if at all possible.

OhmygodDont · 02/06/2024 17:43

Depends what happened but a 14 year old
is much bigger and stronger than a 10
year old.

Also like a pp maybe the children don’t want to play with him at all and the father has agreed to be the bad guy.

Sirzy · 02/06/2024 17:44

Personally I don’t think this is about your son but your lack of supervision and if that has left him feeling his children aren’t safe then that’s fair enough. You say he has promised not to play wildly again but if he has that understanding/ control it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

unfortunatly your son will be a lot bigger and stronger that the other children so it does reach a point where the play may become inappropriate for everyone.

InterIgnis · 02/06/2024 17:44

She’s ‘obeying’ him? Or she’s in agreement with him after telling him what happened and expressing her concerns?

It’s easier for one or both of you to make him ‘the bad guy’, but in truth he isn’t the bad guy at all for wanting to prevent harm coming to his children.

It may very well be that the children themselves don’t enjoy being around your son and don’t want to be, and at 7 and 10 they’re old enough to have formed and expressed an opinion.

Londonrach1 · 02/06/2024 17:45

Depends on what he was doing re playing. Younger children don't have the strength he has. On the fence here but if younger child unhappy with the play and scared to interact yabu. If not yanbu. If the children don't want to play with him again it's their choice! What do the children say. I'm mostly on yabu but though ...how you feel if your DS was playing with 18 or 21 year olds.....similar age difference. It really depends on what your DS was doing.

Theredoubtableskins · 02/06/2024 17:45

Also, Does your younger son get time with his friends alone? Because that’s also very important.

If his friends are saying they don’t want to play with his brother because he hurts them, then you need to ensure he maintains his friendships and gets time without his brother to see them.

biscuitsnow · 02/06/2024 17:45

Also like a pp maybe the children don’t want to play with him at all and the father has agreed to be the bad guy

I suspect this is what happened, the kids felt uncomfortable with the roughness and now dont want to play with him any more so the dad has now said no. Its hard for younger children to tell a much older non related child that they feel uncomfortable so they most likely told their dad hence his reaction

Boatonalake · 02/06/2024 17:46

You need to supervise him more closely in these sorts of situations OP.
Is your friend's DH aware that this means his wife won't be able to meet up with her friend as often? I find his approach heavy-handed tbh.
The situation could work fine with close adult supervision. But close supervision is a must.

ageratum1 · 02/06/2024 17:47

I suspect this has come from your friend who found it less awkward to say it was her DH's idea

pizzaHeart · 02/06/2024 17:48

I think it’s the result of your own doing - you knew the situation and didn’t watch closely. Now friend’s husband can’t trust you anymore and just put a blanket rule - no playing together.
Disclaimer: my child has additional needs so much less mature than her peers. I teach her and watch her. It’s hard I would rather relax but it’s the only way.
I was also on receiving end of this situation with other parents, I just don’t get together with them anymore, this approach is much simpler.

OhHelloMiss · 02/06/2024 17:48

It's unfair on your younger children though. They should still be able to see their friends without the brother dominating things.

Harsh as it sounds but you need to leave him at home for future meet ups, and inform the parents of this.

duchessofsilk · 02/06/2024 17:49

ageratum1 · 02/06/2024 17:47

I suspect this has come from your friend who found it less awkward to say it was her DH's idea

Yes, I wondered that too- it's easier for her to say it's her DH than to potentially upset her close friend. I think your use of the word "obey" is a bit weird here too- she may well be in full agreement with him.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 02/06/2024 17:50

A child that got injured or hurt shouldn’t be forced to hang out with the child that did it just because his mum thinks it’s exclusionary to have it otherwise.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 02/06/2024 17:51

You are advocating for your child and they are advocating for theirs. I would also be concerned about a child twice my children’s age acting in a way that could hurt them. Yes your child has additional needs which make him act younger than his years but he will be an awful lot stronger than a 7 year old and I would also be suggesting they play differently or not at all.

Boatonalake · 02/06/2024 17:51

OhHelloMiss · 02/06/2024 17:48

It's unfair on your younger children though. They should still be able to see their friends without the brother dominating things.

Harsh as it sounds but you need to leave him at home for future meet ups, and inform the parents of this.

Many autistic 14 year olds can 't be left home alone so I can see how the OP might find this difficult to organise. It's not the same as with a NT child.

Danioyellow · 02/06/2024 17:51

Sirzy · 02/06/2024 17:44

Personally I don’t think this is about your son but your lack of supervision and if that has left him feeling his children aren’t safe then that’s fair enough. You say he has promised not to play wildly again but if he has that understanding/ control it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

unfortunatly your son will be a lot bigger and stronger that the other children so it does reach a point where the play may become inappropriate for everyone.

Exactly this. You’ve failed to properly supervise your son to the point that he’s repeatedly hurting other children, and now the other adults have had to step in to protect their child. It’s cheeky as fuck to try and put blame on your friend or their partner for putting their foot down, no matter who it was, their feeling are valid. Your son is quickly approaching adult size and still playing with lower primary children, and you admit that he’s too rough! You should have been watching him like a hawk when you know he can and will injure someone!

User1979289 · 02/06/2024 17:53

I think you are naive to take what she has said at face value. If a 14yo was playing roughly with my 7 and year old and hurt them I would be very concerned that you seem oblivious to how serious this could be. I think your friend is taking the easy way to back out of your life with no confrontation.