Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

[Maria1979]

I've got a son who's 14 y old on the autism spectrum + very immature. He loves to play w younger children but needs to be told off sometimes to be careful: he's not trying to intentionally hurt someone but fooling around on the beach w younger children two of my friend's younger children (who are my younger son's friends) later on told my friend's husband that he had been rough. Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys. The thing is this is my BF and we see each other a lot w our children. My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt but I do realise that we should have played closer attention w DH but since noone went in to the water and they were running around on the beach we "relaxed" and talked w the adults.
I'm torn between understanding her husband for wanting to protect his children (he wasn't present) and btw feeling his reaction is exaggerated. Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger" but not more mature than the other children present ? I'm hurt that my friend just choose to go on her husband's line cause I don't think she realises that this will mean the end of us getting together. My older son is highly dependant on me and does not have a social life on his own so I have to bring him everywhere. He's 14, my younger 10 and her children are 7 and 10...

Got to say the style of play should have been nipped in the bud. I've always watched my son super closely when he's been in a mixed-age dynamic, not just because he's a tall kid, but for his own protection because I've seen NT kids go for him and then try to blame him afterward.

That being said, I know the struggle when you're with an old friend, the kids are playing, and you just want to catch up without breaking off conversation. IMO I would have set my son to a different (still fun) task to cool the dynamic down.

Sadly this. As much as you'd like your son to be included most parents will step in and not allow their children around rough play. While no one was hurt honestly better to stop it before someone does get hurt. Your son is getting older I'd nip playing with younger children now. It opens him up to accusations as well as other children being hurt.

He has not pushed anyone in the sand before.. and he has not hurt anyone before. Usually we go out walking outside or swim in the ocean or play board games. I always watch out for him not to get too excited. I let down my guard for one evening and this is the result. Ofcourse he was told off after the first child came crying and they started to build sand castles again. But 10 minutes later they were running around and there you go. Other children came crying as well for different reasons, one had said this and one kicked another and someone stole the shovel and another threw sand, nothing to do w mine.

The other children wanted to keep playing w him so there were no hard feelings. And my friend thought her children were being precious and told them to stop whining and we told off our son and I thought that was it. But, hey ho. My husband is quite upset about it all and tells me to just drop the friendship. I guess I will cause there is next to nothing in place for SEN children where I live so he's w me basically all the time. To people who judge my lapse of attention this particular evening (ofcourse I SHOULD have watched him, he is my responsability and I selfishly enjoyed myself for once but; walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me (too severely).

To people who judge my lapse of attention this particular evening (ofcourse I SHOULD have watched him, he is my responsability and I selfishly enjoyed myself for once but; walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me (too severely).

No, he is both yours AND your husband's responsibility. Why doesn't your husband ever take over to give you a break?- what was he doing whilst all this was going on- if your husband is now so upset about this incident then why didnt he supervise your son a bit more closely to give you a break?

Op I do feel for you because it seems like you just let your guard down once and it happened. Maybe it's best the friendship moves on because you can't really come back from this. Unfortunately it just comes down to a 14yo pushing a 7yo and under any circumstances that just isn't acceptable. The parents and the children may have just felt that was twice too many.

And my friend thought her children were being precious and told them to stop whining

In fairness, this is not placing your friend in a great light either.

You all need to start paying attention to the children when they tell you they are uncomfortable with the situation.

He brings in the money and I do the childcare. I was happy with this when the children were young.. now not so much. I would love to work in the field I went to university for but who would take care of my son? And my husband is less patient than I so winds up yelling which only aggravates the situation. So I rather deal with my son myself than cleaning up the aftermath.

You’re not answering questions about why your husband can’t watch DC so that you can meet friend for adult time?!
I think your husband is being unreasonable … telling you to ditch the friendship with your ‘best friend’…. Surely he should be saying ‘arrange to meet up and I’ll look after DS’

Or invite your best friend to yours for a coffee and she can leave her DC home with her husband!

Excluding ND, 14 and 7 is a risky mix - just takes one thing to go wrong and it'll be an issue. Haven't voted YABU but don't think your friend is in the wrong.

And my husband is less patient than I so winds up yelling which only aggravates the situation. So I rather deal with my son myself than cleaning up the aftermath

Your husband is coming across really badly here. He won’t do any child care, never gives you so much as an hours break to go out, yells at your son, winds everyone up to the point you have to fix the consequences and yet it’s apparently your friend who is in the wrong here? Forget your friend, you need to be way more pissed off with him. Sorry but he sounds like a dick.

It’s very sad, but don’t ditch the friendship. She isn’t doing anything wrong..

OP, it hurts when somebody says your child is not welcome
You can see your friend without your 14 yr old.

I did pay attention when they were sad. My friend has another parenting style and in all fairness she knows her children and can see the difference when they are overplaying and when they are serious. Like I can tell immediately if my children are playing up to get someone into trouble or if they are truly hurt (emotionally or physically). I just realised how difficult it is to tell the whole story in a post, how easy it is to draw conclusions from a comment. I will bear that in mind when reading other OPs.. my friend is a great mum to her children, she is tough and so are they. And they stuck out their tounge at their mum so Im sure they were not traumatised. I'm quite sensitive and so are my children so we use a different vocabulary to say the same things. Nothing is better or worse, just different as parents and children are different.

Our son apologised. I did not call my friend's husband to apologise.

Tbh I can't see how you can do meet ups now. You leave your kid at home while meeting up with her and her kids. Your son won't understand. Its absolutely their right to not want the younger kids in an accident but she'll have to accept that you both can't hang out anymore.

I think id just let it drift tbh. If she asks to meet then you'll have to say you can't leave the bairn. You'll let her know when you've got some child free time.

I did pay attention when they were sad. My friend has another parenting style and in all fairness she knows her children and can see the difference when they are overplaying and when they are serious.

From everything you have said it sounds like she dismissed their concerns far too lightly, so they talked to their dad instead. And they were right to do so.

@Maria1979

You need to just accept things as they are
Your son is far away too old to be playing with them in the first place.
Boys at 14 yrs old can be quite big strapping lads to being or quite opposite quite slim build too.

You need to just accept things as they are
Your son is far away too old to be playing with them in the first place

Yes. I think I would consider this as the natural point this stops now. Your son is 14, he is far too old to be playing with kids that age and it’s no wonder they got hurt.

As your son gets older it will then become less and less age appropriate anyway for them to play together so I think I would use this as an opportunity to try to see if I can arrange for him to meet other ND kids more his own age for forming friendships.

Yep. I just talked to her and told her that sadly we can't hang out anymore. My youngest son will lose a friend as well but that's life.

Hi Op, I’m sure this is tricky for you. I have to admit I wouldn’t like a 14 year old playing rough with my 7 year old, mainly due to the size. Can you encourage the kids to do something other than rough mucking about play?

I’m confused as to why her husband who was too busy doing drugs is getting involved when he wasn’t even there and the wife was she she was ok with it - why is she going along with this?
On a separate note as it can sometimes in general be hard to find things for all ages - why doesn’t your husband sometimes take your son out or look after him at home while you go out with your friend and your youngest or whoever. He’s clearly not at work 24:7.

I can't understand why your husband cannot look after his child for a couple of hours, he does not work 24/7

then your youngest son can still see his friend.

As it appears it is your youngest son who is going to miss out in all of this.

be very careful ' My youngest son will lose a friend as well but that's life.'
one day your youngest may resent his older brother.

This is very true. Your younger child should not have to have his friendships tethered to his brother. There are some siblings programs so your younger son can do things without his brother. I'd look into that and maybe respite for you as well. You older son will only get bigger an stronger. Innocent or not this will mostly continue to happen and your youngest deserves to have friends and fun separate from his brother.