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Original poster

Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

205 replies

Maria1979 · 02/06/2024 17:29

I've got a son who's 14 y old on the autism spectrum + very immature. He loves to play w younger children but needs to be told off sometimes to be careful: he's not trying to intentionally hurt someone but fooling around on the beach w younger children two of my friend's younger children (who are my younger son's friends) later on told my friend's husband that he had been rough. Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys. The thing is this is my BF and we see each other a lot w our children. My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt but I do realise that we should have played closer attention w DH but since noone went in to the water and they were running around on the beach we "relaxed" and talked w the adults.
I'm torn between understanding her husband for wanting to protect his children (he wasn't present) and btw feeling his reaction is exaggerated. Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger" but not more mature than the other children present ? I'm hurt that my friend just choose to go on her husband's line cause I don't think she realises that this will mean the end of us getting together. My older son is highly dependant on me and does not have a social life on his own so I have to bring him everywhere. He's 14, my younger 10 and her children are 7 and 10...

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItHaveAGin · 02/06/2024 17:53

I have an autistic 14yo, and I am in full agreement with your friend.

Whether it was intentional or not, your ds was rough playing with a kid half his age, without full understanding of the consequences, and without adequate supervision.

They are protecting their kids.

User1979289 · 02/06/2024 17:54

And why can't your DH stay with his son at home or supervise closely whilst you relax with a friend?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 02/06/2024 17:55

My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt

I know what you mean about the over excited behaviour but your son can’t make this promise because his immaturity and impulses take over. (You say that he doesn’t mean to hurt people )

Nobody really got hurt means people got a little hurt. I suspect that this is a straw that broke the camel’s back situation and that they are sick of the little incidents.

I suspect that the husband is being the bad guy so your friend doesn’t have to tell you what she and the kids really think. They aren’t excluding your child, they are saying that they don’t want to put their kids in situations where they will get accidentally hurt which is a normal parenting instinct.

anonhop · 02/06/2024 17:57

Agree with your friend's family setting a boundary. Could you do things together that don't involve rough play?
Idk like a board game cafe or something where the children aren't unsupervised? X

romdowa · 02/06/2024 17:57

My friend has a tween who's autistic and I have a toddler. Her son is very rough and aggressive and as a result I no longer bring my toddler around him and I make no apologies about it . I don't blame your friend or her husband, their children don't deserve to be hurt and rough housed against their wishes , sen or not. You'll just have to accept their decision .

Alwaysalwayscold · 02/06/2024 18:00

I'm sorry OP but the nature of your son's autism means that certain situations aren't going to work for him. Unfortunately your friend has to prioritise her children's safety over the feelings of your son. She can't take them out knowing that there's a chance they could get hurt, that wouldn't be fair on anyone.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/06/2024 18:00

Depends what happened

Obv the 7/10yr got hurt /upset by your sons behaviour

You need to watch your son and I say this regardless of his sn - but due to his age and possible strength

Jojobees · 02/06/2024 18:02

My just turned 14 year old is 5’9 and over 8 stone. He could seriously hurt a 7 year old rough playing.
They aren’t excluding your son, they are protecting their children.
It’s sad but the fact that they have put this boundary in place says to me that your son has hurt them even if unintentionally.

Hermittrismegistus · 02/06/2024 18:02

This some sort of reverse/another autism bashing thread?

MultiplaLight · 02/06/2024 18:04

Oh OP this is complex.

Perhaps one of her children was more hurt than she realised at the time?

I feel for you and your friend. It must have taken a lot for her to send that message, but her child's safety does have to be her priority.

FauxIgnorance · 02/06/2024 18:07

I suspect it was your friend that has decided this and she has shifted the blame to her husband to try and preserve your friendship. Nobody likes seeing their child hurt.

Having said that, OP I really feel for you. It sounds like you really prioritise your son and try and give him a social life.

Hopefully as things settle and he gets a bit more mature with age, the joint meetings can resume. This sounds really tough. I don’t have kids with special needs but I know how isolating it can be for some families.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 18:07

I am reading that as child got hurt while we were supervising. I wouldn't want it happening again and 14 is physically capable of doing damage, completely understand the intention wouldn't be there. But as a parent I wouldn't be comfortable if my child had been hurt while under supervision.

LolaMoon · 02/06/2024 18:07

SonicTheHodgeheg · 02/06/2024 17:55

My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt

I know what you mean about the over excited behaviour but your son can’t make this promise because his immaturity and impulses take over. (You say that he doesn’t mean to hurt people )

Nobody really got hurt means people got a little hurt. I suspect that this is a straw that broke the camel’s back situation and that they are sick of the little incidents.

I suspect that the husband is being the bad guy so your friend doesn’t have to tell you what she and the kids really think. They aren’t excluding your child, they are saying that they don’t want to put their kids in situations where they will get accidentally hurt which is a normal parenting instinct.

I second this. You say the kids told their dad he was rough- it sounds like they were a bit scared by him and really dont want to play with him any more. I'm afraid this is a result of you not supervising him properly and therefore, this is your responsibility here, not your friends' fault.

JLou08 · 02/06/2024 18:07

I wouldn't be "obeying" my DH stopping me from spending time with our children and my best friends child. Unless he is controlling I think it's probably her that has made this decision.
I do also think it's very over the top. Children get hurt or have fall outs, excluding an NT child would be an overreaction. Excluding an ND child is even worse. And just because they were "a bit rough". I think there could be more to why your friend has decided to do this.
I'd be ending the friendship, if they couldn't accept my child there is not a chance they would be a part of my life.

Roundroundthegarden · 02/06/2024 18:07

It doesn't matter about his SN though, it matters because he's 14 and his size and built will be much different than a 7yo. I would be very pissed off if I knew my child was being played rough with a child 2x his age.
Op, you know this is something he does so I'm also certain it's not the very first time this has happened and more like a final straw thing.

Overthebow · 02/06/2024 18:08

It’s possible their kids don’t want to play with your son again. I wouldn’t be making my Dc play with someone they don’t want to especially if they got hurt by them. Sorry but your son is 14 so will quite big, he really shouldn’t be hurting others and they are right to keep their DC away.

Womp · 02/06/2024 18:10

Hmm, it sounds like the kids have said they don't want to play with him anymore because he's too rough, and the Dad is taking the fall so that you're not angry with your friend.

Theredoubtableskins · 02/06/2024 18:11

JLou08 · 02/06/2024 18:07

I wouldn't be "obeying" my DH stopping me from spending time with our children and my best friends child. Unless he is controlling I think it's probably her that has made this decision.
I do also think it's very over the top. Children get hurt or have fall outs, excluding an NT child would be an overreaction. Excluding an ND child is even worse. And just because they were "a bit rough". I think there could be more to why your friend has decided to do this.
I'd be ending the friendship, if they couldn't accept my child there is not a chance they would be a part of my life.

Do you understand the difference in size between a 14 year old and a 7 year old, or 10 year old? A 14 year old who doesn’t understand his own strength or about safety or where the line is?

If you want to volunteer your small child then you go ahead. But the rest of us would keep our kids safe after giving the OP several chances.

Whinge · 02/06/2024 18:11

I'd be ending the friendship, if they couldn't accept my child there is not a chance they would be a part of my life.

We don't know the full history, but it sounds like the friend her children have tried incredibly hard to include OP's son. Despite the huge age gap, and repeated rough play they've continued to meet up. This isn't a friend who is refusing to accept OP's son, it's a friend wanting to keep their children safe.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/06/2024 18:11

If their ages were closer as in they were 14+ then they would understand and be physically stronger. Then I would agree the father was out of order but 7 and 10 could be literally a third of the weight and get frightened by a tall teen.

Oconomowa · 02/06/2024 18:13

I’m sorry, I have two autistic kids and agree with your friend. You could try talking to her to see if you can all still meet up in a different environment, where the play would be different. But the bottom line is if she (or her husband) don’t want their kids around your son then that’s their choice. We don’t improve inclusion by forcing kids to play with children they don’t like or don’t feel safe with.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 02/06/2024 18:13

I'd be ending the friendship, if they couldn't accept my child there is not a chance they would be a part of my life.

This comes dangerously close to suggesting that parents must allow the risk of their kids being injured or they’re ableist. As a disabled person, I find that advocates very poorly for our community.

OhHelloMiss · 02/06/2024 18:13

JLou08 · 02/06/2024 18:07

I wouldn't be "obeying" my DH stopping me from spending time with our children and my best friends child. Unless he is controlling I think it's probably her that has made this decision.
I do also think it's very over the top. Children get hurt or have fall outs, excluding an NT child would be an overreaction. Excluding an ND child is even worse. And just because they were "a bit rough". I think there could be more to why your friend has decided to do this.
I'd be ending the friendship, if they couldn't accept my child there is not a chance they would be a part of my life.

So you would be fine putting a 7 year old in that position?? No.... I don't think you would

T1Dmama · 02/06/2024 18:13

I think there’s more to this… either the kids don’t want to see your son again kr
the mother doesn’t want them to…..
sounds more like the mum is using the dad as an excuse… otherwise she’d just tell her DH that next time you’ll all be more focused on the kids

Spirallingdownwards · 02/06/2024 18:15

I agree that I suspect your friend doesn't like it and has said its her husband's choice so she doesn't have to deal with any direct fallout.

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