Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

[Maria1979]

I've got a son who's 14 y old on the autism spectrum + very immature. He loves to play w younger children but needs to be told off sometimes to be careful: he's not trying to intentionally hurt someone but fooling around on the beach w younger children two of my friend's younger children (who are my younger son's friends) later on told my friend's husband that he had been rough. Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys. The thing is this is my BF and we see each other a lot w our children. My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt but I do realise that we should have played closer attention w DH but since noone went in to the water and they were running around on the beach we "relaxed" and talked w the adults.
I'm torn between understanding her husband for wanting to protect his children (he wasn't present) and btw feeling his reaction is exaggerated. Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger" but not more mature than the other children present ? I'm hurt that my friend just choose to go on her husband's line cause I don't think she realises that this will mean the end of us getting together. My older son is highly dependant on me and does not have a social life on his own so I have to bring him everywhere. He's 14, my younger 10 and her children are 7 and 10...

@JLou08

Do you have an autistic child? Because I do, and I’m still on the other family’s side.

My son’s additional needs do not trump the safety and comfort of other children. They don’t have to “accept” their children being roughly thrown around and harmed.

Yes children fall out and get hurt, but they’re usually similar ages, this is a situation where there is is a much older, bigger teenager making
younger children feel intimidate.

It’s not about accepting OPs DS, it’s about prioritising their own DC and keeping them safe. There’s no way I’d let my DC play with someone twice their age who hurt them. Even less so if my DC didn’t want to. My DC are my first priority.

@JLou08

I’m wondering if you know that lots of children with additional needs go to residential care when they start reaching older teenage years? Because they do. Because their behaviour is unmanageable at home or unsafe for other children in the home. How do you feel about that? If you think friend’s should stick around for it with their own children, what do you think of parents who surrender their kids to residential care?

Thing is ops downplaying anyway. “Not really hurt”

so two or one of the younger children did get hurt and actually maybe quite a bit. All because they wanted to play with their 10 year old mate, they got hurt by his 14 year old brother.

I absolutely would take my 7 year old to play with an autistic 14 year old. I would also be within arms reach of my 7 year old because of the risks at a beach alone.
If I seen any inappropriate behavior from the 14 year old I would be taking action there and then to keep my child safe. I wouldn't be waiting until after the event to bring it up and act like it's come from DH rather than me.
I actually suspect that the friend just doesn't want to be around a disabled teen herself and is looking for an excuse.

yabu. Sounds like your DS does need much tighter supervision. I understand it is hard (2 DC with SN including a teen with low functioning Asd). I can also totally understand why you think this will be the end of the friendship and you are probably right (I haven't got a single friend left as I cannot socialise at all as there is noone to look after DC). It's really isolating but I think it's just part of the SN parcel. But making sure your DS us adequately supervised is surely more important than meeting your friend.

Well fair enough if she doesn't @JLou08

We are all entitled to stress free outings!

The issue was supervision, or lack of, of the older child

I think the father has made the right decision. I appreciated your son has special needs but this doesn't not trump the rights of other people. In addition, you are not doing your son any favours by putting in situation where he could accidentally hurt a much young child. There is massive gap between a 7 and 14 year old.

If you know he has a tendency to do this- why were you "relaxing" on the beach and not watching him?

Sounds like you were barely aware of anything that was going on and even for an NT child that sounds pretty lax parenting to me

I tell my kids that they don't have to play with anyone they don't want to. I tell them to avoid anyone who's rough or doesn't have kind hands. My eldest doesn't play with 2 kids at school who have hurt her one by scratching ( she has a visible scar on her face) the other by hitting and throwing. They both have SEN. She isn't not playing with them because they have SEN she's not playing with them because they hurt her on purpose. I'm not making exception she deserves to be able to play without being attacked. She's had 2 head injuries at school in the last month from things being thrown. Your friends child doesn't have to play with anyone she doesn't want to. Ultimately, the responsibility to supervise and ensure no one gets hurt is yours.

Yes. I work with disabled people. Not sure how a child going to residential care because their needs can't be met at home is comparable to this?
The story is off. If your a parent I'm sure you would expect that a 7 year old is fully supervised at a beach by their parent. Even more so of the parent is concerned the child they are with is a risk.
Maybe the other children were hurt on OP isn't being fully honest. If that's the case fair enough protecting your child. However, I don't believe a parent would let someone harm their child and not say anything about it there and then but instead come up with a story their DH won't allow contact any more. This makes me think the friend just doesn't want to be around a disabled teen.

I have an autistic son who has severe learning disabilities.

A friend's younger child has told me that they don't like when he holds their head and sniffs their hair (he loves smells, so strong smelling shampoo, hand sanitiser etc makes him want to sniff people) but it isn't an unreasonable boundary on the child's part and I respect it and tell my son not to and supervise closely so I can "break it up".

It's perfectly plausible @JLou08

Dad asks did they all have a good time, child who is hurt says not so much, dad asks mum what happened, dad simply says ' no more' . Mum agrees.

However, I don't believe a parent would let someone harm their child and not say anything about it there and then but instead come up with a story their DH won't allow contact any more

The OP says the younger kids have told their dad he was too rough with them. Therefore, it's far more likely the kids have told the dad they dont want to play any more because they got hurt/scared. Its easier all round the blame the dad since the mum is OP's best friend.

Respond … OMG I’m so sorry your boys were hurt/felt play was too rough… DS is devastated that he’s done this and just got carried away. Please don’t banish them from meeting up, we will watch more closely in future I promise…. Then leave her to calm down…
maybe the kids were covered in bruises or something at bath time and she’s shocked and upset about it… give her space and time to process your message .. maybe get DS to apologise?!

Hard to know without knowing the exact scenario and history, but some parents are ridiculously over protective, I've experienced a couple don't like seeing them as they expect perfection from the kids and it's stressful!!

So try and guilt trip her into letting her children be victims of a 14 year old the op doesn’t watch properly. Lovely friend that would make you.

Close supervision can still happen with boundaries being drawn later.

Some people aren't very good at reacting 'in the moment' and instead will react in a socially placating way and then reflect and draw a boundary later. That is OK.

I don't think it is easier to say it was dad. Honesty is best, people have read between the lines. Majority here see it as the children don't want to play with him, I have read it is mum that doesn't want to be around them.
If the children don't want to play with him they shouldn't be forced to and my responses would have been very different if it was clear that this was the case.

Not at all she’s apologising and saying she’ll watch him more closely in future

Forcing kids to hang out with someone who hurt them (regardless of their intentions) is a terrible message to send to children. It means they then just wont tell you when/if someone does something to them that makes them uncomfortable because they will think their feelings dont matter

Yes, so over protective and ridiculous to not want their child to not be hurt. I know they weren't really hurt op says, just 'hurt'...

We don’t know that the kids have said anything, other than they were a bit rough… this might not even be the case.. mum might’ve seen kids running around in boxers after a shower and noticed they had bruises….
Surely the boys would’ve run out during the day if they were hurt and mentioned they weren’t happy!

That may make sense if the children were in the same age range. We are taking about a 7 year old and a 14year old here. There is a very big difference in size and strength. If the 14 year old isn't able to regulate his emotions and gets carried away the younger children could get hurt and that isn't okay.